Sunday, 14 October 2012

Grandiose World Changing Theory: #3 Pandas


There is a saying “violence never solves anything” and it's often brought out after it's been proved wrong.  This is generally because anybody who is old enough to have the authority to say it isn't going to be present when the fight actually starts.  Ever.

It might have crossed your mind to wonder exactly why a post on wildlife conservation opens with such a strange paragraph [1]
Usually the literature from the “save the planet” people launch with some statistic or fact about humans which is meant to wake you up to the reality that humanity is very evil and takes a cartoonish delight in destroying the planet.
If you read on further about how everyone is killing everything it's easy to see that, were it not for the maxim of violence not solving anything, all the other species of the world would have banded together and put a stop to humanity long ago.

If you manage to make it through to the end the final page is devoted to letting you know that by giving them money they can help to save the Pandas.

I don't want anyone out there in the land of Internet thinking that I'm picking on Greenpeace, The World Wildlife Fund or any other such group because these organizations do an amazing job of keeping things honest.
All that being said we can't go past the fact that I grew up hearing
“Save the pandas! Save the pandas!” [2]
So why is it that 90% of the panda news is yet another story about how the zookeepers are having trouble getting the giant pandas to breed? [3]

It's easy enough to see why the panda gets so much attention.  they're cute, fluffy and have apparently been in danger of dying out since forever ago, in other words the perfect mascots.  Now that I'm older and being approached by people who are still after me to save them I think it might be time to acknowledge that what we want from the Pandas is a little bit of effort and perhaps a return on the investment. [4]


The problem is that we're asking “what can I do to help?” and that's wrong.  That question only leads to giving the Pandas and/or their legal representatives all of your money and only eating free range lentils.
The proper question is “Why won't you balls of fur breed already?”

It certainly isn't for lack of trying.  Wait, it certainly isn't for lack of trying on our part is what I should have said since over the years they've tried all sorts of different methods ranging from Viagra to Barry White to playing them Panda porn [5]

From my observations it seems that the behavior of the panda can be matched with the surly teenager who sits around the house all day, plays his game console all night but in a head spinning contradiction has a very hot girlfriend with whom he never does anything.

The female Panda on the other hand seems to be a little more with it and have long ago laid down the ultimatum to their boyfriends that they need to stop rolling around doing bugger all and prepare for the family [6].  This clearly didn't have the desired result since the male pandas seem to have collectively shrugged their shoulders, muttered “whatever” and turned back to their games.

Now here humanity is and somehow it's become our problem.  Luckily for all parties I have been thinking hard about this and believe that I have found a solution that will save the day.


“What destroys a healthy relationship?”
Ask anyone old enough to have their heart broken and they'll tell you that it's nothing less than the green eyed monster of Jealousy.  This Ladies, gentlemen and everyone else is how we'll get the Pandas to breed. 
We make the male panda jealous enough to tear him away from his xbox and we use violence to ensure that he doesn't go back to it.

Step 1: The most important step for without which there is no step 2.

Step 2: Into the Panda's enclosure we introduce a gorilla and this is where the plan really begins because, unbeknownst to the pandas, the gorilla is really a man in a costume.  Given what's going to be happening in the later steps he needs to be on the scale of Andre The Giant and have a background in wrestling and/or marital arts [7]

Step 3: The “gorilla” will ignore the male panda and start making himself known to the female,  Politeness and attentiveness will be used as they are just two more things that the male hasn't been giving her [8]

It won't take long before the male panda looks up and realizes that the “gorilla” is horning in on his turf and he'll get up in order to have a bit of a chat, all friendly like with the newcomer.

Step 4: Wham! Our agent gets the first shot in and manages to take down the panda. 

From that day on the male panda is living a life of misery since every time he attempts to interact with something other than the female panda then the “gorilla” will intercept him, deliver yet another smack down and point him firmly in the direction of the female.

It will take a little while but eventually the thought process of the male panda will be along these lines
“There's some bamboo.  I'd like some...wait a minute.  Water then.  Can't go wrong with...uh oh.  That rock!  Aw yeah that rock is so cool but at the same time warm aaand the gorilla is sleeping on it so I won't bother him”

Thus it is with the helpful use of applied levels of violence the only thing that the male panda will be able to do is the female panda which will no doubt save the species and net me a million thank you letters from grateful lady panda all over the world. [9]


I accept that the scheme sounds harsh and is fraught with difficulty but the fact of the matter is that the panda has been endangered for far too long and if the price of saving the species means that we've got to hand out some black eyes then so be it. [10]

  1. Although regular readers will have already noted that this sort of thing is par for the course round here.
  2. More accurately it was “Save the .... from the ....” but you get the idea.
  3. When they do manage to have a baby panda story it's usually to hide the fact that the old panda has been taken care of by specially trained sniper sloths.  Everyone must ride the carousel after all. (This is a reference to Logans Run.  The fact that I feel I need to explain it makes me think that the joke isn't as funny as I think it is.  If you didn't need this note to tell you about the reference then you get an extra large batch of geek points.).
  4. Far be it from me to suggest that we move on to the next animal on the list but the fact that we've spent so much time concentrating on saving this black and white ball of laziness means we've lost both the unicorns and the dragons, although the latter is sort of a mixed blessing.
  5. I promise you that this a real thing.  The jokes just write themselves
  6. Running around and eating bamboo isn't going to look good on the CV after all.
  7. Not to perpetuate the stereotype but pandas seem to be well known for their martial arts abilities.  A cage match between a panda and a gorilla would certainly attract all manner of sponsorship deals.
  8. Badum Tsh!
  9. Some time later I'll have the worlds largest collection of baby panda pictures and every single post on this blog will be nothing but baby pandas Thus guaranteeing me the coveted position of most popular blog on the Internet.
  10. After all, who's going to know?


  1. I vote "Yes".^^ Great post..witty as usual^^
    Hilarious notes!!

    1. Only one of the pair of WWF collectors that stopped me in the street actually got the joke. The other looked so disgusted that it was like a Sesame Street film on the differences between Happy :) and Sad :(