CCT Portfolio - Introduction

Introduction:

 

The contents and final page of my portfolio.  I don't think that I need to upload the whole of the text for you to get the idea.  As long as you follow the right colour then you'll know exactly what section you are in.

 

The title of this portfolio is Contradictions and is written in braille.  I did have plans for embossing the printed versions but I somehow lost a day and had to scrap the idea due to time considerations.  The big punchline, as the afterword takes alot of time to say, is that blind people can read the text but are unable to see the art while sighted people can appreciate the art and only goggle in wonderment at the braille.

 

The main contents page.  3D, Digital and Illustration

3D contents page: Avatar, Panels and Light

Afterword: included at the back of the collection for those who didn't get the joke.

OTHER WORK

• INTRODUCTION
• 3D WORK
• ILLUSTRATION
• DIGITAL

 

CCT Portfolio - Illustration

Introduction:
It's over! Finally and totally over! The printer has been sworn at while it sat there in quiet defiance but none of that matters anymore because the portfolios have been handed in and has officially become someone elses problem.

Illustration:

A1 size storyboard enlargement.  This was The Riddler from the first frame of the movie.  Except that it also isn't.  The pegleg was added due to the fact that I couldn't get the foot to look right (really.  the sketchlines of my 5H were as thick as a regular HB)
The pegleg changed everything and I just the art take over, as pretentious as that sounds, and this was result.

Yet another Batman.  This time in pastels and I swear that next time I get involved in something like this I'll do Moon Knight!
(For those not in the know Moon Knight has a white costume.  I'll just hand in blank paper and get A's for everything!)

OTHER WORK

• INTRODUCTION
• 3D WORK
• ILLUSTRATION
• DIGITAL

CCT Portfolio - Digital

Introduction:
It's over! Finally and totally over! The printer has been sworn at while it sat there in quiet defiance but none of that matters anymore because the portfolios have been handed in and has officially become someone elses problem.

DIGITAL

Poster for the Batman movie that we made.  Well it was going to be but Batman, Robin and The Riddler didn't exactly gel as a romantic movie.  So I went back to square one and used Catwoman who is a better choice for a love interest/adversary/unwilling ally.



David Hockney style montage.  For those interested the child is myself back in the day.

 

David Hockney style montage.  This is also an image of me "back in the day" (Boom boom)



OTHER WORK

• INTRODUCTION
• 3D WORK
• ILLUSTRATION
• DIGITAL

 

CCT Portfolio - 3D Work

Introduction:
It's over!  Finally and totally over!  The printer has been sworn at while it sat there in quiet defiance but none of that matters anymore because the portfolios have been handed in and has officially become someone elses problem.

 

3D WORK:

Avatar Knife:  Scaled down to human size and constructed from a piece of driftwood and leather thonging.



Manutukutuku Panel: The second one that I created from a panel that had been abandoned.  The yellow circle was secured there already and so became the sun for a very styalised version of the legend of Maui slowing down the sun.

Kowhaiwhai Panel: Based on my tattoo and my first bone carving that was given to me by my brother. (see Kowhaiwhai presentation)

OTHER WORK

• INTRODUCTION
• 3D WORK
• ILLUSTRATION
• DIGITAL



Portfolios planning and pitfalls.

INTRODUCTION TO THE INTRODUCTION:
It's the dreaded portfolio season and everyone is in a healthy state of panic as deadlines approach, paper runs out and roving gangs of critics prey on the unsuspecting. 
The following is a handout that I thought was so useful that it would save me from the terrible strain of actually coming up with something orginal for this blog.


INTRODUCTION

Your portfolio is a summation and collection of all the work you have done on the programme.  In it we well expect to see your exploration and integration of art and design skills including evidence of the following:

·         Hand and digital skills

·         Drawing as a means of expression, developing concepts, and recording observations

·         Art and design principles – 2D and 3D

·         Experimentation, development and resolution of creative work.

·         Remember that you can improve any mark you might have already received by doing more work on an exercise or workbook content for the Portfolio.

PORTFOLIO GUIDELINES:

The portfolio is a major means of assessing work for the course.  In it you represent everything you have learnt and done over the course.  We require it to be produced to as professional a level as possible.  Reprocessing (photocopy, photography – digital and normal etc) allows for both editing and representing your work allowing you to rework it.

PLANNING

·         Don’t plan to do all of your printing on the day of the hand in.  Everyone will do the same and the printer demons, who feed on the tears and frustration of students, will go to bed well fed that night.

·         If you are using an outside printer then make time for Murphys Law (what can go wrong will go wrong)  Double check everything and make certain you’re wearing clean underwear in case you get run over by a bus.

·         Resources such as digital cameras, computers, printers become very busy during this period.   Plan ahead and don’t leave the photography of your work to the last minute.  That way madness lies.

·         You don’t have to do it all on the computer.  Collaging and/or using the photocopier could be quicker and give a better result than scanning for some items.  This goes hand in hand with the above pointer of planning it out ahead of time.

·         Remember that this is an exercise in showing us your work for the whole semester in a broad sense of creativity and not your skills as a graphic designer per se – although we will be looking for evidence that you have picked up 2D layout principles so no pressure or anything.

·         Allow plenty of time for crafting the document but at the same time don’t be too laid back about the whole thing.

·         Watch for spray gluing as it is time consuming and can get messy.  Always use the workshop and make certain that it is well ventilated.  Don’t spray directly onto the workbenches, use newspaper or something similar as a spray surface.

·         Staff are happy to check the progress of your portfolio.  Use them often!  But don’t wait until the last moment before putting up your hand and sheepishly admitting that you’ve got a problem for there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

EDITING

The collection is meant to be a summation of your work.  Clearly if you put in every bit of paper that you have touched it will be huge so editing is required.

But edit carefully:

·         Do not edit into invisibility

·         Do include process drawings models etc.  Creativity is not just the finished work and at this stage of your career we are very interested in your process.

PRESENTING

·         Small can be beautiful but reducing the size of the portfolio will certainly affect your images.  Be careful when deciding about the size of your book as too small will mean that detail may be lost.

·         Three dimensional projects needs to be carefully photographed to capture both their overall form and details.

·         Beware of tricky computer graphics and manipulating your work.  While the photoshop filters might make it look funky the flip side of the coin is that you could end up rendering your image unrecognizable in terms of detail, materiality and skill level.

·         Keep everything moving in the same direction.  Choose either landscape or portrait and stick with it. (Or don’t.  Sometimes art is all about breaking the rules)

·         Put some thought into what kind of paper you’ll be using.  What will work best for the work you’re attempting to present?

·         Be careful with the text.  You don’t need to write an essay for each piece but some text will help because you won’t actually be there to present the work.  Stay away from the “I did this because…” kind of exposition – This was very difficult for me to overcome.  (Just saying)

CRAFTING

·         If you want to mount your portfolio don’t use foam board.  Because of its bulk and edge vulnerability it does not make for good mounting.

·         Painting plain cardboard, unless it has been done very carefully, looks scrappy.

·         Use a craft knife and a straight edge for all cutting.  Scissors should be avoided as should pinking shears

BINDING

·         Submissions do not need to be bound.  The could be a collection of same size boards in a folio for instance.  Binding means that you can use both sides of the page/board.  If you are using separate boards then you should only use the one side.  Being able to spread boards out to see the work as a whole can be useful. Can your separate boards be arranged to form a larger image?  Something like this would be tricky to plan but effective if you manage to pull it off.  

·         Binding means that you can use heavy weight paper rather than card.

·         Bought plastic sleeve folders are not very professional as the plastic obscures your work.   Laminating does this as well

·         Bolts, shoelaces, single ring hinged binders hunks of wood etc make poor binding unless planned for well ahead of time and done very well.

·         Your time should go into preparing and thinking about the contents rather than the container or binding.

Mounting Artwork and alternate suggestions for same

Introduction:

 

During the course of the course much of the physical work that we've handed in has been required to be mounted in some manner. 

This is something of an annoyance to we art students who have proved to be tighter than a constipated Scotsman when it comes to reaching into the wallet and coming up with the cash to buy the actual mounting boards which are a bit on the steep side wherever you shop.

Grandiose World Changing Theory: #3 Pandas

THE PROBLEMS WITH PANDAS

INTRODUCTION:

There is a saying “violence never solves anything” and it's often brought out after it's been proved wrong.  This is generally because anybody who is old enough to have the authority to say it isn't going to be present when the fight actually starts.  Ever.

It might have crossed your mind to wonder exactly why a post on wildlife conservation opens with such a strange paragraph [1]

Usually the literature from the “save the planet” people launch with some statistic or fact about humans which is meant to wake you up to the reality that humanity is very evil and takes a cartoonish delight in destroying the planet.

If you read on further about how everyone is killing everything it's easy to see that, were it not for the maxim of violence not solving anything, all the other species of the world would have banded together and put a stop to humanity long ago.

If you manage to make it through to the end the final page is devoted to letting you know that by giving them money they can help to save the Pandas.

I don't want anyone out there in the land of Internet thinking that I'm picking on Greenpeace, The World Wildlife Fund or any other such group because these organizations do an amazing job of keeping things honest.

All that being said we can't go past the fact that I grew up hearing

“Save the pandas! Save the pandas!” [2]

So why is it that 90% of the panda news is yet another story about how the zookeepers are having trouble getting the giant pandas to breed? [3]

It's easy enough to see why the panda gets so much attention.  they're cute, fluffy and have apparently been in danger of dying out since forever ago, in other words the perfect mascots.  Now that I'm older and being approached by people who are still after me to save them I think it might be time to acknowledge that what we want from the Pandas is a little bit of effort and perhaps a return on the investment. [4]

The analysis of The emperors new clothes

The analysis of:

THE EMPERORS NEW CLOTHES

 

INTRODUCTION:
Fashion.  It's a fickle thing at best and a cruel mistress at worst.  What is 'in' today is 'out tomorrow and those who devote their lives to knowing which is which soon become the shallowest of people.

Be warned fashionistas. This is what happens when you get too old to hang out at the mall.

This explains why it's a good thing tha there are some people in this crazy, mixed up world who remain defiantly unfashionable [1].   These people sacrifice time that could be spent talking about fashion trends in favour of a working knowledge of black holes, jet fighters or complex mathematical theories.

Unfortunetly I  won't be talking about them since the focus of this tale are the fashionable people and the unfortunate consequences of addiction and allowing your impulses free reign over your life.

THE STORY:

Many years ago there was an Emperor.  He'd gotten the job after seeing it advertised in the local paper but that's beside the point.  This Emperor, whom we'll call Fred, was fond of clothing.
Actually that's putting it mildly,  All of his money was spent on fashionable attire.  He didn't care about the  theatre or his armies or even hunting.  If there wasn't an opportunity to swan about in a new set of clothing then he just didn't care. 

Now In the town that was his capital city strangers arrived at the court and took away fantastic stories of the many and varied outfits that Emperor Fred would wear and it so happened that these stories eventually reached the ears of a pair of rogues who twirled their moustaches and departed at once for the court of Emperor Fred.

When they arrived everyone could see that Emperor Fred was in particularly fine form but the taller of the two men laughed about his clothing  [2]
“Who sir are you sir?” Fred demanded “and why do you laugh so?”
“I, naturally, am Hercules Gryptype Finn and this ragged pile of bent saxophones is none other than Count, Stitches, Moriaty, world underwater ironing champion and renowned lover of oysters”  [3]
“you don't know love until you've been loved by a mollusc” interrupted the Count
“Be quiet you oyster mad fool!” hissed the tall man “Forgive us Emperor Charlie but we were not laughing at you, merely the outdated clothing that you wear”
“It's Fred actually”
“Really? Perhaps Charlie will come along later”
“I don't think so, there's no Charlies in my family”
“That remains to be seen.  But to business!  For a small sum of money the count and I shall weave a cloth of the most beautiful colours and delicatly elaborate patterns.  The clothing that comes from such a cloth will remain totally invisible to the most simple of people or anybody who isn't fit for their office”
“What better way to find out what men are unfit for their positions and to be able to know the wise from the foolish” Emperor Fred thought and issued a proclimation that the two weavers were to start on the cloth right away,

So the two weavers set up their looms, spinning wheels and other impliments of destruction whilst pretending to work busily and often late into the night.  They sent out orders for silks and golden threads but it all went into their bag while the looms, spinning wheels and other impliments of destruction remained empty [4]

Time passed and with no word from the “tailors” except for more  demands for outragous amounts of cloth and assorted habberdashery supplies.  Eventually the emperor started wondering how it was all getting on but he remembered the major plot point of the magic cloth.  To whit: anyone who was a simpleton or unfit for their office would not be able to see the cloth.
Thus he hesitated unwilling to submit to the test and sent forth his wisest minister to look at the cloth and report back to him.  He justified this in his own mind by reminding all and sundry that all of his ministers were wise and clearly fit for the offices which they held, surely there would be no problem.

Of course his subjects smiled and nodded in agreement [5]

But the wise minister was shocked when he entered the chambers that the rogues has obtained to work in.  He was shocked because he was unable to see anything at all.  The tailors continued to mime sewing, cutting and looming while asking the minister all manner of questions about the fabric.
“It can't be that I'm a simpleton” the minister thought “am I then unfit for my position?”   but he said nothing of his thoughts and instead praised the workmanship and quality of the work that had already been completed, promising to give the emperor nothing but a good report of their work.

Some more time passed b and the bolts of cloth and golden thread were delivered to the pair and they all went straight into the bags of the rogue tailors.  Anybody who was sent by the emperor refused to believe that they might be unfit or some kind of simpleton and left with glowing words of praise and that small feeling of guilt that we all get when we know that somethings going wrong and nobodies saying nothing to nobody.

By this time the news of the Amazocloth [6] had spread throughout the city and the entire city was agog to see what their tax dollars were being spent on this time.  The emperor couldn't stand it any more and personaly opened the door to the tailers workroom so that he could admire the cloth

“Your excellency!” the shorter of the rogues welcomed him and waited until he sat down “how wonderful to grace us with your prescence”
“I would have been here sooner but matters of state must take precidence over the dictates of simple fashion” Emperor Fred lied badly and, like all bad liars, was visibly relieved to see how easily his lie was taken as the truth “is this the, uh, cloth then?”
“It certainly is mon emperor” the count assured him “is it not wonderful?”

The emperor blinked at gazed in wonder at the empty looms “I'm not stupid” he thought “and certainly not unfit to be emperor”  and rather than admit that he couldn't see anything he made the same decision as everyone else who had been sent to view the cloth he lied about the fantasic properties of the cloth and raved about it to his court who quickly spread word of it throughout the city.

In the fullness of time the clothes were pronounced to be finished and Emperor Fred declared that a grand procession would take place [7] so that his people might behold him in all his glory [8].
The two tailors dressed the emperor and everyone assured him that the suit was by far and away the finest thing that had ever been worn since Caveman Og had draped a mamoth skin around his shoulders.

As he strode with an air of pride through his streets all the people cheered  and called out their admiration of the cloth even though none of them could see a thing.  The emperor heard their cries and swelled with pride, none of his other clothes had ever caused so very great an impression as these.

Finally the spell was broken by a small child who sat on her fathers shoulders in the time honoured traditional seating of small children everywhere “But the Emperor has nothing on at all!”
Her father laughed at her innocence but the damage was already done and it wasn't long before the whole city was laughing at the emperor. 
Rather more accuratly they were trying not to laugh but that only made things worse and everywhere the emperor looked he could see half hidden smiles and shaking shoulders.  His attendents made an even larger show of holding his train but that only helped the rediculisness of it all.

CONCLUSIONS:

Emperor Fred:

•Did he have any real power at all?  If he's spending all his time with clothing then the running of the country is going to be in 'other hands'

  

•Why hasn't there been a revolution? If Fred is just a figurehead then there doesn't need to be. Since whoever is actually running the country is obviously doing a good job of it and as long as the emperor is allowed to swan about in fine clothes and shake the hands of poor people who, no doubt have been carefully selected, everyone seems to be getting along with no problems.

   

•Right, so he's going to be wearing a suit made of Amazocloth and wandering about the town.  Even if the stuff did what it was supposed to then it would still mean that, to a certain percentage of the city, he would still be walking around the place completely naked.  On the other hand he's the emperor and it's his city.  So if he says he's wearing clothes then he's wearing clothes.

The Tailors:

•The cloth they pinched.  It says in the story that it all went into their bags but surely the sheer bulk of the cloth is going to make getting out of town quickly and quietly very difficult.

The child:

•Now I'll accept that the child is the punchline to which this entire story has been leading up to [9]  But everyone in the city knew about Amazocloth and surely, when the nakedness was pointed out, someone would have made a remark about how the child was simple.  It might have led to a fight but that would be a more honest reaction to her words than the entire city suddenly laughing at Emperor Fred.

Misc:

•The plan to find out who was unfit for his office.  Even if the Amazocloth did what the tailors cloaimed the chances of it ferreting out any simpletons drops to 0 after he allows the pair to loudly proclaim to all and sundry the exact magical properties of the cloth.  If he were clever then he'd realise this after the disasterious procession.  But if he were clever then he wouldn't have fallen for the spiel in the first place.

•Where then are the lessons and morals of the tale for the child that is lucky enough to be read this as a bedtime story? [10]

“Don't be afraid of bucking the trend” would be a good one since it works equally well for fashion and politics and if just one person had gone to the boss and admitted that he couldn't see a thing then he'd be the laughing stock of the court right up until three minutes after the procession ends.  After that they get called into the office and rewarded for their honesty.  But since that didn't happen we can't really count it.

“When the plan goes south then get out while the gettings good” The last time we hear anything about the tailors is when they dressed Emperor Fred before the procession.  Since anyone who gets made a fool of on a citywide scale isnt going to be very happy we can safely assume that they followed their own advice and skedaddled with a capital SKE. [11]

NOTES:

1. For once I'm not talking about Goths.
2. If the story ended here then the moral would be “Never laugh at an emperor” but it doesn't so it isn't.
3. “...we're only here because someones been listening to The Goon Show again.  Where do you think he gets all his material?”
4. Given the trouble that spinning wheels have caused other stories nobody was really surprised to see that this one was given a wide berth in favor of the looms.
5. Mainly because that's what you do when the emperor speaks and especially if he gives you the right royal prompting.
6. Talk to marketing about the name
7. Presumably the route avoids the local insane asylym.   I mean it probably did anyway but there's no point in taking chances.
8. Nope, way too easy.  Insert your own joke here
9. Jokes were much longer back then due to the fact that TV hadn't been invented.  It's probably worth remembering this next time someone starts up on the good old days.
10. I mean the actual story.  I take no responibility for those who read these posts to their children although the thought does fill me with  a certain amount of quiet pride.
11. I imagine that the sequel was considered much too brutal to be released onto an unsuspecting public.

Kowhaiwhai Presentation with handout

What follows is the presentation, suitably arranged for the blog format, that I gave to the art class.  For those who don't know Kowhaiwhai panels are painted designs that are found in maraes and everywhere else in this country.

(Sorry about the quality.  All I had was a cellphone)

 The scorecard at the bottom was a handout that I've included for the sake of completeness.  Feel free to print it out and pretend that you were actually there

Art and words. Now all I need is love - any offers?

----------------------------------------------------------
Below: What happens when you play around with the Keep Calm and Carry On maker, you know, instead of knuckling down and actually some real work.

----------------------------------------------------------
Below: Following up on the Tukutuku panels from before the break (1)
Our new project is Kowhaiwhai panels.  For those not in the know these are the painted panels of red, white and black which seem to cover almost every part of this country (2)
This turned into a full page spread because, as I was mapping out the actual design and doing a few colour tests, it was discovered that I was not only using pastels but OIL pastel no less.

I decided to keep on and fill the page up with a more freehand design as well as a few smudge tests just to see what the dreaded oil pastels could actually do.

IN OTHER NEWS:
So the four assignments that we have are as follows.

• Design a poster: I was suspicious of this one from the start and it turns out that I was right to be.  The movie poster we're designing is based on the movies that we made.  In my case that's Batman which is always cool but the catch was that we not only have to do it along a theme, romance, horror, 1970's but we also have to design 20 full page spreads and then design the lettering ourselves! (3)
  
  My genre, by the way, is Romance.  A romantic Batman it boggles the mind since I'm not trying to riff on the whole "Seduction of the innocent" angle
  
• Design a prop/set/scenery from Avatar: This is the big one, before this year the movie that they used was Romeo and Juliet which nobody was very excited about (4)  But since they who must be obeyed decreed that the movie we'd be doing was going to be James Camerons Avatar I've been going out of my mind with Nerdgasms.
  
• Design storyboards: Take your film and give us proper storyboards.  So far this is easy since I've just had to take screenshots of the film and work from there.  The storyboards we used while actually filming were quickly discarded as we kept on coming up with more and more ideas.
  
  After you've gotten the storyboards draw them by hand, scan them into the computers and shade them there.  Then print them out and mount them so that everyone can see your work.
   
• Storyboards Part II: You might have thought you were finished with Storyboards after all that but now what we want you to do is take two images of your storyboards and do them in charcoal onto A1 sized paper! (5) 
  
• Kowhaiwhai Panels: Just like it says above.  They're all over the place so make some more and spread the meme!  There is something rather relaxing about doing them although that's only when you're designing the basic shape.  When you get down to those fiddly bits it turns into an exercise in frustration! (6)
  
• Photography: If you read the notes of my last posting you'd see that we covered portrait photography.  The assignment for photography is to get portraits photographs of people working.  But in an interesting contridiction they shouldn't be working because they're posing for you.  It goes without saying that if your brain melts while you're trying to figure this one out then you fail the course.

So the schedule for the immediate future is going to be work + sleep at first but as that dreaded portfolio making draws closer the schedule will undoubtably morph into work + work + "Wake up!  It's time for work!"

In a wee bit of ego stroking news I got told by the tutor for the bachelor level course that she considered several members of the class good enough to skip the level 4 certificate, which is the one that we're currently on, and go straight from level 3 onto her bachelor.

Notes:

1. It took some rushing around but the panels were eventually finished.  Then I made the mistake of talking to one of the tutors about them and to cut a long story short I found myself volunteered to finish off another panel which had been forgotten.  Moral of the story?  Don't never say nothing to nobody.
2. You might think that's a joke but I'm being deadly serious.  They've got a stranglehold on this country like some kind of artistic meme
3. I'll have to space them out quite a bit but eventually I'll upload the better ones so you can see what I'm talking about.
4. I'll spare you my Romeo and Juliet rant.  It basically boils down to
   "OMG/R+J Y Y Y? MCBTH MCH BTR"
5. Before yesterday I had never worked with Charcoal.  But judging by the amount of mess I made doing an A3 picture I'll end up looking like a black and white minstrel!
6. They're also making us each give presentations about the panels and what we're doing.  The horror!
7. 
   

Notes from the Portrait Lecture

PORTRAITURE LECTURE

• INTRODUCTION:
• What follows are the notes that I took during the small lecture that we had in the digital photography class. They have been rewritten and organized into something that resembles legibility.
  
• There is going to be alot of research in this module which is pretty much par for the course at this stage of the course (ahem).
  

The Analysis of Jack and the Beanstalk

THE ANALYSIS OF:

JACK AND THE BEANSTALK

INTRODUCTION:

This is a very well-known tale.  It's probably one of the most famous of the entire fairy tale genre.  It's got action, drama, comedy and of course, Jack.

I can understand that we're all supposed to be on Jacks side.  It's his name, after all, that's in the title and without him there is no story, he is the plucky underdog who manages to get a break.  It's just that the more you think about it the more you come to realize that here is a person who is nothing more than a conman, a thief and a killer [1] who shows no remorse.  

Ever.

Read on my audience, read on if you dare!

THE STORY:

Jack was poor; there was no getting away from the fact.  He lived with his poor old mother and their poor old cow.  Eventually the cow stopped giving milk and Jack set off to the market to sell the cow to anybody gullible enough to believe that the cow was still giving out milk by the gallon.

He never got to the market because while he was on his way he met a mysterious stranger who offered him 4 magic beans in return for the cow.

“She's a good cow” said Jack, breaking rule number 3 of fairy tale people journeying on the road to anywhere [2] “you might need to up the offer a little”

“Very well” said the mysterious stranger “five beans magic for the use of”

“Done!” said Jack handing over the rope that went around daisies neck

“You most certainly have been” replied the stranger and quickly exited before Jack had time to go “wait, what?”

Jack returned home in triumph which lasted about 5 seconds after his mother found out what he'd done.

“You fool!” she raged “oh curse me for a numpkin that I have someone like you as a son.  Only the largest of fools would sell a whole cow for five beans!”

“They are magic beans though” said Jack which proved to be the worst thing that he could have said because his mother threw the beans out the window, kicked him up the backside and sent him to bed without dinner

What happens next is fairly predictable.  The beans actually were magic and grew into a gigantic beanstalk that disappeared into the sky.  Jack, being the adventurous boy that he was, climbed up and broke through into the cloud lands.

The first thing he saw was a huge castle and decided to visit since they were neighbors now.  He knocked on the gigantic door but when nobody came to open it he noticed that the door wasn't locked and, with great effort, he was able to push it until it creaked slowly open [3]

“What are you doing?” asked the biggest woman that he'd ever seen

“I'm lost” Jack mumbled pathetically.  “May I have something to eat?”

“All right, come in quickly.  I'll give you a bowl of milk.  We've just bought a cow you know, but you'd better be quick because my husband the ogre eats children.  If you hear him coming hide at once”

“Fe fi fo fum” the ogres booming voice gave Jack enough time to hide “I smell the blood of and Englishman!” [4]

“Course you do dear” his wife said “sit down and I'll make your dinner”

Poor Jack was forced to sit under the teacup through that whole meal but little did he know that he was to be rewarded for his patience.

The ogre had treasure and he counted it each night since that's what treasure is for.  When he was alone he crept out from under the cup, saw the gold pieces on the table, filled up a bag with them and ran for the hills or, to be precise, the beanstalk.

When he got to the bottom and found his mother fretting he showed her the bag of gold and told her about his adventure.

“You see I did the right thing when I sold the cow for the magic beans” Jack said “Now we're rich”

Time went by as time is wont to do and the house was made livable, the debts were paid and truly the good times were here. 

The thing about the good times my dearios, the one thing that you've always got to remember is that they don't last.  Winter, as the wise man says, is coming and oh dear when the gold ran out Jack and his mother were in the same situation as before.

But Jack was clever enough to realize that there was a simple solution to his problem and up the beanstalk he went to make a withdrawal from the first bank of child eating ogre.

This time the boy went straight through to the kitchen and hid in the large mouse hole.

“I smell children” the ogre complained to his wife

“That'll be the black pudding”

After dinner the ogre produced a hen on the table and from the mousehole Jack watched as it laid golden eggs.  As before he fell asleep but this time the hens squawking woke him up

“Thief!” he shouted but jack was already far away and back down the beanstalk

“Is that all you stole?” his mother asked disapprovingly

“Just wait” Jack squeezed the chicken in a certain way and was rewarded with a golden egg.

With a gold egg every day Jack and his mother were once again wealthy.  The house was rebuilt into a mansion and the good times were most certainly here to stay.  But the pair never forgot those years of poverty and no traveler who needed food or shelter was ever turned away.

The story could have ended there; by all rights it should have my lovelies.  Jack and his mother are rich and have clearly mended their ways.  But 'tis oft said that money can't buy happiness and when his mother fell ill all the gold in the world couldn't put it right as you'll soon see

Jacks mother fell ill, she was tired and unable to smile at anything.  He hired doctors, wise men of renown and then other kind who just went quack.  But none could discover what her illness was.  He brought in clowns to cheer her but none of them managed to make her smile.

Finally he looked up at the beanstalk “Perhaps the ogre has something I can use” and stepped forwards to climb once again

This time there was an open window and after his dinner the ogre brought out the last and greatest of his treasures, a magic harp

When the ogre fell asleep Jack made his move and legged it back to the beanstalk with the harp in his arms

“Wake up master!” the harp called out in the key of C “I'm being half inched!” in fear she improvised a bit of a jazz riff which finally managed to wake up the ogre because if there one thing that ogres hate it's jazz.

“Shut up!” Jack told her “if you play for me you'll be happier”

“Keep telling yourself that boyo” the harp grumbled in Am “all you'll get out of me is out of tune country and western.  Not even the good country and western either”

The beanstalk was reached and descended at great speed and when Jack played the harp for his mother she became well again.  The harp played beautiful music because Jack had provided her with the one thing that every true artiste craves an audience. [5]

But Jacks still got to deal with the ogre who's now climbing down the beanstalk and, from the woodshed [6] he grabbed the axe and chopped the beanstalk down.  The ogre fell down to his death and everyone was happy, or at least everyone who mattered which, at this point was counted as everyone who was Jack and his mother.

The magical sound of the harp cured his mothers' sickness and she was once again happy and cheerful.  The hen kept on laying golden eggs and Jack's life had gone through a lot of changes since he had accepted the magic beans but without his courage and his wit he and his mother could never have found happiness [7]

CONCLUSIONS:

• Jacks Mother:

Now I'll accept that they are poor and needed money badly but I've got to say that the fact that she doesn't punish Jack for the first theft (the gold) and is actually disappointed at the result of the second (the hen) does not paint her in a very flattering light.
 
An interesting point is that there are no other families mentioned in this story and, in most of the film versions the house sits all alone miles from anywhere.  This family clearly has a very bad reputation around the community [8]

• The Beanstalk:

Not to rain on anyone’s parade but this thing reaches up to the clouds at the very least.  That means it's going to have a very wide base and we're all expected to believe that Jack chopped it down in a matter of minutes with an axe?

If you haven't chopped a tree down with an axe then I'll assure you that it's not an easy job.  A chainsaw is quicker and more fun but by giving Jack a chainsaw we'd be sacrificing believability for convenience.

The beanstalk was very tall; no problem with that, Jack climbed it, understandable.  It's just that, if he's going up high enough to get to the clouds then the oxygen level is going to very thin.  Quite aside from all the dangers associated with oxygen deprivation there is a chance that this whole adventure is nothing more than a hallucination.

• The Ogre:

We're supposed to think of him as the bad guy.  We certainly get told that he eats children which has always been ranked just below Hitler on the evil scale but really, where the proof?  What if this whole “eating children” thing is nothing more than a primitive security system that he's devised in order to protect his treasure?

• Minor points of interest:

Jacks No traveler turned away policy – Given what we now know about this family it strikes me as very suspicious.  Knock upon their door with caution weary traveler and try not to have anything they want.

The mysterious stranger - Jack got taken in by the magic bean scam but the mysterious stranger was probably looking up at the sky the next day and kicking himself because (A) he'd never realized that the beans were actually magic and (B) Daisy the cow was not a grand milker as Jack had claimed.

 Might the mysterious stranger have been the ogre in disguise?  Perhaps this is the way he captures children, if so then it's a plan that could only have been conceived after a night of naughty boy ice cream and the Scooby Doo box set [9].

The Beanstalk - So they're in possession of a magic beanstalk, presumably this is going to give them magic beans.  Wouldn't now be the time to get down to the very real bank and float a loan to keep them going until bean season starts?

FINAL THOUGHTS:

PT Barnum said it best “Never give a sucker an even break” and that's what this story is all about. 

A blind twist of fate turns jack from the sucker who got conned out of his cow for five beans into Jack the beanstalk climber who steals what he wants when he wants it.

Jack might be happy for the moment with his hen, harp and mansion but I don't think that any of it is going to hold him there for very long.  Sooner or later he'll wake up and start wondering if there isn't something better, something bigger just around the corner.  Eventually he becomes the mysterious stranger to some other wide eyed youth with a tired old cow and the cycle begins again.

But the adventures of Jack, while entertaining and, perhaps more importantly, distracting don't actually reveal the person who actually came out on top in all this.  The Ogres wife, who took Jack in the first time and then carefully didn't notice him the other times he visited.  She would have been the one to get the hen and the harp for her husband while making certain that there was an easy way in for Jack [10]

It would not surprise me in the least if there were a rather hefty insurance policy taken out on her husband and even if there weren't then she's gotten rid of the child eating millstone around her neck with no questions, no fuss and no incriminating fingers of blame being pointed at her. 

If the Ogre has family then it's going to be Jack that they'll be coming after and even if they do ask questions before swallowing it doesn't matter as Jack is nothing more than a stooge who never knew that he was working for her the whole time.

Well played Mrs Ogre.  Well played indeed.

NOTES:

1. We can argue murderer but as far as I know there are no laws against killing ogres. 
2.  Rule number 3 is “For your own safety do not talk to mysterious strangers that you happen to run into”  Rules 1 & 2 are “You do not talk about fight club” 
3. Wait.  What?  Someone tell me when this has ever been socially acceptable. 
4.  Underneath the giant teacup Jack started practicing an Irish brogue and wondering how you went about applying for citizenship. 
5.  The fact that the music room overlooked the woodshed had nothing to do with it.  You've got to keep these artistes on their toes you know. 
6.  Which comes standard on all mansions I'm sure. 
7.  Except for the fact that they didn't exactly “find” happiness.  The came out on top after targeting an ogre, taking everything he had and then killing him. 
8. What's worse is that now they're Nuevo riche 
9.  He's allowed to skip over the ones with Scrappy Doo in them.  I'm not a complete monster. 
10.  But not so easy that he get suspicious.