A - Z Challenge: A is for Ailuromancy and also for Robert Aspirin

 

is for

AILUROMANCY

List of people in the A-Z Challenge

Aaand there they go!  Almost.  My first post goes up at 1800 with the other ones coming online at 0600 over April.  Because I'm nice I'll even put them in order for you.

Good luck to all 1600 of us!

The blog lives! The blogger? Not so much

Hello.  I'm not dead and here are some words that prove it.

ITEM THE FIRST:

The art course is going great.  Last week we were told that the reason for making paper towers was so that we could get an idea of how different materials worked together [1] This week we've been informed that the big project is going to be us making a Rube Goldberg Device.

For those of you not currently in the know a Rube Goldberg is a very geeky way of making the simple complicated.  If, for instance you wanted to move an egg from point A to point B the Rube Goldberg would involve all manner of items being utilised [2]
Conceivably a marble might roll down a slope which turns a screw, which tightens a string, which lifts a gate......

......which turns on the flamethrower, which burns the house down, which infuriates the flock of giant chickens and so forth.  [3]
Seriously speaking though it should be fun.

The poster assignments were knocked off easily enough and the reward for doing such good work is "make another poster"  which seems to be a rather circular argument but what do I know?
 I'm tempted to steal a Monet and submit that but already know that if I did I'd certainly be asked why I did so.
"we needed the Monet" I'd insist "because we were baroque" [4]

I know it's a bad joke but A) it's a rule that whenever anyone discusses Monet someone has to make this joke and B) I've been working on the Alphabet Challenge postings and all my good material is tied up in alphabet related humour.

The other poster from the project.  This one was mostly done in Photoshop, mostly.

ITEM THE SECOND:

The A - Z Challenge looms over us like a giant looming thing.  I'm number 1240 since all this time I've been working hard at the posts and didn't actually remember to sign up!

But now I have done so and I've also had a bit of an epiphany.
"What all these posts need is a question at the end" I proclaimed to myself and everyone else in the library at the time "something that people can click upon and I can work into a detailed report at the end of the challenge!"

Thankfully my list of 5 separate questions about each of the posts got whittled down to a singular important question.  It is written below in white text so that those of you who don't want spoilers can rest easy and those of you who do can walk around with inscrutable looks on your faces [5]

!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!SPOILER ALERT!!!

I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE THE QUESTION AWAY JUST LIKE THAT!  

YOU'D BETTER COME BACK EVERY DAY IN APRIL JUST TO CHECK IF THE QUESTION IS THE SAME EACH TIME.

<TWIRLS MOUSTACHE> "NYA HA HA"

/END SPOILER ALERT!

NOTES:

1. It turns out that cardboard is stronger than paper!  Amazing!
2. Rather than have you exhaust yourself by simply picking the egg up and moving it.
3. If you already saw that the real joke was that Monet isn't a baroque painter then take ten points from petty cash.
4. I kid.  The flamethrower attachment is rarely used and the giant chickens don't come cheep.
5. Presumably while twirling your moustaches and going "Nya ha ha"

Tattoos and Tables (TNT? thats an explosive!)

I say, I say, I say whats all of these pictures doing here just lying about the place in a rather messy and possibly copyright violating way?

Its for two reasons actually.  The first group of images are part of a small homework (1) and the assignment was to come up with a pair of posters.  One done in Adobe Photoshop and the other done in Adobe Illustrator.
Now that I've completed the first poster I'm having a coffee and taking an official break before I tackle the second (2) I thought that I would post these here because I haven't done a proper update in ages which, I might add, totally destroys the myth of the lazy student; only to replace with evidence of the lazy blogger.  Methinks I should quit while I'm ahead.
For the record (3) Sunmoon was an attempt at a comic I did ages ago.  For these posters I've tried to get the look of a really old photocopier that's one paperjam away from the scrapheap.


The second group of images are there for an entirely different task.  Now that I am a student once again I find that my bank accounts have been filled with that lovely lucre from my last pay.  More specifically my tattoo account has finally being filled.

The outline on my arm has been looking horrible and homedone for far too long and if I can at last cover up my dragon then it will be money well spent.


I've made the apointment for Friday the 13th of April (4) at Tattoo Hades on the recomendation of one of the guards that I used to work with who had a large tribal on his arms and was forever thinking about getting a sleeve done.


I was up late enough for it to be early last night collecting images and this post is the easiest way I can think of to send them over to the artist.

Insecure Writers Support Group - Character Descriptions II

A little while ago I posted a number of character descriptions and in continuation of the theme I'd like to present you with a few more.  As before the images are all taken from Dragon Magazine online and hopefully they inspire someone out there.

 DRAMATIS PERSONAE 

The old man cut a battered figure as he moved slowly through the taverns crowd towards his accustomed spot The regulars got out of the way quickly enough, they'd seen the results of getting caught in his bad eye many times before and likely would do so many times since. It throbbed painfully but everyone knew that a scar remembered the weapon that made it, even so his seemed to be putting extra feeling into the job. “Evening Boss” for once he made no attempt to hide his educated tones that betrayed a noble ancestry unmatched by anyone else in this rat infested fleapit “Yer late” the overseer grumbled as he always did. “I had some business to take care of” His employer spun on his heal, a graceful movement for one so fat “You work for me you don't got no business less I say you do!” “You forget who I am” he kept his tone respectful “I forget nothing! It's you who forget your place” his heavy hand swung through the air but the old man caught it with a skill that hadn't been his since his youth and with a single movement he cast the overseer down amongst the rabble “The rules have changed I think” the old man settled into the comfortable chair that had served as the overseers throne and looked out upon his new kingdom.

Amputation notes

Well cometh the hour, cometh the man as they say, whenever 'they' are feeling particularly pompous. My last day at work came and went with no dramas except a power cut that activated the evacuation alarm and brought the fire service to the party which translates into more paperwork for me.

I've been cobbling together my various notes over the past week or so and now that I'm finally up to date with everything I thought that a few pages on amputation might be of use to some of the budding Sweeny Todds out there in the big wide world that is LondonTown.

The joke, of course, being that Sweeny Todd isn't ever going to stitch anyone up since it all goes into Mrs Lovetts pies

Since this affects two of my main characters, Evelyn is missing a hand and is the one to chop off the leg of  Straggletaggle the dog as it is too far gone for her to save it, I wanted to get the procedure right which led to more research (yay) of various web sites and, much to the concern of the local librarians, several medical journals of varying reputation and quality.

AMPUTATION LINKS

• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flap_(surgery)
• http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/162566.html - Amputation knife
• http://www.braceface.com/medical/Civil_War_Articles/Civil_War_amputation_procedures.htm – very useful
• http://www.reversegangrene.com/foot_gangrene_amputation_pictures.htm - Bit of an adsite but useful information none the less.
• http://www.worldwidewounds.com/2006/september/Harker/Wound-Healing-Complications-Limb-Amputation.html
• http://www.vascular.co.nz/Amputation%20surgery.htm
• http://www.horseadvice.com/horse/messages/4/53813.html
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maggot_therapy  - More for dealing with infection.  Too slow to be of use in the actual amputation.
• http://www.petplace.com/dogs/limb-amputation-in-dogs/page1.aspx - exceedingly useful

AMPUTATION NOTES:

PROCESS

1. Make an incision in the skin and peel back.
2. Scalpel to cut through muscles and tendons, further up the leg.
3. Peel back the flesh then capital bone saw which severs that leg
4. tenaculum grabs hold of artieres and blood vessels. Silk thread or horse hair used to tie them off.
5. Smooth out the end of the bone with clippers and a file, gnawing forceps
6. Left with a flap of muscle and skin that hangs down below the bone. These are sewn together to make a cushion that forms the stump.

PHYSICAL IMPACT:

1. After amputation of a foot or leg, the body weight of an amputee shifts to the other leg. The resulting wear and tear often leads to problems in the other foot or leg, and in a few years similar problems may develop, necessitating another amputation. If this degenerative process continues, the results may be fatal.
2. After an amputation, the muscles in and around the residual limb shorten. This pulls your joint into a bent position. If it is left like this for long periods of time, it will become difficult to straighten, or even become permanently stuck. Hence daily exercise is a necessity

PSYCHOLOGICAL IMPACT:

1. Losing a limb has also a negative psychological impact. It leaves amputees feeling depressed, angry, or alone. They feel that they're no longer whole persons; or fear that others stare at them, or avoid them.
2. Loss of limb can be compared to losing a spouse or a child. The first time you see your body after the surgery will be very disturbing. You may be shocked to look down and see that a part of your body is missing. The trauma is deep and multi-layered. So it is not easy to adjust to the loss.

PAIN AND RECOVERY:

1. You will have very strong pain after your amputation surgery because the surgeon has cut through skin, muscles, nerves and bone. Your limb will be swollen. Swelling can cause pain and limit movement.
2. Recovery is never a fast process. Each step is difficult: sitting up in bed, then sitting in a wheelchair, standing, then using crutches.
3. Types of pains:Besides stress, tension, and anxiety, amputees experience pains due to the loss of limb. Here are the most common types of pain:

1. Immediate post-op limb pain:where skin, nerves, bones, and muscle have been cut; it is exeperienced by everyone after an amputation.
2. Residual limb pain:Located in the natural limb (stump) after the amputation and may be present long after the surgery as the residual limb is usually more sensitive than other parts of the body. Unfortunately, there is no one method or treatment guaranteed to reduce or eliminate residual limb pain. Sometimes more surgery is necessary. Sometimes nothing will help.
3. Phantom sensation or feeling: I the amputated "phantom" limb which has been removed, such as itching, tingling, warmth, cold, pain, cramping, constriction, movement and any other imaginable sensation; it is experienced by almost all amputees.
   
   The brain is “remembering” the missing part of the limb, and is still “reporting” its feelings.
4. Phantom painIin the missing or amputated part of the limb; it varies from person to person - a little annoying, very unpleasant, severe, or disabling; it is different from pain in the residual limb and experienced by about 60–80 percent of amputees.
   
   Unfortunately, there is not one single guaranteed treatment to reduce or eliminate phantom pain. In most cases, it disappears within months, though most amputees (as many as 40 percent of them) may still experience phantom pain from time to time.
   
1. Management of post-amputation pain is a major problem and usually requires professional help; however, our understanding of the way at the brain handles pain and other sensations is still fairly crude.

Kalagrim Handwriting Class

As I promised [1]  in the previous post it's handwriting class today.

The idea of writing that spirals is one that has been part of the storyworld from the early drafts but except for noting it in a few places nobody mentioned it much.

After all why would they? Everyone in Kalagrim knows that writing spirals outwards and it's likely that they would think our own habit of writing in straight rows to be very cumbersome.

To be totally honest I'm still uncertain about what role the kind of handwriting will play but needs must as the muse drives and this is why I sometimes get notes of epic battles and at other times you get handwriting notes. [2]


Keen eyed readers will already have noted that the symbols, when used in the proper order, form a rather loose representation of the holy crocodile [3]
The big reason for this is that the church, in curious parallel with our own world, has long taken the dual posts of educators and priests.  
Also the vast amount of books written for and by members of the church means that the symbols shown have filtered down to the common folk outside the organisation.

	Much like the treble cleff in our music this symbol, known as the tail, is used to denote the start of a piece or written work.  As the writing of Kalagrim sprials outwards this symbol is often illuminated in some way that is pleasing to the eye although this is by no means a hard and fast rule. It is essentially there to take up space until there is enough room in the spiral to include the script.
This symbol is known as the fin and it's purpose is to indicate a change in subject or to highlight a particular point of interest to the reader.  The bars in the middle of the symbol are, in these modern days, used as bullet points but have their origin in the uprising as part of a secret code which is now sadly lost to the mists of time [4] that was used to indicate a concealed message in the missive.
	A curious device here it is known as the mouth and it signals the end of the conversation. However if the recipient has a reply then the new section will start with a mouth and ending with the tail. Thus giving the impression that the two are speaking to each other. The new reciever repeats the process, which adds a third crocodile to the conversation.
Our final symbol is the closed mouth of the crocodile. It's presence signifies that the conversation is over and no further discussion shall be entered into about whatever subjects have been raised in the series of letters.  Variations of this symbol have shown it being depicted with fangs, teeth, tears and dripping blood although these methods of decoration are generally the province of the very young but are occasionally used by older writers in order to indicate the current mood. It is also worth noting that, in the many books that are written and available in Kalagrim it is very common to find this symbol at the end of a chapter.

We see here an example of Kalagrim script being used in a pair of wartime letters.  Although it is written in English the actual script more closely follows the hieroglyphics of Egypt.[5]

Notes:

1. or, rather more accurately, threatened
2. With any luck I'll strike loony theory next time. It's a bit of a crapshoot really
3. A divine beast that is slated to undergo drastic changes.  I'm leaning in the direction of the Sarcosuchus or similar prehistoric beastie.
4. Also because the secret code is not going to come up in the book no matter how much the muse begs.  It's bad enough that I'm making notes about writing!
5. and I don't have any Hieroglyphic fonts handy.  For those of you who are interested the font that I used is called 1610 Cancellaresca

Harts Change - Some scribbly bits

One of the things I've always liked about working long hours is that, some nights, you get pretty much the whole shift to yourself.

This gives me time to sit down and scribble bits and pieces out, sometimes they lead to something and other times they don't.

So here's a few first drafts of things that possibly may or may not have happened at some time in Harts Change.

A Note regarding the text:

If it be writ in blue,

notes from me to me (and you)

But text in purple be,

something something explanatory

You might well wonder,

wither he goes.

and why the words are now bad prose.

You don't know and nor do I,

this might just be a waste of time.

(I have never claimed to be a poet.

So read on dear reader and have some, Moët)

IWSG: I ain't got no job singing the blues:

First Wednesday of the month don'tchaknow and that means its again time for the Insecure Writers Support Group.

It isn't much about writing this month but instead it is something that has been on my mind for a little while now.

See I quit my job this year. so that I could go on a graphics course which, don't get me wrong, I'm still super excited about but it's just that for the past five years I've been employed as a security guard and now, relatily speaking, I'm not.

There's a part of my brain that can't accept this. “You've got a good job” it pleads “you're getting older. You're not good enough, not smart enough. Not. NOT NOT”

I've been wrestling with this part of me every time I'm filling out another form and my heart was in my throat until I finally got the courage up to hand in my application.

Why? 
I think that it's less the fear of the unknown and more the part of me that's comfortable where I am. Job, real life friends, internet friends [1] all the things that a body could want in life [2]

The absolute worst case scenario is that I fail everything and wind up collecting the unemployment benefit forever but since I'm going to put everything that I have into my work on the course I am pretty certain that this isn't going to happen but there's still that little niggly naggly seed of doubt there.

I detest the unemployment benefit because its money that hasn't been earned and some people see it as a right, doing everything they can to stay on the lists for as long as they can [3] however it's a sweeping generalization to say that everyone collecting the benefit is like that because once you're in the clutches of Work and Income it can be very difficult to get out again.

Sit down and let me spin you a tale.

Once upon a time I went on my OE and returned to NZ healthy in mind and body. I signed up at the unemployment offices with bright eyes and high hopes.

“Find me a job merry receptionist” I said, and swept my hair back for effect “for I've no wish to collect the benefit and I'm motivated enough to try anything”

“That's the attitude” she smiled and handed me the job list

I went through the job list and applied for anything that I was remotely qualified for [4] and made a point of going in each day to apply for something new or to check on my applications.

Well days turned into weeks and my own pavement pounding had netted me nothing but holes in my shoes and a new understanding of the phrase “Don't call us, we'll call you” Eventually I moved into into Petone and received a new case officer who called me in for a meeting to discuss how things were going.

I didn't have a good feeling for this meeting because I'd more or less become one of the no hopers who didn't care that they don't have a job as long as they have money for whatever they need.

When the meeting came around we had a bit of a talk about this and that. I let him know about my own work seeking efforts which were, at this stage, sadly lacking and also the jobs that I had applied for over previously.

He tapped away on the computer to bring up my file.

“That's funny” his brow furrowed

“What is it?”

“You don't go by any other names do you?”

“No. None at all”

“According to this you haven't been registered with us since May of 2002. It says you cancelled your benefit because you found work?”

“Yes I'd started working at the Woolworths Supermarket. Look I've been getting the benefit regular as clockwork, what about all those jobs I applied for?”

He shook his head “I'm not seeing them anywhere in the system”

It's a testament to the power of words that I remember those words as clearly as anything. It's been 5 years and I remember them so very clearly.

I couldn't believe it, all that time and effort had been totally wasted and it felt exactly like someone had slammed a large tree branch into my chest [5]

“Well, do you have any jobs available?” I finally asked with tears in my eyes

Yes, tears, it was that much of a blow. I had been able to accept that nobody wanted to hire me but to learn that I hadn't even been on the list? Yeah, there were tears.

He retrieved my old friend the job list and I didn't even bother to look at it before handing it back.

“All of them”

“I can't just put your name forward for everything. Give it a proper read through”

“It's just that I really need a job. I'm sick of this benefit and want to work”

He tapped away at the computer again “I can get you a cleaning job at Mcdonalds”

“I have to take it”

“It's in Porirua”

“I'll take the bus”

“You haven't got a car?”

“No” I wondered if he'd listened to a thing I'd told him “I'm poor”

“Wait there” he went off and talked to a few people before returning “how do you feel about security?”

“Alot better than I do about cleaning Mcdonalds” [6]

To cut a long story short I had a quick interview over the phone and a proper one was soon scheduled.

That day I left those offices on the biggest high ever. Birds sang just for me and the sun shone down with a smile on his face. If there had been more people around we would have broken out into spontaneous choreography. I was that level of happy.

But now I'm leaving a steady job in a thriving industry to go and do what? Paint some pictures?

In part. It is a graphic design course after all and this is a field that I've wanted to explore for quite some time, I was going to do it last year but thanks to another guard quitting at the same time and the schedules suddenly being changed every week I decided to put the studies on hold until now.

I end this badly written angst fest of a post by saying that the silver lining in all of this is that the hours of the course are 0900 – 1500 monday – thursday with fridays set aside for study.

After 5 years of 12 hour shifts this is going to feel like luxury and it means that I'll still have time to do the blog! play computer games! write the book!

Look for work naturally

Notes:

1. Who are like real life friends only with more lol's it's all in the accent I understand.
2. No girlfriend, in real life or on the internet. I am le sigh
3. The technical name for this kind of person is bludger
4. As you do.
5. Which is something else that I know from experience
6. Apologies to any Mcdonalds workers who are reading this but I've put in the hard yards under the golden arches and have no desire to return.
   
   

An Award!

I got an award from a blogger who, at this point shall remain nameless. This is because with the award comes a numbered list of requirements and here at Jabberwockery we're all about doing it by the numbers.

1: 15 Bloggers:

Since I'm pretty certain that everyone I follow has already received this award or something similar I'm going to deviate from the rules, thus showing my versatility, by listing the sites that I visit regularly.  On reflection I look at way to many webcomics. [1]

1. Cracked
2. Sinfest
3. Questionable Content
4. Goblins
5. Order of the Stick
6. Erfworld
7. Not always right
8. Wasted Talent
9. Dinosaur Comics
10. XKCD
11. Sluggy Freelance
12. Lackadaisy Cats
13. Looking For Group
14. Weregeek
15. Cakehead loves Evil

2: Add the Versatile Blogger Award.

Check

3: Thank the blogger:

Cleemckenzie who writes all manner of thoughtful and interesting articles [2] at The Write Game was nice enough to include Jabberwockery in her list of blogs.  Thanks again.

4: Bits of information

1. I have a scar across my right knee from where I split it open trying to do karate kicks.  Slightly lower down is a small depression from where I gouged a large chunk out when I came off my bike.  Such things are status symbols when you're young.
2. I own a broadsword and occasionally fight with it [3]
3. If/When I go into business for myself my offices will be called Black Dog Studios.  This is a reference to my dog, Tui [4]
4. I very nearly managed to get Speak Softly Love played at my grandmothers funeral.  It is, perhaps, more commonly known as the theme from The Godfather and it is awesome [5]
5. The book I am writing is the first part in the Worldsong series.  The first book is Harts Change, the second is Harts Blood and the third is Harts War.
6. If the authorities ever got a good look at my notes folder I'm certain that I would quickly become a person of interest to them. Religious Cannibalism rubs shoulders with methods of amputation and arcane rituals.
7. I can't think of a seventh thing so I'll share my recipe for homemade ice blocks:
1. Take whole Peaches or Nectarines.  The exact type doesn't matter but stone fruit work best.
2. Put fruit in ice cream container.
3. Put ice cream container, now containing fruit, into freezer.
4. Time passes.
5. Take fruit out of both freezer and ice cream container in any order.
6. eat ice blocks. outside and with a towel to help clean up.

5: The Rules: [6]
1. In a post on your, blog, nominate 15 fellow bloggers for The Versatile Blogger Award.

2. In the same post, Add the Versatile Blogger Award.
3. In the same post, thank the blogger who nominated you in a post with a link back to their blog.
4. In the same post, share 7 completely random pieces of information about yourself.
5. In the same post, include this set of rules.
6. Inform each nominated blogger of their nomination by posting a comment on each of their blogs.

6: Inform each nominated blogger:

There is no step 6! [7]

Notes:

1. Good idea that.  Put the links that take people away from the site right at the top.
2. Naturally enough.  Otherwise she wouldn't be the VERSATILE blogger.
3. Finally!
4. Usually over who's going to do the dishes.  The roster is on the fridge for a reason people
5. Newfoundland/Ridgeback Cross.  He developed very bad arthritis in his hips and it was the first time that I, personally, made the decision to take him to the vet that last time.
6. She would have laughed about it.
7. I admit it.  I did this whole post with that joke in my head

The Everything you didn't want to know about writings Favourite Character Blogfest

Kellic Sparrowhawk.

Introduction:

This is an entry for a Blog Challenge from Everything you didn't want to know about writing. All you need to do to enter is click the link, sign up and reveal to the interworld exactly three things:

1. Who your favorite character that you've written is.
2. Why exactly they are your favourite
3. A snippet of writing so we can all go “Ooh” and “Aah and, if you're very lucky “We want to publish you. Right now!”

The dangers of Aliens and a cunning plan

As Mankind steps once more into the vastness of outer space with talk of manned missions to Mars [1] I think that it's time the collective governments of the world acknowledge two things

1. That the Voyager probe was a success and they have been in contact with several alien species for a number of years
2. That these same aliens have been monitoring the radio signals which are generally bounced off satellites.

This gives us two very important facts.

1. That the aliens are too busy sitting around watching TV to invade earth
2. That the earth has been the most coveted prize in the universe and the signals that we've sent into outer space have been the most effective propaganda campaign ever.

Hang on. I've seen those films and the only thing an alien is going to learn from them is that Humans are soft, squidgy and go well with chocolate.

Ever watched a scary movie? I mean a really, really scary one that had those bits that you just couldn't watch so you covered up your eyes until it was over. We'll have to assume that the Aliens monitoring us are doing the same thing when the Hollywood aliens start losing.

But that doesn't make sense. Not every Alien is going to cover his/her/its eyes/optical tendrils when it gets too much. Levels of scariness are pretty much relative anyway.

That's why we're pumping so much money into the movie industry. With the amount of movies and movie monsters that we've produced the odds that the alien couch potatoes have had to look away are pretty good.

This is pretty flimsy.  All right we'll say the whole “propaganda” thing has worked and Hollywood magic has stopped several alien invasions. What happens when we finally get far enough into outer space that we actually meet the aliens and they discover that the movies are only a convenient fiction?

But they won't be.

But they are. I hate to break it to you and any aliens that happen to read this but movie aliens are not real [2].  When our astronaut and cosmonauts extend the hand of friendship then all we're going to hear is the zappy zappy of laser cannons [3]

Unless. Oh no you've got a plan don't you?

I may have a contingency plan with which to protect our nauties. All we have to do is follow the Jabberwockery Survival Guide to Outer Space Encounters With Alien Lifeforms or J.S.G.O.S.E.A.L for short.

That doesn't spell anything

It doesn't have to. It's a simple three step plan guaranteed to protect the lives of everyone on the planet, off the planet and anywhere in between.

You've seriously sat down and thought about this?

You won't have that attitude when JSGOSEAL has just saved you from having your face eaten. [4]

JABBERWOCKERY SURVIVAL GUIDE TO OUTER SPACE ENCOUNTERS WITH ALIEN LIFEFORMS

STEP 1: Spaceships.

• All spaceships produced on earth will be called Nostromo, Enterprise, Defiance or Serenity.
• The official name for any earth space stations will be Babylon Five.
• All earth colonies will be referred to as Penal Colonies. Any actual penal colonies will be referred to as holiday locations [5].

STEP 2: Education.

• All incarnations of Star Trek, Babylon 5 and Firefly will be taught as fact [6] to children in schools. Holidays and events referred to in each of these series will be celebrated/mourned/acknowledged on the appropriate stellar dates [7] The odds that someone has already managed to combine the timeliness of these are pretty good.
• On graduation all students will take on the professional names of Kirk, Riker, Ripley, Janeway, Jayne, Ivanova or River Tam.

STEP 3: Preventative Measures.

• While traveling through outer space the various ships of humanity will be sending out a very important message via robopigeon to any aliens in the vicinity.

---ATTENTION ALL ALIENS STOP---

---THIS IS THE EARTH SHIP NOSTROMO---

---I HAVE ELLEN RIPLEY AND RIVER TAM ON BOARD STOP---

---SERIOUSLY GUYS DONT TRY ANYTHING WITH EARTH STOP---

---WE WILL MESS YOU UP---

---SINCERELY CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK STOP---

---[8]---

Notes:

1. and completely overlooking the fact that Tarzan has already beaten everyone there.
2. “They're not? Prepare to invade!”
   “But Sir, Doctor Who Marathon”
   “Irrelevant! Wait. Which Doctor?”
3. It's the guns that go “Pyew Pyew” Presumably NASA training covers this at some point.
4. I was bored at work. This is where most of my post ideas come from.
5. Thus giving the unsuspecting vacation aliens a very nasty surprise
6. Not Star Wars because that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.
7. Today for instance is “Captain Mal kicked a guy into the engine and it was totally cool” day.
8. You have to pay extra for a musical version. It is sung by a Johnny Cash impersonator because if we don't have the man in black then what's the point of going?

Grandiose World Changing Theory Time

I haven't done one of these since I made a modest proposal.

BUT!

A few days ago my car was very nearly involved in an encounter at an intersection.  Nobody was hurt but the other driver was in the wrong but simply sped away with his middle finger raised proudly [1]

By the time I got home I had cooled down enough to stop swearing at him and settled down for a good hard think about road safety, the vehicles that we all use and how I can make it safer for everyone. [2]

The A-Z Alphabet Challenge

Here's what I've started working on this week.  

As you may or may not already know the A-Z alphabet challenge is taking place again. You can find proper details and sign up at Tossing it out but it boils down to over the month of April the goal is to make a post on your blog each day and work your way through the alphabet. 

This year I've decided to take the precaution of actually writing a few posts ahead of time, which is to say most of them, with any luck I should only have to clear up the odd spelling mistake make a slight change here and there.

I promise that this year I will be more proactive [1] in visiting the other blogs in the challenge. I wasn't able to get around to a lot of them due to time constraints [2]

The subjects that I chose the last time around were wide ranging and some were clearly spur of the moment nonsense [3], this time around I've decided on a more organized approach to each post.

The topics themselves will still be chosen more or less at random from the various dictionaries and lists of obscure words out there in the internet but the questions that I ask will be the same on each one.

The new questions:

1. What is it?
   Clearly a few paragraphs describing it can only ever be a good thing [4]
2. Where do you get it?
   The howtos and wherefores of obtaining one for yourself. The exact whys are left for yourself to answer,
3. Using it in real life:
   It's all very well having one but what do you do with it and is it supposed to be that shade of blue?
4. Using it in writing:
   Sometimes I pretend to be a writer, it's like being an author only the pay isn't as good.  Nevertheless I'll jot down a few ways that the subject of the day might be used in a story.

What has been left in from last year?

• I'll be keeping the jokes and also the actual useful stuff, for people who like that sort of thing.
• Footnotes that can only be seen by really cool people.
• Obscure references that require you to have an extensive repertoire of knowledge before you can even hope to get the joke.
• Homages, dedications and a lot of other fancy words that boil down to mean “shamelessly stolen from Monty Python”
• Shameless plugs for Harts Change
• Singing, Music and a fun time to be had by all.[6]

PART TWO:

Not content with finding strange words and terms to overanalyise.  [7] I'll also present a few words about an author and their work.

Notes:

1. Also to lower taxes. Naturally these promises will be forgotten once I'm actually elected
2. Roughly translated this means that there were so many blogs and I needed to sleep and go to work at some point.
3. But they do say to write what you know
4. and an indication that I won't be doing anything from Lovecraft since half of his bestiary are indescribable horrors. That is, if you don't count the fact that by labelling them as indescribable you have, in fact, just described them. Oh Cthulhu Fhtagn!
5. Oh by the way I'm writing a book. I might have mentioned it once or twice.
6. Ve vill know if you are not havink enof fun. Ve vill be vatching you expecially.
7. Also because I finished the first couple of articles and they were a little lacking in length.