Saturday, 27 August 2011

The Half Gallon Jar - The right oil at the races cost me plenty

The right oil at the races cost me plenty

A few weeks ago I am under the house trying to get a spell away from the missus and the mother in law, and have just pulled the cork from the half-Gallon jar when a pakeha joker from up the road blows in to pass the time of day and talk about this and that and one thing and another. This pakeha always seems to come along just when I have opened a new jar.

I tell him that the beer is not very cool and as it is a hot day he had better have some iced water.
He says that water is all right for putting around ships or using for hydro-electric works, but the only time he drinks it is when it is mixed with gin or whiskey or some other plonk like that. He says that he can put up with the beer being warm cause he only wants to drink for the good fellowship and that sort of hooey.

After he has had a few pots he says to me like this: “Say, Hori. What about you driving me to the races on Saturday 'cause I can get the good oil from a mate of mine?”
I tell him that I don't need the oil since the old V8 has had the rebore.
He say, “Crikey, I don't mean that sort of oil. What I mean is the dinkum oil, the straight griffin and the low down about the horses.
I say I don't know much about this new korero but if he can put me onto a winner I will give it a go.

The mother in law she say I had better stay at home and do the garden but if I go I must shout her ten bob each way on no. 7 in the big race. We get to the races and I feel very thirsty after the long drive in the old car, so I say I would like a drink. Well, we find the bar and, py korry, I never see such a lot of old barmen – they all about 80 years old and take about 20 minutes to serve a beer. We ask for a beer and an old chap gives us one of those medicine glasses about three-quarters full and he charges us sixpence a throw.
Py Korry, I reckon at this price the half gallon jar would cost about ten quid.

We we go and have a look at the horses and I pick out one that looks good to me. His number is No. 5, so I tell my pakeha friend that I will put the ten bob each way on this prad.
He says, “Don't be the plurry fool. Wait until I get the drum.”
I say, “What's this drum business?”
He says “It's the same as the oil, the griffin and the low down”

At last we find this coot who is going to give us this drum business. He is a skinny pakeha who looks like he has been living on bird seed for a long time. He talks out of the side of his mouth and wears his hat on the back of his head. This bloke says to us to wait at the bottom of the Members Stand while he goes and sees the heads. After a while he comes back with two very fat pakehas They are smoking the big cigars and wearing the binoculars on the belly.

The skinny joker who talks out the side of his mouth says that these gentlemen would like a drinks, so we all go to the bar again.
The side of the mouth coot says for me to touch the pants first , so I say, “OK five beers please”
They all say, “Not on your plurry life” and they order the double whiskey and the double vodka and tomato juice. They tell me to have the square gin with a schnapps as a chaser. Py korry, the only difference between schnapps and square gin is that on tastes like gear oil and the other tastes like used gear oil.

All this sets me back about a quid, and I don't feel too happy cause I want that quid to put on the no. 5 horse. I tell one of these fat blokes that I like this no 5 horse and he takes the skinny bloke to one side and they have a korero.

The big joker says to me “Where you get the drum?”
I say that I not get any drum, I only like the look of that horse.
The big joker say to me. “Listen mate, that horse has got no show. He is dead”
I say, “he is not dead. I can see him now and he looks very much alive”
He then say, “I don't mean he is dead that way, but he is not a jigger. He is going to be hooked, pulled and run into the ground.”
Py korry, I think this fat bloke must know something I then ask this big pakeha how he know all about this horse.
Brother” he says “I own that horse and I have told the jockey not to knock him about”
Hori: he says, “you had better be on no. 10 instead”

I think to myself py korry, this coot must know something alright, so I take his advice and back no. 10. Stiffen the crows, this no.10 dead heats for ninth and the no. 5 wins and pays a tenner to win and the price of several half-Gallon jars for a place. Py korry, this big joker he very angry and say he will report the jockey to the stewards for not obeying instructions. I tell all these pakeha blokes that I have to put the ten bob each way on No 7 in the next race for my mother in law.

The big joker say “What does she know? So I tell him she know everything.
Well” he says, “she don't know that last night this horse ate his bedding and has got the bellyache”
I say to him to let me have a look at this horse through his binoculars, but he tells me that I can't see through these glasses cause they are full of cigar ash and he only wears them on the belly to stop the ash from getting on his clothes.
It is more than my life's worth no to do as my mother in law says, so I tell him I must back no.7
Mr side of the mouth he say “Alright Hori give me the money cause the tote is nearly closed and I'll run and put it on for you”

This coot he don't come back, so we go and have a look at the race. Py korry, my mother in law she know something alright. This No. 7 he wins and pays 50 smackers for the win and ten quid for the place. I am very pleased caused this will put me on side with the wifes mother for a long time. I wait until after the last race but I can't find that joker with my money.

When I get home I find that the mother in law has been earwigging to the races on the noise box and she comes running out to meet me to get her winnings.
I tell her all about what happened.
For once in her life she don't earbash me. But just crowns me with the lid of the pressure cooker.
When I get the stitches out I think I will do the garden on Saturdays.

Will anyone who sees a skinny bloke who talks out of the side of his mouth and wears the hat at the back of his head, please let me know.

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