The dangers of Aliens and a cunning plan

As Mankind steps once more into the vastness of outer space with talk of manned missions to Mars [1] I think that it's time the collective governments of the world acknowledge two things

1. That the Voyager probe was a success and they have been in contact with several alien species for a number of years
2. That these same aliens have been monitoring the radio signals which are generally bounced off satellites.

This gives us two very important facts.

1. That the aliens are too busy sitting around watching TV to invade earth
2. That the earth has been the most coveted prize in the universe and the signals that we've sent into outer space have been the most effective propaganda campaign ever.

Hang on. I've seen those films and the only thing an alien is going to learn from them is that Humans are soft, squidgy and go well with chocolate.

Ever watched a scary movie? I mean a really, really scary one that had those bits that you just couldn't watch so you covered up your eyes until it was over. We'll have to assume that the Aliens monitoring us are doing the same thing when the Hollywood aliens start losing.

But that doesn't make sense. Not every Alien is going to cover his/her/its eyes/optical tendrils when it gets too much. Levels of scariness are pretty much relative anyway.

That's why we're pumping so much money into the movie industry. With the amount of movies and movie monsters that we've produced the odds that the alien couch potatoes have had to look away are pretty good.

This is pretty flimsy.  All right we'll say the whole “propaganda” thing has worked and Hollywood magic has stopped several alien invasions. What happens when we finally get far enough into outer space that we actually meet the aliens and they discover that the movies are only a convenient fiction?

But they won't be.

But they are. I hate to break it to you and any aliens that happen to read this but movie aliens are not real [2].  When our astronaut and cosmonauts extend the hand of friendship then all we're going to hear is the zappy zappy of laser cannons [3]

Unless. Oh no you've got a plan don't you?

I may have a contingency plan with which to protect our nauties. All we have to do is follow the Jabberwockery Survival Guide to Outer Space Encounters With Alien Lifeforms or J.S.G.O.S.E.A.L for short.

That doesn't spell anything

It doesn't have to. It's a simple three step plan guaranteed to protect the lives of everyone on the planet, off the planet and anywhere in between.

You've seriously sat down and thought about this?

You won't have that attitude when JSGOSEAL has just saved you from having your face eaten. [4]

JABBERWOCKERY SURVIVAL GUIDE TO OUTER SPACE ENCOUNTERS WITH ALIEN LIFEFORMS

STEP 1: Spaceships.

• All spaceships produced on earth will be called Nostromo, Enterprise, Defiance or Serenity.
• The official name for any earth space stations will be Babylon Five.
• All earth colonies will be referred to as Penal Colonies. Any actual penal colonies will be referred to as holiday locations [5].

STEP 2: Education.

• All incarnations of Star Trek, Babylon 5 and Firefly will be taught as fact [6] to children in schools. Holidays and events referred to in each of these series will be celebrated/mourned/acknowledged on the appropriate stellar dates [7] The odds that someone has already managed to combine the timeliness of these are pretty good.
• On graduation all students will take on the professional names of Kirk, Riker, Ripley, Janeway, Jayne, Ivanova or River Tam.

STEP 3: Preventative Measures.

• While traveling through outer space the various ships of humanity will be sending out a very important message via robopigeon to any aliens in the vicinity.

---ATTENTION ALL ALIENS STOP---

---THIS IS THE EARTH SHIP NOSTROMO---

---I HAVE ELLEN RIPLEY AND RIVER TAM ON BOARD STOP---

---SERIOUSLY GUYS DONT TRY ANYTHING WITH EARTH STOP---

---WE WILL MESS YOU UP---

---SINCERELY CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK STOP---

---[8]---

Notes:

1. and completely overlooking the fact that Tarzan has already beaten everyone there.
2. “They're not? Prepare to invade!”
   “But Sir, Doctor Who Marathon”
   “Irrelevant! Wait. Which Doctor?”
3. It's the guns that go “Pyew Pyew” Presumably NASA training covers this at some point.
4. I was bored at work. This is where most of my post ideas come from.
5. Thus giving the unsuspecting vacation aliens a very nasty surprise
6. Not Star Wars because that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.
7. Today for instance is “Captain Mal kicked a guy into the engine and it was totally cool” day.
8. You have to pay extra for a musical version. It is sung by a Johnny Cash impersonator because if we don't have the man in black then what's the point of going?