Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Join me in general schemery (moustache for twirling optional)

Recently I had a meeting at work which was even more of an endurance test than usual due to very heavy traffic and a lot of construction noise. But we soldiered on because “We don't know the meaning of give up” [1]

Some nights this job is so very noisy with not a moment to yourself and everybody after you to open/lock/find mystery person X [2].
These are the nights that I find myself contemplating the solitary life of a lighthouse keeper. A position that I would jump at were it offered as long as I still had Internet access and nobody minded that the lamp of the Jolly Rock might not actually be lit every single night. because, c'mon all those stairs.
I wouldn't mind the isolation and would welcome the absence of mankind's insistence that we envelope ourselves with noise [3]

Do you have a solution? [4]

Call me crazy and I'll do the mad scientist laugh but here's my idea. Obviously we're not going to be able to stop the noise because, lets face it, half the fun of working on these big machines is making the “Brrmm Brrmm” sounds. So lets approach this from a different angle.

Currently there exists clothing that displays pumping music equalizers so that people know that you are walking AND listening to music at the same time.
If we take that idea to the next step then our version would be a shirt with a small microphone artfully hidden in the collar. While wearing this anything that was said would show up in a scrolling marquee on the clothes. This would finally allow people to understand each other in those very very noisy situations where nobody can hear a darn thing because everybody is shouting because nobody can hear a darn thing [5]


Talky Clothing [6] is only the fist step in this master plan because once it is in mass production and everyone is wearing the label then we'll introduce a range of clothing that changes colour with the mood of the person.

This is going to be the big one. Everyone in the world is waiting for the kind of Star Trek universal communication thingee where person 1 says “Bleedle bleedle bloop” and person 2 hears “Hello and welcome to McDonalds”

But if everyone is wearing Colour Cloth [7] then we'll instantly be able to know if someone is pulling the wool over our eyes because his suit changes colour to match. [8]

  1. Apparently we didn't know the meaning of perforated eardrum either
  2. Give him this message “The brown owl hoots at the significant fox”
  3. Beethoven had the right idea when he decided to go deaf. As a much wiser man than I once said “Deafness doesn't prevent you hearing the music. It prevents you from hearing the distractions”
  4. Other than everyone sitting around going “Om” I mean
  5. Unto infinity
  6. Marketing will be working on the name
  7. So far we seem to be moving in the opposite direction where person 1 says “hello and welcome to McDonalds” and person 2 hears “Bleedle bleedle bloop”
  8. Again, talk to marketing
  9. Emos will be able to see which of their number really is sad and which of them is a reporter trying to get a hip and edgy story. This will make them happy which means that they'll have to turn in their membership cards and with the world free of their self inflicted melancholy, not to mention their blatant mascara abuse, the master plan will have succeeded!

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