Tuesday, 30 July 2013
Board Game Concept Art
Labels:
Art course,
Bain,
Game of Life
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Artus Reportus Longus Windus - Brian Froud
| INTRODUCTION TO THE INTRODUCTION
This is the first report that we were required to do for the Critical Studies section of the course. I've broken it up three sections because the whole thing was far too image heavy.
CAVAET! - I got pulled up on my referencing for this report even after I used the handout sheets AND the APA referencing tool in Word. Make certain of your references before submitting and cite everything! Even if you consider it to be redundant information.
Labels:
Art course,
Brian Froud,
Critical Studies
Artus Reportus Longus Windus - Frank Frazetta
| INTRODUCTION TO THE INTRODUCTION
This is the first report that we were required to do for the Critical Studies section of the course. I've broken it up three sections because the whole thing was far too image heavy.
CAVAET! - I got pulled up on my referencing for this report even after I used the handout sheets AND the APA referencing tool in Word. Make certain of your references before submitting and cite everything! Even if you consider it to be redundant information.
Labels:
Art course,
Critical Studies,
Frank Frazetta
Artus Reportus Longus Windus - Stan Sakai
| INTRODUCTION TO THE INTRODUCTION
This is the first report that we were required to do for the Critical Studies section of the course. I've broken it up three sections because the whole thing was far too image heavy.
CAVAET! - I got pulled up on my referencing for this report even after I used the handout sheets AND the APA referencing tool in Word. Make certain of your references before submitting and cite everything! Even if you consider it to be redundant information.
Labels:
Art course,
Critical Studies,
Stan Sakai,
Usagi Yojimbo
Sunday, 23 June 2013
The analysis of The elves and the shoemaker or Cobblers to you!
THE
ANALYSIS OF
THE
ELVES AND THE SHOEMAKER
OR
COBBLERS
TO YOU!
|
INTRODUCTION:
Right
then. To most people it would seem that our subject for tonight is
nothing more than a positive story about helping another person in
their time of need.Aren't you lucky that I'm not most people because what we find when we peel back the layers and really peer into the heart of this narrative is that is is really little more than pro elf propaganda designed to further their whole “we're the elves and we're better than humans [1]” schtick that they cling to with such tenacity.
Labels:
Analysis,
cobblers,
elves,
Fractured fiairy tales,
Theory(tails)
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Critical Studies Lecture - Uncanny urges: The familiar made strange
CRITICAL STUDIES
LECTURE BY: ADI BROWN
UNCANNY URGES: THE
FAMILIAR MADE STRANGE
Labels:
Adi Brown,
Lecture Notes,
Surrealism
Critical Studies Lecture - Animation: The History of
CRITICAL
STUDIES
LECTURE
BY: TANG
DATE:
05.06.13
ANIMATION: THE HISTORY OF
Labels:
Animation,
Critical Studies,
Lecture Notes
Wednesday, 29 May 2013
Critical studies lecture - Dessau Bauhaus - the academy of art and design.
CRITICAL STUDIES
LECTURE BY: TANG
DATE 29.05.13
- INTRODUCTION:It turns out that Bauhaus is not just a pretty font. To the surprise of many [1] there is a long and interesting history to it.
The Bauhaus school was founded by Walter Gropius in Weimar [2].The style became one of the most influential currents in Modernist architecture and modern design. The Bauhaus had a profound influence upon subsequent developments in art, architecture, graphic design, interior design, industrial design and typography. [3]
Labels:
Bauhaus,
Critical Studies,
Nazi's
Tuesday, 21 May 2013
Critical Studies Lecture - The History of Film
CRITICAL
STUDIES
LECTURE:
MARK SWEENY
DATE:
22/05/13
Labels:
Critical Studies,
Film,
History
Friday, 3 May 2013
Harts Change - Scribbly Bit
| INTRODUCTION:
I liked this bit well enough the first few times but now I'm not happy with it. That is to say there are a few wrinkles here and there which need to be smoothed out. The priest stammering is wrong [1] and I really want Lady Lutin to have a larger part.
Of course the last time I said that I ended up tearing apart the church but this time It's early enough in the story that I can change things around without it affecting anything of consequence.
Anyway, this piece is set near the end of Chapter 2 with all the narrativly important people journeying towards the Barons Mischance in the Royal City of Hermitage. Due to the great change there are priests who have joined the caravan with their own wagons full of the dead which they are taking "down to the waters" which is just another series of rituals in a long series of rituals which ends up the bodies being taken to the Silver Mountain where the priests eat them[2].
So exactly why am I telling you all this? It's all because the body of Evelyns son is in one of the priests wagons [3] and she isn't about to allow the holy crocodile to claim her son.
I liked this bit well enough the first few times but now I'm not happy with it. That is to say there are a few wrinkles here and there which need to be smoothed out. The priest stammering is wrong [1] and I really want Lady Lutin to have a larger part.
Of course the last time I said that I ended up tearing apart the church but this time It's early enough in the story that I can change things around without it affecting anything of consequence.
Anyway, this piece is set near the end of Chapter 2 with all the narrativly important people journeying towards the Barons Mischance in the Royal City of Hermitage. Due to the great change there are priests who have joined the caravan with their own wagons full of the dead which they are taking "down to the waters" which is just another series of rituals in a long series of rituals which ends up the bodies being taken to the Silver Mountain where the priests eat them[2].
So exactly why am I telling you all this? It's all because the body of Evelyns son is in one of the priests wagons [3] and she isn't about to allow the holy crocodile to claim her son.
| NOTES:
- At least researching stutters and stammers isn't going to be as gruesome as researching amputation. :)
- But, you know, in a sort of holy way.
- Like so many others he didn't survive the great change which saw humanity become centaurs (but on the plus side everyone seems to have really long hair. No baldies in my books!)
Labels:
Harts Change,
Scribbley bit
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
A - Z Challenge L - Z
So here it is. The final posting for the challenge. I couldn't get all the letters done so we're just going to pretend that those bands all got visited by some form of Yoko Ono.
POST 1: A - D
POST 2: E - H
POST 3: L - Z
Labels:
2013,
2013 A-Z Challenge,
Bands,
Music,
Posters
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Collected Lecture Notes
Links to the series of lectures that I've been posting lately. - You know the ones that have kept me from doing actual funny posts on this thing :D.
Labels:
Lecture,
Lecture Notes
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Thoughts on The Dark Crystal
THOUGHTS ON
THE DARK CRYSTAL
| INTRODUCTION:
At the course they told us to pick a movie and analyse it. Since I was already researching Brian Froud, who designed almost everything and continues to make beautiful art.
At the course they told us to pick a movie and analyse it. Since I was already researching Brian Froud, who designed almost everything and continues to make beautiful art.
BUT after about a week of watching movies they forced us to choose from a list. This, in a word, was rather infuriating.
So here I am, sitting on an actual essay that is now actually redundant which means that I shall free it to live in the ether with the hopes that it helps someone sometime somewhere.
Labels:
Art course,
Brian Froud,
Dark Crystal,
Essay,
Jim Henson
Analysis of The Frog Prince OR Carry On Croaking
Analysis of The Frog
Prince
OR
Carry On Croaking
| INTRODUCTION:
Before we begin I ask you to bear in mind that the
Grimm brothers were master storytellers [1] but one thing that I've
noticed about their stories is that whenever a character is engaged in
something seemingly harmless it's only a matter of time before tragedy descends
and the entire situation spirals wildly out of control.
For example. Snow White was killed by a poison apple, Sleeping Beauty was enchanted for a 100 years through the clever use of a spinning wheel and Red Riding Hood was eaten by a wolf [2], Sometimes it's as if they were trying to do better and be just that little more gruesome with each story.
For example. Snow White was killed by a poison apple, Sleeping Beauty was enchanted for a 100 years through the clever use of a spinning wheel and Red Riding Hood was eaten by a wolf [2], Sometimes it's as if they were trying to do better and be just that little more gruesome with each story.
But not this gruesome |
Keeping this in mind it occurs to me that I've not
always being fair on the assorted Prince Charmings who ride through these
stories and rescue princess's from perils most dire [3].
While your average Prince has a pretty tough old time
fighting against the latest evil whilst remaining rather dashing it must be
said that the prince in this story has it pretty bad. How bad you ask? Well read on and find out.
Labels:
Analysis,
Fractured fiairy tales,
Frog Prince,
Theory(tails)
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
A - Z Challenge E - H
| INTRODUCTION
Righty dokey then then. for me this challenge has turned into more of a weekly thing so I'll have to make up for it by posting more stuff. That being said here's some more stuff.
POST 1: A - D
POST 2: E - H
POST 3: L - Z
Righty dokey then then. for me this challenge has turned into more of a weekly thing so I'll have to make up for it by posting more stuff. That being said here's some more stuff.
POST 1: A - D
POST 2: E - H
POST 3: L - Z
Labels:
2013,
2013 A-Z Challenge,
Bands,
Music,
Posters
Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Critical Studies Lecture Notes
CRITICAL STUDIES
LECTURE BY: GRANT CORBIN
DATE 10.04.2013
Labels:
2013,
Art course,
Grant Corbin,
Lecture Notes
Thursday, 4 April 2013
A - Z Challenge [A - D]
| INTRODUCTION
You might have noticed that I'm late starting this monster challenge but that's because I've been wrestling with school in a futile attempt to get on top of assignments, lectures, reports and everything else [1]
Labels:
2013,
2013 A-Z Challenge,
Bands,
Music,
Posters
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Critical Studies Lecture Notes
CRITICAL STUDIES
LECTURE BY: WI KUKI KINGI
DATE 03.04.2013
Labels:
Carving,
Kupe,
Wakas,
Wi Kuki Kingi
Critical Studies Lecture Notes
CRITICAL STUDIES
LECTURE BY: DIEDRA SULLIVAN
DATE: 03.04.2013
Labels:
Art course,
Diedra Sullivan,
Lecture Notes,
Photography
Critical Studies Lecture Notes
CRITICAL STUDIES
LECTURE BY: TITAHI
DATE: 03.04.2013
THE TREATY OF WAITANGI
Labels:
Art course,
Critical Studies,
Treaty of Waitangi
Tuesday, 26 March 2013
Critical Studies Lecture Notes -
CRITICAL STUDIES LEACTURE TWO
LECTURE BY: TANG AND JAMES
DATE: 27/03/2013
NEW MEDIA DESIGN AND TECHNOLOGY
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
Critical Studies Lecture Notes
CRITICAL
STUDIES
LECTURE
BY: TONI GOLDI
DATE:
20/03/13
Labels:
Art course,
Critical Studies,
Lecture Notes
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
Art Course - Project 1: Turangawaewae
| INTRODUCTION
Turangawaewae means a place to stand - unfortunetly it doesn't just mean where you are physically because that would mean that this project would be full of photos of me standing around (1)
As I say it doesn't just apply to your physical location. Turangawaewae covers who a person is, where they came from and where they're going. It gives someone more complete picture of an individuals identity rather than just knowing them by name.
That's pretty deep.
You're telling me.
Turangawaewae means a place to stand - unfortunetly it doesn't just mean where you are physically because that would mean that this project would be full of photos of me standing around (1)
What is it then?
The word itself is made up of two pieces. Turanga (standing place) and Waewae (feet).
I've watched Sesame Street and know all about compound words. Care to explain further?
As I say it doesn't just apply to your physical location. Turangawaewae covers who a person is, where they came from and where they're going. It gives someone more complete picture of an individuals identity rather than just knowing them by name.
That's pretty deep.
Labels:
Art course,
Books,
Introspection,
Projects,
Turangawaewae
Saturday, 2 March 2013
THE HORI PROJECT - A DUCK HUNTING TRIP COST ME A 25 QUID FINE
THE HORI PROJECT - A DUCK HUNTING TRIP COST ME A 25 QUID FINE
I was sitting on the end of the jetty a few weeks ago minding my own business and thinking of this and that, and these and those, with the fish line in the water.
A pakeha comes up to me and says “Any luck, Hori?”
“No,” I tell him, “not yet, anyway, but I hope to catch something before I go home. Anyhow I don't care much because it is such a corker day and I am enjoying the sunshine.”
I was sitting on the end of the jetty a few weeks ago minding my own business and thinking of this and that, and these and those, with the fish line in the water.
A pakeha comes up to me and says “Any luck, Hori?”
“No,” I tell him, “not yet, anyway, but I hope to catch something before I go home. Anyhow I don't care much because it is such a corker day and I am enjoying the sunshine.”
Labels:
Duck Hunting,
Half-Gallon Jug,
The Hori Project
Thursday, 21 February 2013
The Analysis of Snow White OR Dwarfs do it with funny red hats
THE ANALYSIS OF SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS
OR
SNOW WHITE II – DWARFS DO IT WITH FUNNY RED HATS.
| INTRODUCTION:
Relax, the sense of deja vu is perfectly normal since I have already done an analysis of Snow White. In fact it was the first one of these that I did and my plan back then was to connect them all by having the running gag of people going off to fight in the Unicorn Wars. Thankfully I was able to cast such ideas to the wind but this particular story seems to beg for an update.
An update which, if you hit the jump you can read.
Labels:
Analysis,
Fractured fiairy tales,
Snow White,
Theory(tails)
Sunday, 10 February 2013
A-Z Challenge 2013
| INTRODUCTION:
So here's the thing. Leaving aside the issue of terrible grammar in that opening sentence I've done a few blog challenges in the past, they're both fun and challenging (1), but the A-Z was my first and remains my favourite. Of course the first time I did it my subjects were just a random selection of alphabetical miscellanea and last time I did it I actually tried to give out useful/less information.
The
biggest change in then and now is that then I was stuck in a job that
let me have a lot of hours to think about all the various topics and
didn't mind if I scribbled them down on the back of official type
forms. Whereas now I've left and am currently designated officialus
artus studentus (2)
The
thing of it is that my previous entries have been large walls of text
(3). Admittedly it's often funny text, occasionally has a
point and I'm happy to share anything that gets scribbled down in a
fit of inspiration/madness/carefully thought out and reasonable
discussion (4).
But
this time around it's going to be different. This time I've decided
that, due to aforementioned studentage, I'll most likely be bogged
down in assignments and essays where I must talk about a painting of
a daisy and what the play of shadow upon the petals was saying about
the working conditions during the industrial revolution. This isn't
going to leave me a lot of time to do other traditional student
activities – namely going to parties and getting drunk (5).
Anyway
the point is that with all the free time I now haven't got I've still
decided to do the challenge because of the aforementioned fun and
tradition but the big difference this time around is that it's going
to be comprised solely of Bands and their Albums.
POST 1: A - D
POST 2: E - H
POST 3: L - Z
POST 1: A - D
POST 2: E - H
POST 3: L - Z
| BAND
LIST:
ASTRAL
IMPROV
|
BARELY
APHRODISIA
|
CHORD
OF THE GODHEAD
|
DRAMA
LLAMA
|
EXTREME
RHUBARB
|
FORCED
PROMISE
|
GYRO
INSTITUTE
|
HEAD
POCKET
|
INTERNET
VOLTAGE
|
JUKEBOX
PORNO
|
KILLER
EXORCISM
|
LET
TYRANTS FEAR
|
MONTHLY
VAMPIRE
|
NAKED
INTERN
|
OPSHOP
ZOMBIES
|
POINTLESS
WAR AND THE MINISTERS
|
Q
|
RESET
ANYTIME
|
SATANS
ARROW
|
THROUGH
TELEVISION
|
UNFORGIVEN
INSPECTOR
|
VAMPIRE
SHAMPOO
|
WITH
WORDS AND MUSIC
|
XENOMORPHIC
PARADOX
|
YOGURT
HORSEFLY
|
ZINZENZO
|
There
you go, that's the list of bands and to the best of my knowledge
they don't exist except on my blog (6).
I don't know exactly what genre's they'll all be although I'd be surprised if Satans Arrow is anything less than very heavy metal.
I don't know exactly what genre's they'll all be although I'd be surprised if Satans Arrow is anything less than very heavy metal.
| NOTES:
- A phrasing, incidentally, that accurately sums up my first girlfriend.
- We can all be thankful that I'm not taking Latin.
- You can skip this next bit it's just me polishing my ego.
- But that last one almost never happens
- I kid. Art students don't have time for any of that. Not when we're all sitting around drinking tiny espressos and worrying about the price of berets.
- But if they do then they can have a free album cover. Woo!
Labels:
2013,
2013 A-Z Challenge,
A-Z,
Alphabet Challenge,
Bands,
Music,
Posters
Wednesday, 6 February 2013
Grandiose World Changing Theory #4 - Cellphone Alternatives
GRANDIOSE WORLD CHANGING THEORY #4:
CELLPHONE ALTERNATIVES
/INTRODUCTION:
The
following sentences are true:
I
have a cellphone.
It
is crap.
It won't tell me when I have messages or missed calls except when it
cuts me off in the middle of a call to tell me that there are
messages waiting.
It
has an alarm which works, erratically (1).
But
I mean you've got to have a cellphone these days because, well just
because. Or do you? It might be that there are alternatives to
cellphones which have not being looked at in enough depth.
Alternatives, I might add, that are not only good for the environment
but also good for humanity in general (2).
/OPTION ONE –
BIRDS:
Now
when I say birds I'm really talking about pigeons and you might think
I mean of the homing variety but I'm not. The pigeons I'm talking
about are the ones that gather in the city squares and are also known
as flying rats.
PRO:
Good at surviving
PRO:
Good at surviving
Know
their way around the cities of the world.
CON:
Not
exactly the smartest of birds. (3) Or are they? The fact
that this bird has managed to survive and thrive in the brutal worlds
of nature and also in the concrete jungle strikes me as suspicious.
What are they hiding? What's their agenda? Clearly the pigeon can
not be trusted.
“But
what about other kinds of birds?” I hear you ask through the
specialized and expensive software that lurks in the depths of this
blog. “There are more kinds than Pigeons you know”
Well I do know and have considered different types of avian but even there we seem to run into problems.
Well I do know and have considered different types of avian but even there we seem to run into problems.
Obviously
we can't use anything from the Corvus branch – crows, ravens
magpies etc. Not because they've already been proven to be rather
high up on the intelligence scale but more because it would mean that
everyone would look like Highschool Goths (4) and any messages
sent would look like
“When
the black inky night spills into the depths of my soul. I look into
the face of the monster and say 'what's the point of it all and can
you pick up some milk on the way home tonight?' Luv Mum”
Perhaps
then, each country should use their national birds as their own
message carriers? (5) This too has it's
drawbacks as the American Bald Eagle clearly wouldn't deliver
messages that it felt weren't patriotic enough which means that any
message sent would look like
“America
Woo! Man I tell you, I love living in this, the greatest and best
country in the world. Any who doesn't like us is gonna have to deal
with me! There's a real raging fire in my heart for this great state
of ours and there's a real raging fire in this state of ours. Could
you come and put it out? Yours in truth, justice and the American
way forever”
Our
own national bird is the Kiwi. A type of bird that doesn't fly, only
comes out at night and might deliver some sort of garbled message in
a couple of days if it doesn't find something more interesting to do
(6).
As stated above: Our Avian brothers are clearly not the answer.
As stated above: Our Avian brothers are clearly not the answer.
/OPTION 2 – ROCK:
Rocks
are everywhere in this world, they're everywhere in outer space as
well which explains why Boybands and that Justin Bieber chick are
having such a hard time breaking into the cosmic market. (7).
But
how exactly can we use mere rock to pass on messages? Why it's
simplicity itself
STEP
1: Locate rock of sufficient size
STEP
2: Write message on rock of sufficient size.
STEP
3: Whilst carrying rock of sufficient size, now loaded with message.
Find person with whom you wish to communicate
STEP 4: Throw rock of sufficient size at person with whom you wish to communicate
STEP 5: Await reply.
STEP 6: Ouch
STEP 7: Return to Step 1 until conversation is concluded.
Now if the movies have taught me anything it's that once people stop playing a sport they generally live their lives in an alcoholic haze until they are called upon to coach a ragtag team of underdogs (8) .
But what we have here is an opportunity. Since throwing rocks is the new form of communication the retired baseball pitcher or cricket bowler could easily get a job that allows them to transmit messages across the country for long distance communications.
This ensures that, when they eventually return to the sport that they love so much, this is going to be translated into bowling of bat shattering speeds (9)
STEP 4: Throw rock of sufficient size at person with whom you wish to communicate
STEP 5: Await reply.
STEP 6: Ouch
STEP 7: Return to Step 1 until conversation is concluded.
Now if the movies have taught me anything it's that once people stop playing a sport they generally live their lives in an alcoholic haze until they are called upon to coach a ragtag team of underdogs (8) .
But what we have here is an opportunity. Since throwing rocks is the new form of communication the retired baseball pitcher or cricket bowler could easily get a job that allows them to transmit messages across the country for long distance communications.
This ensures that, when they eventually return to the sport that they love so much, this is going to be translated into bowling of bat shattering speeds (9)
For obvious reasons this excludes Australians.
Feburary 1 1981:: Never Forget!
/OPTION
3 - NAMES:All right. From now on everyone gets a different
name. There is only one Tom, Tim, Istvaan, Oswold, Micky, Micheal,
Mike, etc in the entire world and on the basis that sooner or later
everyone knows everyone else (10) all anyone has to do is
pass on a message which will eventually get to the right person.
How do they know it's the right person? Because there's only one “Tim” on the planet and someone knows him.(11)
Of course we'll run into problems with this scheme as well since legally changing your name is already a bureaucratic nightmare of paperwork and red tape and if you don't move quickly enough then you could be stuck with a name that you don't want or worse, a name that you did want, back when you were thirteen (12)
Another issue is that this effectively makes the messaging system an elaborate and global version of Chinese Whispers which guarantees that when your message reaches “Tim” it's either so very garbled as not to make sense or has been changed entirely,
How do they know it's the right person? Because there's only one “Tim” on the planet and someone knows him.(11)
Of course we'll run into problems with this scheme as well since legally changing your name is already a bureaucratic nightmare of paperwork and red tape and if you don't move quickly enough then you could be stuck with a name that you don't want or worse, a name that you did want, back when you were thirteen (12)
Another issue is that this effectively makes the messaging system an elaborate and global version of Chinese Whispers which guarantees that when your message reaches “Tim” it's either so very garbled as not to make sense or has been changed entirely,
/NOTES:
- and occasionally vomits pea soup while spinning round and shouting “Your mother sews socks in heck!” but to be fair I did download that particular app.
- Also for humanity in Specific. A country that, I'll remind you, is nowhere near New Zealand, but shout out to my Specifican brothers! You guys don't get no respect!
- I know what you're thinking and no we can't monkey around with their genetic structure. Didn't Charlton Hestons time among those damned dirty apes teach you anything?
- The worst kind!
- I mean why else would we have them?
- Like laundry.
- Heartfelt thanks to Pink Floyd and David Bowie. They've guaranteed that at least one aspect of the final frontier will be awesome.
- Who may or may not also be depressed/disabled/girls or a gestalt combination of all three
- Because that's what India needs. More fast bowlers.
- In the same way that Wikipedia insists that everyone knows everything although if that is true then explain Student Loans.
- “Oh yeah, he's the one that suggested throwing rocks at eagles. I hate that guy!”
- Remember the type of stuff you were into when you were thirteen? Do you really want your taxes done by Conan Thundercat Prime, the invincible hero of the universe?
Labels:
Birds,
Cellphones,
Grandiose World Changing Theory,
Names,
Rocks,
Specifica
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Grandiose world Changing Theory - The problem with babies
Before
I begin I'd just like to state that, while I don't have children I
did stand in a supermarket queue behind a mother who did and,
according to the internet, this now qualifies me as an expert on
parenting in general and children in specific (1)
That
being said I feel that I must point out that Babies cry. Babies cry,
alot. It appears to be one of the joys of parenting that they've
conveniently left out of the brochures. The thing of it is that
we've been around for a long time now and babies have been around
almost as long. You'd think that at some point in our history
someone would have come up with an idea or two to address the
problems of crying babies.
Anyone?
Looks
like it's up to me then.
PROBLEM 1: LOST IN TRANSLATION
The
problem as I see it is that their crying only serves the purpose of
getting them noticed and "Wah wah" covers such a wide range
of topics that its difficult to know whether they're saying "I'm
tired" or “Actually I'm rather concerned with the political
situation in the Middle East (2)"
Namby
Pamby Politically correct Solution:
Endeavor
to understand the body language of your child. Spend time with them
and show them the joy of the spoken word.
Jabberwockery
Solution:
Take
a stand from day one! They say you've got to speak your babies
language, well I ask you who brought them into this world? Who's
the one paying the bills until their eighteen? "If there's any
languages spoken in this household it'll be mine boyo!"
As
a last resort you could teach them charades but only if you need to
teach them the difference between "Get mummy a coffee" and
"Maybe you should start mopping the floor instead of just
sitting there"
Basic semaphore is also acceptable but only
if you live in the tropics and cant afford a punkahwallah
PROBLEM 2: IT'S ALL IN THE TONE
The
big problem is that when Baby A is crying and encounters Baby B this
will invariably start Baby B off as well and as the pair attempt to
outdo each other the number of babies grows exponentially until there
are no more babies in the world that aren't crying and you're getting
nasty phone calls from Russian parents who had only just managed to
put their little goulash factory to sleep.
Of course the
interesting thing about all of this is that no two babies actually
manage to hit the same note at the same time, or indeed at any time
(3).
Namby
Pamby Politically Correct Solution:
Children crying is just a fact
of life and one that everyone will go through. Eventually they grow
out of it but you might want to look up from the chardonnay from time
to time and perhaps get a secretary to deal with the deluge of angry
Russians (4)
Jabberwockery
Solution:
Right,
if we can't stop the noise then the least we can do is adjust the
problem and here at Jabberwockery we're all about adjusting the
problem (5)
Since
babies are going to cry anyway the thing to do is to teach them to do
it in harmony with each other. It'll be a difficult thing to
accomplish and will most likely involve a squad of music tutors
breaking down doors, confronting expectant mothers and demanding
impromptu duets
At
the very least we'll need to have lecture halls and studios added to
each hospital nursery. Sheet music will be provided on request (6).
PROBLEM 3: PROBLEM 2 REVISITED
Of
course no solution is free of further problems and I predict that the
mixing of musical styles may just lead us back to the problems of
babies crying at cross purposes but rather than being a global clash
of discordant voices this time it'll come off more like an 80's hair
metal (7) battle of the bands which nobody wants to listen to at
three in the morning.
Namby Pamby Politically Correct
Solution:
Babies making music are babies that are learning, This
is a proven scientific fact. You might invest in a set of earplugs
and disconnect your phone for a while but perhaps a better solution
is to engage your child and challenge them musically. Eventually
you'll be able to relax to the vocal style of your favorite artist
and your infant will receive all the attention that they want.
Jabberwockery
Solution:
Since we've got musical babies the only possible
solution is to produce a global baby orchestra where, through the use
of carefully tuned pointed sticks the babies are made to cry at
specific times in order to create something that might be called
music.
| NOTES:
- in New Zealand actually. Look at a map and you'll see that we're nowhere near Specifica.
- ”...perhaps we might sit down and discuss it like two rational human beings? What? Oh you're putting me to bed. Don't think I won't remember this mother! You'll rue this day! Rue it I say!"
- Just as interestingly when wolves howl at the moon they do the same thing. It is a lupine faux pas to howl at the moon in the same key as your neighbor. I don't know why this is because this week I'm an expert on the Genus Babius Crawlus Messyus and not Lupus Socialus Musicalus or indeed Mortisium Languigius: Latinium Grammaticus
- You can rabbit on about the political ins and outs all day but this is how the cold war really got started. Learn from history or be prepared to repeat it.
- You'll note that I didn't say providing solutions because that's just crazy talk.
- But will be looked down on by children of the terminally hip.
- Sans tight leather pants and meter long fringes
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
Harts Change - Some Scribbly Bits
|CONVERSATION AND MEETING
BETWEEN THE PRIESTS:
[Scene: Chapter 3 Part ? - A
few days after the entrance to Hermitage. Word of Evelyn's arrival
has reached the ears of interested parties and many metaphors about
waves, boats and motion are about to be applicable]
Characters:
Most
Holy Mouth of the Great Crocodile – Da boss, the head honcho, The
big C., The Crocfather. Have you ever had to work with someone who
seemed to dedicated to bringing you down? That's this guy. He's got
the power and the authority to bring the hammer down on people across
the country, He'd like to be regarded as a caring father but his
position in the church, coupled with his rather obnoxious nature has
won him few real friends.
I'm still working on him though I don't think he'll ever have a very big part and yes he is based very much on someone that I used to work with.
I'm still working on him though I don't think he'll ever have a very big part and yes he is based very much on someone that I used to work with.
Priest
Rig – A priest who has begun to question the role of the church and
is therefore a danger to the status quo. This meeting is just the
beginning of his career as a character since I've already penciled
him in as a leader of a sect who have turned away from the crocodile
and begun to worship and study at the feet of Leonia, a champion of
ancient legend..
Far
away and removed from the hurly burly of the city there sits a room.
It used to be a ballroom but needs must as the devil drives as they
say and the long engraved table that now dominates the room shows
that it has being usurped by something more important than dancing.
Of
course a table suggest that people would use it and the council of
the most holy shuffles in quietly and respectfully to take their
places as is permitted by tradition. Some of them look will a slight
longing at their comfortable chairs which are collected up in the
corner of the room.but when the most holy mouth of the great
crocodile coughs and bangs on the table to bring the meeting to order
they quickly get down to it.
[nw:
Right then, this intro is crap but it's actually supposed to be
since I'm not exactly certain whereabouts this bit is going to go. I
need to expand the meeting subjects and show the beginnings of the
fracturing of the church. - this will be backed up later with the
whole adoption angle in chapter 4 - To quote the bard: It's the
dialogue of the thing thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the
king. I'll admit that it's strictly speaking accurate but then I'm
not strictly speaking Shakespeare (barring some hitherto unknown
reincarnation)]
“I
thank you all for coming on such short notice” the most holy mouth
begins I've called this meeting as there is a report that Evelyn
Esteele has left her self imposed exile and returned to Hermitage”
At the end of the table one of the newer members cleared his throat “this isn't new. Far better to let this matter rest”
At the end of the table one of the newer members cleared his throat “this isn't new. Far better to let this matter rest”
“Let
it rest Rig? Until the girl returns to the rightous way of the great
and holy crocodile we may not, can not, forget the insult that she
has offered us”
“What
insult is this most holy mouth? As I've heard the story she went
through a great deal in order to save the man she loved and he for
her. All very romantic but of no real insult to us”
“Priest
Rig you are not recognised at this time” the old priest was terse
but there you have it “Evelyn Esteele abandoned the church and
offered great insult ot me, er, the priest who married them”
“As
I heard it the priest who was involved in this took a rather
substantial payment in return for his services. I would think that,
whoever he is, he would want the issue forgotten” Rig smiled
arrogantly “perhaps the insult is to him alone and the rest of us
can forget about the whole affiar”
“To
insult one of us is to insult all of us!” the holy mouth insisted
vehimently
“Leaving all this insult business aside” an older priest broke into the argument “My brothers and sisters would it not simple be better to just ignore her? Evelyn Esteele has been disowned, Lady Trailin never lasted the night and Evelyn Oneeye is the personal guard of the Baron Lutin. As she is in the city to perform her duties I see no reason not to allow her to attend the Baronial Mischance and then leave Hermitage with her master”
“But”
“Well said. There are clearly more pressing issues to contend with at the moment”
“But”
“Leaving all this insult business aside” an older priest broke into the argument “My brothers and sisters would it not simple be better to just ignore her? Evelyn Esteele has been disowned, Lady Trailin never lasted the night and Evelyn Oneeye is the personal guard of the Baron Lutin. As she is in the city to perform her duties I see no reason not to allow her to attend the Baronial Mischance and then leave Hermitage with her master”
“But”
“Well said. There are clearly more pressing issues to contend with at the moment”
“But”
“But
what?” Priest Rig hit the wall loudly “But we need to gnaw at
this bone just a little longer? But we need to destroy her so that
everyone knows the terrible price of crossing the church? But what
most holy?”
“I
was about to point out that she's a wanted criminal with a
substantial price on her head. In her wake she leaves chaos and
death. She's only been in the city a few days and already several
people have attempted to collect the reward. None of them have
survived. I ask you all is this the sort of person that we want in
the Royal City? The sort of person who should have access to the
Beggar King himself?”
“Most holy mouth I can only agree with my revered teacher. She's not going out of her way to antagonize us and anyone who tries to claim a reward such as hers surely knows the price of failure already. In this matter we must follow her example”
“Most holy mouth I can only agree with my revered teacher. She's not going out of her way to antagonize us and anyone who tries to claim a reward such as hers surely knows the price of failure already. In this matter we must follow her example”
“My
student is right” the old priest said firmly “as emotional as
ever, but right. We just leave her alone. No attacks, no sermons,
just stay away and let it blow over”
The most holy mouth of the great crocodile looked around the room carefully before he answered “I'd like to do that very thing my brother. Just wave my hand and pretend that none of it ever happened but the fact remains that the insult to the church is something that can not be overlooked. An insul that Evelyn Esteele takes great pride in recounting and causing others to laugh at us and question our teachings. She influences everyone that hears her and if left unchecked she could easily be the catalyst that brings down the entire church”
“The entire church most holy? Clearly you overestimate her”
“Again priest Rig I remind you that your comments are out of order”
“And again I remind you that your own make no sense” Rig shook his head “It's obvious to everyone in this room that you've already made the decision concerning the woman. All you desire from this meeting is the justifiaction to act. I refuse to vote on this matter most holy” the large doors were already open by the time Rig and his supporters reached them “make of that what you will” he offered as a parting shot.
The most holy mouth of the great crocodile looked around the room carefully before he answered “I'd like to do that very thing my brother. Just wave my hand and pretend that none of it ever happened but the fact remains that the insult to the church is something that can not be overlooked. An insul that Evelyn Esteele takes great pride in recounting and causing others to laugh at us and question our teachings. She influences everyone that hears her and if left unchecked she could easily be the catalyst that brings down the entire church”
“The entire church most holy? Clearly you overestimate her”
“Again priest Rig I remind you that your comments are out of order”
“And again I remind you that your own make no sense” Rig shook his head “It's obvious to everyone in this room that you've already made the decision concerning the woman. All you desire from this meeting is the justifiaction to act. I refuse to vote on this matter most holy” the large doors were already open by the time Rig and his supporters reached them “make of that what you will” he offered as a parting shot.
| ELSEWHERE:
[Scene: another
meeting but not in the same place as before. This one is more urgent and goes at the end of Chapter 3 or at the start of Chapter 4.]
“Our
next order of business, once again I might add, is the Esteele
question”
“What
is the Esteele question exactly?”
“Haven't
you been listening to the pipers songs? She's managed to con her way
into a place with the Kings own tinkers”
“Really. I hadn't heard of any Esteeles being appointed. The pipers I listen to told me her name was Oneeye”
“Really. I hadn't heard of any Esteeles being appointed. The pipers I listen to told me her name was Oneeye”
“You
know who I mean! And now shes a tinker to the king” the holy mouth
stabbed his finger forward “We should do nothing you said! She'll
be here and gone in a week you said! Care to explain yourself?”
Priest
Rig didn't bother to look shamefaced “I don't see anything to worry
about”
“You don't?”
“No I don't” Rig snapped “I really don't. She doesn't want to follow our teachings thats fine. Half the damned country is dead. The survivors are reaching out to us and we're just sitting on our hands while you pursue your vendetta against one woman? Holy mouth I demand to know where your priorities are” around the wide room there were the grumblings that may or may not have been support “I don't pretend to know the reasons why we were cursed with this but the fact of the matter is that our roads overflow with the bodies of the dead. The simple facts of the matter is that the holy crocodiles are stuffed full, the millers, pounders and inkers all report that they have no more room to handle the surplus. Perhaps we should take all this as a sign. Perhaps it is time to let our people in. Break open the Silver Mountain and feed the people as we feed upon them”
“Without the proper rituals?” the head priest sneered
“You don't?”
“No I don't” Rig snapped “I really don't. She doesn't want to follow our teachings thats fine. Half the damned country is dead. The survivors are reaching out to us and we're just sitting on our hands while you pursue your vendetta against one woman? Holy mouth I demand to know where your priorities are” around the wide room there were the grumblings that may or may not have been support “I don't pretend to know the reasons why we were cursed with this but the fact of the matter is that our roads overflow with the bodies of the dead. The simple facts of the matter is that the holy crocodiles are stuffed full, the millers, pounders and inkers all report that they have no more room to handle the surplus. Perhaps we should take all this as a sign. Perhaps it is time to let our people in. Break open the Silver Mountain and feed the people as we feed upon them”
“Without the proper rituals?” the head priest sneered
“We can teach the
people” Rig insisted “Show them that to take a person into
yourself is to join them with the Holy Crocodile his own self”
| PRIEST RIG DEPARTS THE SILVER MOUNTAIN
[This takes place after Evelyn finds Tygens workbook. Leonia reaches out to find someone and Priest Rig answers. What does she want with him? I suppose that he's just a means to an end but that isn't saying much because in Leonias opinion everyone is a means to an end. This piece is now officially out of date but I'm keeping it around to show exactly how casual the cannibalism aspect has become.]
“Rig.
Sit down” his master greeted him with cheer and poured the dark
hearts blood personally rather than waiting for a servant “You're
just in time for dinner”
The
plates were passed around and he nibbled sparingly on ladies fingers
coated in a particularly hot sauce while his old tutor piled his
plate high with baby back ribs and choice cuts of meat.
“What
news of your desmense?”
“Winter
is hitting everyone hard” he admitted “between it and the war I
wonder what will be left come the spring”
“You
always did take everything to heart” the old priest said, delicately
selected a larger one from the bowl “yet in the middle of all these
happenings you are suddenly recalled back to the Silver Mountain”
Rig
nodded cautiously “with no reason given either”he speared some
passing sweet breads
“They
need to spell out a reason? I thought I thought you better than that”
the old priest swallowed down the pickled eyes, coughing a little at
the bite of the brine
“What
then have you heard?”
Their
conversation was interrupted by the fiery ritual of the stomach. Rig
noted that it was usually met with more respect than a gaggle of
drunken priests
“What
have I heard? Ah so many whispers surround this place and so many
surround you. I may have heard something that indicated that the
Grand Council, not being particularly pleased with your latest words,
recalling you to Silver Mountain in order to rake you over the coals”
“My
latest words? I've only been saying what people are thinking!”
“But
you have been saying it. Where they have the sense to keep their
mouths shut. From what I understand the council plan for you to be
offered a small post where you may no longer be able to influence
anyone”
“Look
around! This ceremony was once a dignified and solemn event. We
knew the lives and history of those we ate but for every priest now
each meal is a banquet while everyone else in the country starves!”
“You
overstate yourself. Nobody is starving”
“Its
only a matter of time! What happened to us that we debauch ourselves
like this?”
“You
really need to ask? For whatever reason we were cursed with the
turning and now our roads overflow with the bodies of the dead. The
holy crocodiles are stuffed full, the millers,pounders and inkers are
all reporting that they have no more room to handle the surplus.
I've got three shifts of men stripping the bones for the birds but
you know thats always a slow job and if we feed them too much we run
the risk of one of the flock, or herd as it were, finding out about
Silver Mountain and what goes on here”
“Perhaps
this is a sign, perhaps it is time to let our people in. Break open
the stores and feed the people as we feed upon them”
“Without
the proper rituals?”
“We
could teach them. Show them that to take someone into yourself is to
join them with the Great Crocodile his own self”
The
old priest shook his head “It wouldn't work” he proclaimed loudly
“Embrace me and then leave my presence my student. I have nothing
more to teach you”
The
pair rose and clasped each other roughly
“I'm
sorry to have disappointed you teacher”
“You've
done nothing of the sort my boy” the teacher whispered into his ear
“get out of the Silver Mountain. The council will hear of this
outburst of yours and they will send men after you”
“But
the summons”
“Others
have talked like you. They've all been disapeered”
“Yes”
Rig said in a daze
“yes,
I need to go east. All the way east”
“As
good a direction as any my boy. I'll get a message to you when I
can”
Rig
moved off slowly shaking his head to remove the ringing from his ears
[which is Leonias magic at work]
he
thought it odd since he had only had a few sips of the Hearts Blood
He
stopped as one of the prettier serving girls took a hesitant step
forward “Do you really mean all that you said?” she asked
“I
did. It is time that we opened our arms to our country and the
world”
“Then
I will follow you” she deposited her serving bowl on the large
table and fell into step behind him
“The
road will be difficult” he admitted “I'm heading east of here but
beyond that I don't know which way to go”
“Does
anyone?” her arm wrapped tightly around his own “it's the journey
that matters and my name is Rachel”
Also
note somewhere that a few priests have been run off at spear point
when they were trying to collect fresh a fresh sacrifice. Rig takes
this as a sign that the time for sacrifice has finished.
[nw:
fix Rachels part at the end. She is basicly there to show that Rig
is not the only person who feels the same way. Perhaps they shall be
lovers? Uncertain as yet although it would seperate Rig and the
Leonists from the Traditionals who, generally do not get married, or
if they do then it is very much kept inside the church so as not to
reveal the whole cannibilism thing]
Labels:
Harts Change,
Some Scribbly Bits,
The Church
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