Saturday, 16 April 2011

Day the tenthfourthth

M is for Musicals.

For a long time M was going to be for Sun Wukong, otherwise known as The Monkey King but that entry is still very much in the planning stages.
So I got to thinking about other M words and dismissed Magic, Morgana, Merlin and Mordred in favor of Musicals because everyone likes a good musical number in their movies [1].
So here's a nice long post to make up for the rush job of yesterday. 

But what if the entire world was governed by the rules of the musical? A world where problems were dealt with by song and dance routines? One can only imagine that it would be a much more laid back and, dare I say, groovy place to live.
Of course I do not mean to suggest that such a world would become a utopia, mankind after all marches to beat of a million different drums [2]

I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that I have not written out any poetry nor have I copied down any lyrics of (un)popular songs in order to prove the points that I have made, this is a serious blog [3] and not the remains of a goth site that used to be on Geocities. You can tell the difference between the two by noting that nowhere do I have dripping blood nor clipart pictures of roses that are either dripping blood or wrapped in barbed wire, whilst dripping blood.

Song and Dance Routines:
This is the minimum standard that people would use to deal with their day to day problems. Generally it involves one person doing their thing while other people walk by without noticing or stand around looking interested, it would depend on the actual tone of the song being used and people would need to use their own judgement. As the problem grows in size you would get more and more people joining in on the number.

Broadway Showstoppers:
If the problems grow large enough the numbers will evolve into gigantic Broadway numbers however, due to the amount of time needed to set one of these up, three months as a conservative estimate, there will be a vote taken by all involved as to whether or not to take this drastic step.

With the entire planet breaking into spontaneous song and dance I am happy to report that, on the whole, crime levels will be incredibly low. While gangs will still exist, presumably they will hang around abandoned theaters, they will be unable to sneak up on anyone due to their habit of clicking their fingers.

Should two gangs actually fight it will be done with Dance fighting rather than stabbings and drive by shootings.[4]

Love is a thing that has cleverly eluded mankind since we woke up to the fact that all those mass orgies were getting boring and perhaps there was something more to life than hunting.
While many people in the world have found/grown to/or simply rented love it is true love that remains an ideal which is very rarely encountered and almost never captured [5]

However, if the love match would be impossible then the song becomes of of unrequited love or heartfelt yearning depending on the situation.

The Cad:
The Cad, although he is cut from the same cloth as the devilish rogue [6] the biggest difference is that the devilish rogue has his heart set on someone who is seemingly unobtainable [7] while the Cad chases after as many partners as they can get.

By landing multiple partners the Cad sets up a triangle, 3 people, or a knot, more than three. These triangles are notoriously unstable and when they collapse the first wronged partner will leave the Cad after a solo that, no matter where it begins, will always end on a lonely street that is lit by a single streetlight [8]

The other member of the triangle will stay with the Cad but never for very long, the second musical number will see them leave and the Cad will be alone to sing the last verse and the refrain by themselves. This is the critical juncture for the Cad because he is able to consciously make the decision to change his ways and become the remorse filled lover.

Back in what could be loosely called the real world the shrinks and analysts that specialise in helping people overcome their problems is a trade which one can only join after obtaining the proper degrees. As with anything worthwhile this is a process that takes time, patience, a great deal of study and a greater deal of the folding green.
Sadly this industry takes a severe hit as the whole thing can be run out of a bar with the phrase “Hey there, why the long face?”
The questioned party will sing a song which touches on their problems and also how they feel that nobody cares. It is, in short, everything that the average head shrink needs to make a fully competent diagnosis.

This is just a minor list of the advantages of turning the world on its ear and living to the beat of the musical rather than the slow ponderous march of reality maybe it would work and maybe it wouldn't but that's showbiz for ya.

Once more with footnotes:
  1. And I'm also incredibly rusty on Arthurian legends
  2. I don't know what instrument wombles march to. Possibly some kind of clockwork bagpipe
  3. Heh
  4. There is also a chance that Michael Jackson arrives to put a stop to the whole thing, although if he shows up now there is more of a chance that the gang war will stop and Thriller will start. So, you know, silver lining right there.
  5. While it can't be captured it can be released. True love is full of paradoxes but anyone who has it isn't going to complain.
  6. not to be confused with the Rogue, who is a gentlemanly thief or the Devilish Cad, who attempts to steal plots of land by tying people to railway tracks.
  7. See The Princess and the peasant syndrome, Appendix 3 Section 2 Paragraph 4
  8. There is an 80% chance of it raining as well which would make these triangles especially sought after in the more arid regions of the world.
Speaking of Movies (which nobody was) does anyone out there remember the name of a movie about a trapper up in the Yukon? I've seen it a bunch of times but never remember to record it or get the name of it.
  • The theme song was essentially “Trapper man Trapper man” something something “trying to be free” or “Just want to be free”
  • I'm pretty sure it was in French and dubbed into English. (or perhaps dubbed into American because those crazy canucks have got one strange accent eh?)
  • He freed a wolf from another trappers line
  • The other trapper, Frenchie (?) went to the law
  • The Trapper blew up his hut? Or took a shot at the police, whatever he did it made them get a band together and go after him.
  • the trapper led the group a merry dance, covering his tracks by running with a herd of elk and by causing an avalanche
  • he also managed to catch Frenchie and gave him a shave with an axe.

M is also for mistake and friends I can not urge you enough to stay away from the kitchen when you have been drinking. I was insanely drunk when I invented the recipe for Black Pudding Soup and for the safety of all involved I refrain from posting it here.


  1. I think you *might* be talking about "Challenge to Be Free" about that Johnson guy (was called "Trapper" in the film). Was there one in there also named Sargent? Looked like it was made the 1970's? This kinda sounds like that movie.

    If so, on the flipside, they made another called "Death Hunt" about the same guy but a different portrayal, starred Charles Bronson. You should check it out, too.

    On another note...
    Great post. You are pretty spot on in relation to how it'd be if life were a series of musicals. I'd be down for it.

    Black Pudding Soup............... *faint*

  2. Thanks. That was exactly the one I was thinking of, although there is no way in heck that I'm going to go past Charles Bronson.

    As an added incentive for the global shift to musicals I've just realized that it would bring us one step closer to "Huge tracts of land"