Before
I begin I'd just like to state that, while I don't have children I
did stand in a supermarket queue behind a mother who did and,
according to the internet, this now qualifies me as an expert on
parenting in general and children in specific (1)
That
being said I feel that I must point out that Babies cry. Babies cry,
alot. It appears to be one of the joys of parenting that they've
conveniently left out of the brochures. The thing of it is that
we've been around for a long time now and babies have been around
almost as long. You'd think that at some point in our history
someone would have come up with an idea or two to address the
problems of crying babies.
Anyone?
Looks
like it's up to me then.
PROBLEM 1: LOST IN TRANSLATION
The
problem as I see it is that their crying only serves the purpose of
getting them noticed and "Wah wah" covers such a wide range
of topics that its difficult to know whether they're saying "I'm
tired" or “Actually I'm rather concerned with the political
situation in the Middle East (2)"
Namby
Pamby Politically correct Solution:
Endeavor
to understand the body language of your child. Spend time with them
and show them the joy of the spoken word.
Jabberwockery
Solution:
Take
a stand from day one! They say you've got to speak your babies
language, well I ask you who brought them into this world? Who's
the one paying the bills until their eighteen? "If there's any
languages spoken in this household it'll be mine boyo!"
As
a last resort you could teach them charades but only if you need to
teach them the difference between "Get mummy a coffee" and
"Maybe you should start mopping the floor instead of just
sitting there"
Basic semaphore is also acceptable but only
if you live in the tropics and cant afford a punkahwallah
PROBLEM 2: IT'S ALL IN THE TONE
The
big problem is that when Baby A is crying and encounters Baby B this
will invariably start Baby B off as well and as the pair attempt to
outdo each other the number of babies grows exponentially until there
are no more babies in the world that aren't crying and you're getting
nasty phone calls from Russian parents who had only just managed to
put their little goulash factory to sleep.
Of course the
interesting thing about all of this is that no two babies actually
manage to hit the same note at the same time, or indeed at any time
(3).
Namby
Pamby Politically Correct Solution:
Children crying is just a fact
of life and one that everyone will go through. Eventually they grow
out of it but you might want to look up from the chardonnay from time
to time and perhaps get a secretary to deal with the deluge of angry
Russians (4)
Jabberwockery
Solution:
Right,
if we can't stop the noise then the least we can do is adjust the
problem and here at Jabberwockery we're all about adjusting the
problem (5)
Since
babies are going to cry anyway the thing to do is to teach them to do
it in harmony with each other. It'll be a difficult thing to
accomplish and will most likely involve a squad of music tutors
breaking down doors, confronting expectant mothers and demanding
impromptu duets
At
the very least we'll need to have lecture halls and studios added to
each hospital nursery. Sheet music will be provided on request (6).
PROBLEM 3: PROBLEM 2 REVISITED
Of
course no solution is free of further problems and I predict that the
mixing of musical styles may just lead us back to the problems of
babies crying at cross purposes but rather than being a global clash
of discordant voices this time it'll come off more like an 80's hair
metal (7) battle of the bands which nobody wants to listen to at
three in the morning.
Namby Pamby Politically Correct
Solution:
Babies making music are babies that are learning, This
is a proven scientific fact. You might invest in a set of earplugs
and disconnect your phone for a while but perhaps a better solution
is to engage your child and challenge them musically. Eventually
you'll be able to relax to the vocal style of your favorite artist
and your infant will receive all the attention that they want.
Jabberwockery
Solution:
Since we've got musical babies the only possible
solution is to produce a global baby orchestra where, through the use
of carefully tuned pointed sticks the babies are made to cry at
specific times in order to create something that might be called
music.
| NOTES:
- in New Zealand actually. Look at a map and you'll see that we're nowhere near Specifica.
- ”...perhaps we might sit down and discuss it like two rational human beings? What? Oh you're putting me to bed. Don't think I won't remember this mother! You'll rue this day! Rue it I say!"
- Just as interestingly when wolves howl at the moon they do the same thing. It is a lupine faux pas to howl at the moon in the same key as your neighbor. I don't know why this is because this week I'm an expert on the Genus Babius Crawlus Messyus and not Lupus Socialus Musicalus or indeed Mortisium Languigius: Latinium Grammaticus
- You can rabbit on about the political ins and outs all day but this is how the cold war really got started. Learn from history or be prepared to repeat it.
- You'll note that I didn't say providing solutions because that's just crazy talk.
- But will be looked down on by children of the terminally hip.
- Sans tight leather pants and meter long fringes
