Thursday, 1 September 2011

Real life is stranger than fiction.

Here's a couple of things that happened this week:

Thing 1:
I broke up a fight in the carpark at work last week. A few punches thrown but nothing really major. Was three pages into the incident report before realizing that nobody was wielding claymores.

Yesterday I was talking about it with one of the plant workers and he insisted that one of the women got knocked out. I told him what actually happened and he wouldn't believe that I was actually there, I'm only the security guard for the plant so of course I'm going to be where the fight is.

Especially considering that it's right outside my office! Some people Oy!

Thing 2:
Staying with work for a moment, a sheep managed to escape the pens and made a break for freedom but was caught by the boys in the stockyard.  My entry in the log stated "Swiftly Sidestepping Stockyard Staff Foil Fleecy Felons Flight"

Thing 3:
Finally away from work and back at training.  NAAMA is coming up at the end of October and this promises to be much fun.  This is a major reenactment camp spread out over four days with fighting, drinking, jousting, carousing, more drinking, feasting and general revelry [1]. I'm slowly getting my stuff together in the way of garb, armor and the like.
I won't be fighting since I haven't been graded yet but instead will stand ready and vigilant to be the camp gofer  [2]

I had a 2 major wins recently with Trademe. [3]   The first was a brand new tent that went for $40.00 and the second was a blackberry phone that I scored for $80.00
Normally I'm not a fan of online auctions, preferring to examine something closely before parting with the folding green but this time I'm trusting to luck.

Now I told you that story so that I could tell you this one.

Yesterday I was walking around town and spotted a second hand store with some knives of varying quality in the window. I went inside and asked about them which led to the following conversation:

"Can I look at the knives in the window?"
"No prob.  I got heaps out the back, what do you need it for?"
"I'm going to be going camping in a few weeks and I just need"
"Say no more!" Steve reached underneath the counter and brought forth a machete so big Conan the Barbarian would say "Oh come on that's a bit much"
"It's a little big" I said, feeling proud that Conan and I were in agreement "I mean I'm not going to be hacking my way through the jungle or anything"

The temperature dropped slightly and I gave that nervous laugh that one gives in the hopes of covering up the faux pas [4]
 "All right" he reluctantly put the machete to one side "what about this then?"
He produced a heavy knife almost identical to the one Rambo had used to hold off every single communist in the history of ever. [5]
"No, that's no good either.  I just want a little blade, for cutting ropes and things"
"No problem, no problem" he said although his tone indicated that there was a problem and he gazed at my wallet with the kind of undisguised longing that usually requires a lengthy courtship [6]  "I got this one"

From out of the back of the shop he produced a thing that might have been a knife in the same way that chickens might once have ruled the earth as dinosaurs.  I could describe every gadget that this monster had but it would be quicker to say that the only things that weren't included were a telescopic sight and targeted nuclear response capability.
"This is what you want yes?"
"No" I told him flatly "why can't I have one of the ones in the window?"
"Those aren't for sale!  That's my sons collection.  Display only!"

I left in a huff and he went back to admiring his machete and wondering why his till never magically filled with money.  Thanks to the magic of the Interweb I found an auction for a simple little knife and made a bid.  Result?  I now own a simple little knife

Take that Steve, if that is indeed your real name.

  1. There might be some drinking going on as well I'm not certain.
  2. "well gee my uncle who owns the theater said it would be all right"
  3. New Zealand version of Ebay
  4. But it only serves to bring even more attention to it.
  5. The fourth Rambo movie he made.  I personally feel that he should have left Rambo: First Blood as a stand alone movie but thats a post for another time.
  6. and at least one cunning/wacky plan for getting around the chaperons


  1. LoL...clever title for your report. That is hilarious.

    #3: That whole re-enactment thing is super cool. A bit like larping, yes? Except, kinda less geeky and with better costumes. Hopefully, you'll pass what you gotta pass soon and can join in with the fighting. *well wishes!* Sounds fun though. The only kinda stuff we have like that here is Civil War re-enactments, and they're a bore. My side always loses (ha). (and being a woman, the only role I could play would be to cower in a home ("Ohhh Noooezz! The Yankees are here! Hide the silver!"). *Yawn*)

    Am imagining a machete so big that Conan would say that too....much too funny! (My imaginings always come out as cartoons. Just noticed that. That's probably weird.....)

    Mata ne!

  2. Like larping but with less magic and more Biff! Bang! Pow! and other Batman sound effects.

    As for the Civil War Re-enactments are you saying that that that none of the women get to play Scarlett O'Hara? I would have thought that would be the top prize!

    (I'd play the role but I've misplaced my girlish figure)