Monday, 2 May 2011

Only a few days late but here it is

So now the wage of sin is paid / The blameless dead, the black steed grazes /
The only sound across the glade / Is Edmund pushing up the daisies

Black Adder, Black Adder, a shame about the plan /
Black Adder, Black Adder, tha' worked, you horrid man.

Sometimes its a choice between work and sleep or work and stay surfing the net [1] But the final posting is here and thus I present for your approval.

Z is for Zombie Contingency.

Way down here in Aotearoa we have little fear of a zombie invasion [2] If documentation and cinematic footage is to be believed then the initial outbreak will happen in Smalltown USA or New York, if it is caused by shadowy government department and/or unethical megacorperation and London or Haiti if it is caused by more arcane means.

But somehow, the undead manage to get into the country, presumably disguised as tourists [3] and gain a decaying and rather disgusting foothold.
 Understandably it is chaos all over with everyone working at cross purposes, the emergency band, in a continuous broadcast, gives us valuable information and some nice, if eventually dated, music [4]
  1.  Know your enemy

    while the undead hordes may seem to be easily dispatched and have a turn of speed rivaling a mildly athletic  turtle they do seem to be capable of deceptively advanced tactics and while a person is holed up in their bolt hole concentrating on mowing down the ones in front of them there will be others that will be seeking entrance in any way that they can.

    The zombies do not care for throwing away dozens of their ranks to get to you so do not make the mistake of being forced into a room with no other way out. 

  2. Avoid large groups
    Although there is strength in numbers when dealing with the undead remember that any group larger than 10 is going to be traveling slow, making noise and putting out a stronger scent than a smaller group or someone who is traveling by themselves [5].  The sound of the group fighting off the initial attack will attract more and more zombies until they are mobbed.

    in those few moments of calm the group will be fighting amongst themselves about where to go and what to do.
  3. Areas of safety.
    High Ground:
     Pros - wide open spaces mean that the zombies have zero chance of being able to sneak up on you and your specially trained hunting kiwis.

    Cons - You may encounter, or even be responsible for, Zombies that manage to adapt thier hunting to the terrain.  While the vast majority will be the traditional shambling hordes of "Braaiinnss" statistically speaking there will be a small number that learn that tactic isn't working and they will realize that if they want to have "Braainss" then they will need to use "Sssteeaalth"

    On the Water
     Pros - Safety and enhanced movement.
    Cons - Fresh supplies, especially drinking water [6]. The seaworthyness of the vessel dictates how far you can travel.  At risk of other survivors attempting to shanghai you.

    Somewhere cold
     Pros - It is a generally accepted theory that Zombies will not do well in colder regions and if there is one thng that Aotearoa is famous for it's cold spots
    Cons - At the date of writing this is only a theory and has not being tested with an actual zombie subject.
    The necessary temperatures would mean that this is only ever going to be a short term solution. Also it might only work with the Zombie (virus) rather than Zombie (magic). [7] 
  4. Conclusion
    If you do manage to find an area where you are safe then be wary about revealing the location or even it's existence.
    Make it a rule that, If others do manage to stumble onto it then, before you allow them inside, they are required to strip totally so that you can check for any zombie bites that they may have been hiding. Refusal to follow this instruction should instantly throw up a red flag.
    Once they are inside be friendly and polite [8] but stay on guard for 24 to 72 hours in order to make certain that they haven't been followed.

    If you must join up with a group of people try to choose one whos objectives match your own.  Be honest and upfront about your goals and ambitions and always be prepared to leave if the group dynamic turns into the group stagnant [9]  the others remaining in the group may be angry or disapointed at your leaving but will ultimatly respect you for your honesty.

    Particularly astute readers [10] will note that the strategy outlined here is general rather than specific and there are two reasons for this.  The first is that this is a case of being prepared for anything and you never know just where you will be when the shambling hordes appear.  The second is that, were I to speak of specifics I would be taking the risk that somewhere out there in our Zombie ravaged world there is a fiend who is A) able to read B) and comprehend and C) be on the Internet [11]
    Now if he can do all of this there is the chance that he might make his way to my country, ignoring the many and varied tourist attractions and stunning natural scenery solely to seek out my place of concealment on the basis that this is one brain that he wouldn't need to hunt.

    You may argue that the chances of this happening is miniscule at best but if there does happen to be some one out there that is that detirmined to eat my brains then I'll gladly stay one step ahead.
which only leads to diverse alarums and much wailing and gnashing of teeth
  1. Maybe we should,  It does seem to be the out of the way places where things like this start.
  2. Here to visit the plaaiinns
  3. But since it's Spilt Enz and Crowded House nobodies complaining except the zombies and they don't count
  4. Although that carries risks as well
  5. Unless you happen to be on Lake Taupo and then you're pretty much set for life.
  6. Because magic has a strange way of turning the natural laws of the universe on its head and then laughing at them. 
  7. Especially if they are tourists because we want them to have a good impression of the people here 
  8. and especially if it becomes the group shambling horde of the undead 
  9. especially you 
  10. We're already got trolls, Noobs and Lurkers.  Zombies should fit right in.


  1. Very good tips, and you make a good argument about why a large group is a bad idea. I'm thinking, if were me, I would head to a small island....take out the zombies there...and then live peacefully until the zombies learn to sail ships.

    Congrats on making it through the A to Z Challenge. I have really enjoyed reading your posts!

  2. Gyran, we did it! Congratulations! I have an award for you!!

  3. It might not be such a bad thing if they do learn to sail because that would make them zombie pirates and it would mean that mankind was one step closer to finding out the answer to the eternal question:
    Who would win in a fight, a ninja or a pirate?

  4. OOoh, if it were a zombie pirate, I'd say hands down, a pirate. ;)