Day the Eightth

Let all men who go to don armor tomorrow remember to go before they don armor tomorrow.

H is for House.

As in The Boarding House where I currently reside it periodically sees new tenants. The latest recruits get drunk and have screaming matches or get stoned and have screaming matches [1]

 The two Indian boys: I can not decide whether they are gay or just very cheap because they both live in the same tiny room [2] passed by my window recently with a case of Rhinecks [3]. Still they are very quiet which means they are probably drinking the box and then crying themselves to sleep because they aren't able to get stuff that actually has an alcohol content.

The Cosmic Cowboy: Anything that you can name he'll believe in it and have a story of personal experience about it, ANYTHING. Personally I think he's got a huge screw loose and it's letting all the bats out.
If something gets done around the house he automatically disapproves of it, landlord or tennant it doesn't matter unless of course it is something that is done by him.

Now for some reason that nobody has ever been able to figure  out steals loading pallets from around the area, drags them up to his little hut at the back of the property and is in the middle of building himself a little pallet fortress presumably it is so that he can look out of it and disapprove of what everyone else in the house are doing. [4]
We don't have much to do with each other, mainly because I work nights and he works days, but just before Christmas he told me that he was going to buy two pigs off the Internet and incidently did I know how to kill a pig?
“No. I've never killed a pig in my life” [5] I told him “do you?”

“No I've got a friend who does” he replied confidently
“Then why was he asking me?” I thought “does this friend know how to properly bone and gut Mr Piggy? I know that it isn't as easy as it looks. More importantly does this friend of his actually live in the real world or is he channeled in on some kind of astral bus service?”
“What I am thinking” Jim had continued while I was thinking “is that I will do one pig for the house [6] and the other one will be for me and we will put down the hangi”
“Do you actually know how to put down a hangi?”
 “What's to know? You dig a hole and put food inside” [8]
At that point I walked away saying "you're going to be one sad little boy on christmas"

 For those of you in Internetland who do not know a Hangi is very delicious and there is only one way to prepare it properly.

How to make a proper hangi
 Step 1 - Buy beer, the more the better [9] but you don't want to attempt this without beer. You can substitute this with Wine if your feeling fancy but beer gives you better results
 Step 2 - Put the beer into the car. Note: have a quick one now just to make certain that it hasn't gone off.
 Step 3 - Drive around until you find a party happening or even a happening party
 Step 4 - Listen for the sounds of people digging, have a few more beers. If you can't hear any digging or talk about the Hangi then find another party.
 Step 5 - Once you have located the correct party open a beer.
 Step 6 - Ease your way into a conversation. be forgettably memorable
 Step 7 - Maintain the illusion. If anyone asks who you are say that you are Steves mate from work. [10]
 Step 8 - The Hangi is served! Tuck in

1. I always thought pot was supposed to make you mellow. perhaps they should get a new dealer.
2.  Stretch out your arms. Now take one step to the left, that's how wide their room is. apparently that it used to be a laundry room until the landlord realized that there were people prepared to pay to live there.
3.  Which lends weight to the very cheap theory.
4.    My own theory is that he's waiting for the day when he has enough pallets and then he's going to annex Poland
5.  And hope that I never have to. Major case of bad Karma
6.  "but not for the people in the house that I don't like" this was implied but not stated
7.  I swear that this is a direct quote
8. As long as it isn't Rhineck
9. Because there's always a Steve, Dave, Mike or Kev at any party

Day the seventhth

Personally I thought you were the least convincing female impressionist since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick, but I'm clearly in a minority.

G is for Goths.

I like Goths.  Way back when I did the night shift at the supermarket they were the one slice of colour in the shift, of course the irony of this was usually lost amongst their many piercings.  But as difficult as it may be to believe there are times when being decked out in gothic regalia isn't such a good thing and tonight dear listeners I present a cautionary tale of just one of those times.
I was in the city just minding my own business when I first saw them coming down the street. I'll just break from the narrative at this point to say that it was a stinking hot day and anyone with any sense was out of the midday sun. I would have been as well but you know what they say about mad dogs and Englishmen, well you can add kiwis to that list as well.
Anyway the group of four were wearing so much black that I thought it was a quartet of ninja at first and then dismissed the idea as silly because what kind of ninja allows himself to be seen?

Magnificent was the only word to describe their leader. He was very tall and and his shoulder length hair made him look not unlike Slash of Guns and Roses fame.

On every finger he wore a ring but not just any ring would do. his finger ornamentation of choice were a 3 piece series of rings solely designed to give him heavy talons on his hands
 He wore tight black jeans and heavy boots that came up to his knees but the piece de resistance was a great coat which he had bought over the Internet from Ravenswood Leathers and for some reason he had it tightly buttoned up. [1]

Heads turned ladies and gentlemen. heads turned as he walked down the street on that boiling hot day and while nobody laughed outright I knew there were plenty of snigger's and he knew it too because that red face turned redder and redder as he concentrated on ignoring people and just being the best damn goth he could be.

I salute you unknown goth and call me if you ever want to sell that coat.

1: I knew where he'd gotten it from because I had spent a long time wanting it but being too gosh darn poor to buy it 

Day the Sixthth

Thanks, Bridesmaid. Like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to.

F is for "Fix my computer Damn it!"

Only a quick post today since I've been working all night.  I'm glad this happened because I was struggling to think of something to do for F.





So I got to talking about computers with another guard.  He wanted something to happen but not being a technical person he didn't know the name of it

"What do you call it when you get something from the Internet?"
"Downloading?"
“No not that. I mean like movies and music from the net”
“Oh that. I call it Internet piracy”


Perhaps it was only in my imagination that his laughter sounded forced but we eventually arrived on the subject of what he really wanted. He would bring his computer in and, while I was at work I would fix it [1]

That would be great except for one thing, I work for a security company and we monitor alarms, do noise control liaise with police, Tow things, keep in contact with clients and  all the guards on their  static sites and tell the mobile drivers where to go [2]
Some nights I have come in at 18:00 and by the time I was able to look at the clock it was 02:00.

Now this guard wasn't able to tell me what was wrong with his computer but he perked right up when I let him know that there was a sure fire cure for any problems he was having.

1. Step the first was C:\format C:
2. Step the second involved a Linux install disk.

“This will take care of my computer?”

"I guarantee it" I replied with the kind of honesty that lets people sell dodgy used cars  "after this you'll have no more problems with Windows at all"

Alas! my cunning plan was foiled by the guy talking to another guard about my cureall solution and subsuquently finding out that following my advice wasn't going to help things at all. [3]

1: For free by the way
2: and they get lost!  GPS in the car, I'm on the phone giving detailed instructions and they still don't know where to go!
3: No surprises there

Day the fifthth

Never Fear!  I have a cunning plan which can not possibly fail

Is for Ear worm.

 This is the technical term for a tune that is stuck in your head. It comes from the German, Ohrwurm, which means that if I can't think of a subject for O then I'll repeat this one in German.
I suffered from it the other day and got to thinking about it. For the record the song was the theme from True Blood. (Bad Things - Jace Everitt)
From what I've been able to deduce it is the first few seconds and the last few seconds of the song which are the important ones, because if they end the same or close ie: C D C A ...(rest of the song)... C D C A then the chances of getting the tune stuck in your head is increased by quite a large margin.

 This is because while you are consciously aware that the song has finished your brain is registers the C D C A and says to itself "Ah, the last time I heard this combination of notes that song was starting so I must be listening to it again" so the brain goes through the motions of listening to the non existent song until it comes to the end of the song again whereupon it begins the whole process again unto infinity.
 The good news is that there is a way to counter the brain skip [1]. All you need to keep another song in the back of your mind and bring it to the front when you catch yourself repeating the song in your head. I always like to listen to The Time Warp because it's a catchy tune that everybody knows and if you accidentally start singing it out loud then there's a better than average chance that anyone who hears it will start singing along[2]

 This is purely my own research but I won't be surprised if the boffins that are looking into this thing prove me right.
Ever get a tune in your head? how long did it last?

[1] It's called a mind enema
[2] Not when you're been interviewed for a job they wont.

Day the Fourth

D is for Domination.



Not the sexy kind, which means that this article just got a lot less interesting, or even the universal kind, which needs a much bigger budget and more minions.  The domination I'm going to write about is purely and simply Global Domination of the the planet earth which is a quite achievable goal for a dedicated mastermind and a well trained team of henchmen [1]

Please note that this blog doesn't contain tips on taking over the world and it will not reveal my secret plans [2] but quite frankly if you are reading blogs to get ideas on how to conquer the world then perhaps global domination might not be your thing.  Now, according to a friend of mine who is completely non imaginary the world is controlled by a secret shadow cabinet and it is they who are responsible for everything in the entire world. Of course we can't do anything about it or the men in black arrive and we soon find ourselves staring into the blinking light of a flashy thing.[3]

Now like many people I've got a theory [4] like many others except where they shout with confidence that the world is being controlled by mysterious group X or look smug because they know that they are in Group Y and it is they who really control the world [4] I keep it to myself and look smug for reasons of my own
No my theory about this whole world controlling organization is elegant in it's simplicity.

• There are four people in the world.
• These people are in charge of four departments.
• Technology, Socialization, Agriculture and Industry. 
• They do not know that they are in charge of the the world..

I'll just repeat that, they do not know that they are in charge.

Q1 How does it work?
It works on the uncertainty principle [5] as long as they potter along taking care of whatever business comes up everything will be fine but if you introduce an element of doubt into the group they will begin to question their decisions and the decisions of the people around them.
“Were we really in charge? Or was someone in my group receiving different orders from the people above us? What if I'm just a scapegoat? What if all I am is just another brick in the wall?”
Generally around this time their brain melts and some other mysterious group ends up sitting in the big boy chair, "controlling the world"

Q2 But they wield massive amounts of power.
Yes, yes they do and there is no question that if someone gets in their way then that persons life will quickly be made a living heck.  In that aspect they do control quite a lot,  But here's the thing. They don't control the world, all they have is the power, which ultimately derives from the people and the illusion of control over humans.  If they truly controlled the world then there would be no need to skulk around in the shadows would there? The world is bigger than humanity

Conclusion.
Who then is in control of the world? It certainly isn't any of the TLA organizations no matter what they think. The simple fact Humanity, is that it is we are the masters of our own fates. To blame the latest scapegoat because group Z are in charge of the world/taking all the jobs, women and/or alcohol is pure laziness on us as a species.
We've got to grow up and stop whining about how everything that goes on is their fault. If we can do this then we'll have made an important collective step forward in our social evolution and be that much closer to a flying car in every garage, or hanger as the case may be.

1:And, as has been pointed out a sidekick but be careful to pick a good one because the bumbling ones will always ruin everything.
1: not that there are any secret plans. Nope not a single plan here secret or otherwise is hidden in the false brick under the fireplace. Damn! Just forget you read that ok? ok.
2: But on the plus side you get to meet Will Smith. So, you know, silver lining.
3: That it's a demon, a dancing demon, no something isn't right there.
4: We're watching you Mickey Mouse Club
5: Something I've stolen from somewhere else but am now claiming as my own. Viva La Piracy!

PS Children of the Revolution is now called Harts Change. Just an FYI

Day the Threeth

Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in

 

C is for Children of the Revolution.

It is said that everybody has one novel in them and this is mine.
The publication of this masterwork proceeds at what can only be called a hobbyists pace which is equal to three and a half of the more energetic kind of snails. Although it is slowly coming together there are some days when it seems that every idea I have requires me to rewrite the whole thing from scratch.

I've also heard through the grapevine that the muse assigned to my  case is very overloaded and is apparantly infamous for being distracted by the shiny wings of the Fresh Idea Fairies which leads to plot twists like "She was in love with him and...Hey! What if they were werewolves? But in reverse. OMG! Double reverse vampires!" [1]

 But the book itself is going to be an epic story, told over at least three volumes, of love lost, love found and war!  All of it set against the backdrop of a world gone mad! I mention this because one day you might be in a book shop and when the   assistant asks if he can help you and you say
"What I'm looking for is a tale of love lost and found during a war. Oh and it needs to be set against the backdrop of a world gone mad" Then he might just say
"We've got just the thing" and hand over a copy of my book[2]


[1] I've seen the invoices and I know that I was the one that was supposed to get the sparkly vampire idea.  Darn you Stephenie Meyers!  Darn you to heck!
[2] Children of the Revolution is only the working title of this project, the actual name of the book changes so often that entries D-Z will consist solely of new names for the damned thing.

Day the Twoth

A small buzzing thing

B is for Books

It's a fairly obvious choice I know.  I could have mixed it up a little and done B is for Boron but then I would have had to do actual research and that's just boring. [1]

But anyway, on with the topic at hand:
I love reading and always have and always will, like many other people I have a list of favourite books but that isn't what I'm going to talk about.  The following list are books that are banned, yes, banned from my house.

1. Butterfly: There's an exclusive brothel for women called butterfly and as you read it you think "oh this is just a sex book" but that is where you are oh so very wrong.  This is a tale of revenge! The twist floors me every time I read it.
2. Ottoman by Alan Savage: The Hawkwood family arrive in Constantinople [2] and become firm favourites of the rulers  Quickly rising in popularity the book tracks four generations of the family as they undergo the pressures of life, love, politics, war, truth and betrayal.
3. Lord of the Rings: I can't write anything about Tolkien that people haven't before.  Its great, he's great, go and read the books already!
4.  The Godfather.  Mario Puzo:  I found the book in a second hand shop and bought it because it was $2 and I needed something to read while the parents drove the car.  I read the book everywhere and it led to mum and dad receiving a call from a school librarian who was rather concerned that I might get some ideas.
   "You mean he might want to write books?" Dad asked
   "No he might want to join a gang"
   "All right I'll talk to him" he hung up the phone and looked at me "do you want to join a gang?"
   "No way dad.  Gangs are for losers"
   "That's all right then"
   "I wanna join the mafia!"

Now you might be wondering exactly why it is, if I love these books so much, why are they banned from the house?  The simple answer is that it IS because I love these books so much.  I can not go past them without picking them up and reading them from cover to cover.

[1] Anyone who talks about Boron is legally obligated to make this pun.  
[2] Or perhaps Istanbul 

Day the oneth

Impersonal pronoun.  Doesn't really mean anything.

Armor
So I've been learning the art of swordplay with The Falcons[1]. Our local medieval group and if it weren't for my job taking up all my time I would be much better at it. My armor is slowly coming together with a Gambeson being my next purchase. The main problem I've found with actually getting the armor together is that despite everything I have yet to nail down a time period with which to base my costume on.
I have a 15th century Italian bastard sword[2] but every time I see a picture of someone back in the day and say "Right. that's the one!" I'll invariably see something a little later that makes me go "well damn I want to be one of them"

I will be buying my Gambeson my sewing skills are quite atrocious.

When I joined this group one thing I noticed was that everyone had a nickname. Finally I thought a chance to be known by something really cool! but life has a funny way of working and because I chose to see a movie before going to training one night it would seem that I am now forever known as The Time Travelers Wife.

In my defense I thought that it was a sci fi movie because it had "Time Traveler" in it. I also wasn't going to walk out on it because I saw it at the really posh cinemas where you can actually sit down on a very comfy couch.
As for my opinion of the movie? It was pretty weak, if I found myself jumping from time to time in a seemingly random fashion I would have the foresight to scribble down the date and the lottery numbers on the back of my hand and this would be a regular thing. Thus by the time I meet the titular wife I will be a multi multi multi millionaire[3]



[1] Its cheaper than therapy
[2] that needs a good cleaning
[3] presumably I will also be living on an island fortress with an army of minions. Just because.

A - Z in april

So Here I am coming in almost a week after everyone else has started but thats fine.  I'll do A to E now and get caught up.
Alturnativly I might just count today as the first and if anyone asks I'll claim that my calander is right and every other calander on earth is wrong.

I don't want to make these my usual posts which of course break down various boundries and poke holes in the fabric of the universe so I hereby resolve the following.

1. Each post will be 100% truth,  It might be a funny story or it might be a tale of woe but it will have happened
2. Notes will be included for those of a scholarly nature.  If you can not see the notes then you may not be wise enough.
3. The drumming sound you can hear is me trying to think of a topic.

Mammoths and their problems or A setback of the heart is one floor above you

Introduction: 

Every so often the newspapers run a story about a fossilized mammoth from the dawn of time that has been discovered by a man walking their dog along the beach in some place a thousand miles from anywhere. [1] As the teams of paleontologists and scientists fight for who gets the honor of keeping the body the only question that the media seems to ask is
 

“Would it be possible to get DNA from the corpsicle and grow an actual mammoth?”  

The stock answer that the scientists give out is usually enough for a 3 column filler and boils down to
 

“Yes, it's possible but we're not going to do it since that isn't what the focus of our study is about. Also its a stupid idea brought about by watching too many monster movies” [2]  

Problems:

• It won't be a genuine mammoth:
  The current leading theory on how to bring back the mammoth is to combine the DNA of a mammoth with that of an elephant, standing back and waiting for the resulting bastard child of mad science to be born.  If we can put aside the problem of obtaining the female elephant itself and assume that it has been stolen from a traveling circus in a plan that would rival Batman villains in its sheer complexity.  The fact that any offspiring it has is not going to be a real mammoth, at best it will be a crossbreed of elephant and mammoth and at worst its going to be a misshapen freak that should never have been allowed to step foot in this world [3]
  

• The world has moved on:
  The modern world is a completely different place from the world in which the mammoth ruled. The global temperature is considerably higher, our wide open spaces are considerably less and even our air is noticeably thinner.  In order for the mammoth to survive in our world there would need to be  several changes made on the genetic level which would only serve to keep it firmly in the “not a genuine mamoth” problem.
  

• Nothing more to learn:
  Although it rubs against the fabric of the human condition which states that there is always something to learn, on the subject of mammoths I suggest that there is nothing of significance to be learnt by bringing a mammoth back from extinction.  
  The resurrected mammoth isn't going to be able to tell us about life back then because it was born in a lab and this is the only world that it knows.  If it is released into the wild so that scientists can track its movements it will be reacting to stimulus from the modern world rather than following the ones that would have confronted it during the ice age.

But perhaps it happens:
Perhaps a particular group of scientists have disregarded the argument of “Its a stupid idea” and with the type of luck that only occurs after you've taken a dozen leprechauns, minced them up finely, put it all in the blender and drank it down with a pint of four leaf clover [4] they have managed to find a viable sample of Mammoth DNA and also several early editions of Massive Mammoth Mammaries Monthly which would suggest that this either a juvenile or an older but solitary adult.

Perhaps, on a dark and stormy night, the elephant is impregnated with the mammoth DNA while the scientists army of henchmen keep the heroes, whether the costumed variety or a cop and reporter who have discovered what is going on and, despite their differences, have teamed up out of necessity.  Time passes, the would be heroes are defeated and the bastard offspring of science and prehistory is brought into world.  His woolly coat grows in quickly and he is speaking in complete sentences within three monthes because, lets face it, no scientist who is prepared to undergo such an insane scheme is going to miss the chance to play with million year old building blocks.

Eventually the Mammoth [5] is presented to the world and everyone goes wild. The scientists is validated and honored by his peers [6],  reviled by the church who see only that he has tampered with the divine plan and held in awe by the common man who pay quite a lot to see the talking mammoth.

For a while.

As an organism humanity is one that lives very much in the now and as fascinating as a talking mammoth is eventually people are going to stop coming and its upkeep is going to start eating into the scientists finances. Eventually the money dries up, the world famous talking mammoth is sold to a circus and the mad scientist gets to work on his next project which will involve replacing the leaders of the world with monkeys and seeing who notices the difference.

Conclusion:

Obviously the situation at the labs is dire. The arguments between the scientist and the Mammoth have gotten worse and although none of the minions are brave enough to say anything everyone knows that it is only a matter of time. Sure enough the Mammoth, loath to continue working as a performing monkey [7] leaves the laboratory intent on making his own way in the world.

Realistically [8] He now has three career choices open to him

• Impersonation:
   If the mammoth decides to stick it out amongst the press of humanity he could get a job doing impressions of Mr. Snuffleupagus of Sesame Street fame.  Although he would start out solely as children's entertainment it wouldn't be long before he gained a degree a correspondence course and began to tackle corporate presentations. His furry shape would be dismissed as “just a costume” and the fact that nobody saw him out of it would
   easily be explained away as “dedication to the craft”[9]

• Adaption:
   If the mammoth decides that he has had enough of the fickle nature of humanity then he could retire to the steamy jungles of the Congo, working under the reasoning that it is the last place that anyone would look for a woolly mammoth,  His thick coat will give him a natural advantage when he lives out his life in disguise as an orangutan [10]
  At first swinging through the trees might present the mammoth with a problem but it is a skill that can be learned in time and any poachers that enter the jungle are going to leave it swearing blind that the biggest
   orangutan in the world took away their guns and gave them a long lecture about evils of hunting protected species [11].

• Enforcement:
  Perhaps the mammoth finds his purpose in life in the field of law enforcement, he would start off at the bottom, assuming the identity of a very shaggy police dog with his secret known to only a select few.
  Eventually his secret would leek out but the police, being very closemouthed about such things would not talk about it [12].
   As he continues to be awarded for his fine work in the community the suggestion is made that if the mammoth were to lay very still then he could go undercover as very thick shag carpeting right in the offices of Mr Big.
   This would give the police an unbeatable edge in the fight against crime [13].

Notes:

1. If the iceberg melts and the mammoth is then seen rampaging across the countryside only to be brought down by a ragtag team of experts and their dog then you can relax, its only a movie.  If it is destroying Tokyo then the team of experts and their dog will be replaced by Godzilla.

2. The rest of the statement is generally ignored, once the scientist has said “Yes it is” then the papers will give out a headline of “MAMMOTH TO BE RESURRECTED SAYS TOP SCIENTIST”

3. While the thefts of the elephant would make headlines in both universes the biggest difference is that in the Batman universe he would put the clues together and reveal the plan to the world while fighting off several hybrid mammoth henchmen.  Meanwhile in “the real world” someone running round in a Batman suit ranting about scientists attempting to bring mammoths back to life would be quickly detained and placed in a padded cell with a straitjacket of their very own.

4. For those that are willing to search, the exact recipe is freely available on the Internet.

5. For want of a better word.

6. Who called him mad.  Mad!

7. His words.

8. Heh.

9. Humans are masters of explaining away things that make no sense.  For an example consider Democracy (Boom Boom)

10. Natural advantage compared to the number of ordinary gray elephants that are attempting to escape hunters, ex wives and the IRS.

11. He was probably wearing a cape and cowl as well.

12. Reasoning that he might be a mammoth but he's also a damn fine cop.

13. Because nobody wants to be the one that tells Mr Big that “the carpet is listening to them” the day after all his drug plants got raided.

The analysis of Red Riding Hood and or The wolves catered dinner

INTRODUCTION:

 

You probably think you know this story. It is one of the oldest stories of mankind, of course we have adapted it but I wouldn't be surprised if our caveman ancestors weren't telling their kids about how the big bad Grok came after little Oogra (1)

THE STORY:

Little Red Riding Hood, so called because she is little and wears a red riding hood (2), is given a basket of food by her mother and the task of taking it to her Grandma who lives by herself and is not feeling well.

She cautions Red not to stray from the path or talk to strangers which is fair enough.

Rather predictably it isn't long before she strays from the path. Sometimes to pick berries other times to chase butterflies. it depends which version you read but the important thing is that it is here that she meets up with Bigbad the Wolf (3)

Bigbad cleverly finds out whats in the basket, by asking her and also where she is going, again by asking her (4)

It runs ahead to grandmas house and gets her to open the door by pretending to be Little Red, he then eats the grandmother whole (5) Not content with one human, it is, after all, the BIG bad wolf it gets dressed in grandmas nightclothes and gets into bed (6)

When Red arrives Bigbad calls to her to come into the bedroom and Red does the whole “Oh grandma what big eyes, ears, etc you have”
Finally she mentions the teeth and Bigbad, not being one to pass up a straight line like that says “all the better to eat you with”

Now in some versions you'll hear the woodsman enters at that time, for no apparent reason other than obeying the narrative. In older versions the wolf eats Red (7) and goes to sleep which is understandable, he's just had a very heavy meal after all.

It is while the wolf is sleeping that the woodsman, who has been hunting the wolf, stops off at Grandmas house to see if he can have something to drink. he finds the wolf sleeping and kills him and after opening up the wolfs stomach (8) both Red and Grandma pop out

POINTS TO PONDER:

•  Exactly why does "Grandma" live by herself in the woods?  The obvious answer is a witch! (9) but she may be one of the good ones since Reds mother is sending her a care package when she is ill.

• What are the mothers motives?She sends her daughter through a wolf infested forest with a big bag of goodies and the only precaution she takes is "Don't stray from the path?"  Was it too much effort to pin a ham to Red and scream "Victim here!  Victim here!" Something doesn't add up here and I would not be surprised to discover that someone was angling for an insurance payout (10)

• Why doesn't Red lie?When the wolf is asking all these questions about Grandma why didn't it occur to Red to say “I'm going to visit my good and dear friend WolfyChopchop the Woodsman, don't people have such quaint names around here?” The wolf would then think “Ahh, I might actually leave this one alone and go hunt butterflies instead”
   
• How slowly are Red and Grandma being digested?The wolf has time to eat Grandma whole, eat Red whole and drift off to sleep. Surely the gastric juices would have started on the pair in his belly. I don't know, maybe they were wearing HAZMAT suits the whole time. 

• What would the wolf have done if Red hadn't mentioned what big teeth grandma had?
  More than likely he was sitting on “all the better to eat you with” as soon as Red started going on and on about how big his eyes were and how sharp his nails have gotten. So he probably would have kept hinting at things until she mentioned teeth. Considering the differences between a wolf and Grandma I think Red could have kept him occupied just a little longer.

CONCLUSION:

If we can accept that Bigbad is a metaphor for a those who prey on children then we must ask ourselves why didn't the wolf eat Red when he encountered her on the road? The best time would have been after the big info dump of where Grandma lives, Does she live alone? Are there any ways into the house besides the door?
Perhaps he didn't eat her because through his actions of posing as Grandma Bigbad lets us know that predators can come from all around us, even in our own families (11)

The moral of this story is supposed to be don't talk to strangers (12) but I think that perhaps it should be “If a giant talking wolf pretends to be your granddaughter ask it a few family questions before opening the door(13)”

WHAT BIG NOTES YOU HAVE GRANDMA:

1. And then she hit him with a club. Caveman stories lack much of the subtlety of our modern versions.
2. and yet she walks through the woods to grandmas house
3. dun Dun DUN
4. At this point, were I the wolf I would seriously question my desire to eat someone so very stupid
5. As wolves so often do
6. The perfect disguise indeed
7. And there was much rejoicing
8. For reasons of his own that I am not paid enough to speculate on.
9. She weighs the same as a duck and is therefore the envy of fat housewives everywhere.
10. Is it wrong to trust the mother less than I trust the wolf?
12. Certainly not when they're wolves
13. At least pretend to make an effort and look out the window.

The tale of Snow White or How I learned to stop worrying and love the dwarves

An investigation of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs[1]

Introduction:

I've a chilling question for you out there in the wilds of the Internet.  What if you were pretty?  So pretty as to be called beautiful?  In fact what if you were, the fairest in the land? The star of tonights story is afflicted with unwholesome fairness and this attracts exactly the wrong kind of attention.

The Story:
Snow white is the tale of a princess who has an evil stepmother. The stepmother asks a magic mirror who the most beautiful person in the land is and when the mirror says that it is Snow White [2]  the queen orders a servant to kill her.
The servant takes her into the woods but can't bring himself to kill Snow White and depending on which version it's because she is so beautiful or simply that his courage fails him.
Snow White eventually comes across the house of the seven dwarfs and breaks in[3] being kindly fellows they agree to take her in and for a time all is well.

Meanwhile, back at the castle, the servant has brought the evil stepmother the heart of a deer and she takes it believing it to be Snow Whites. The illusion is quickly shattered when she asks the magic mirror who the fairest in the land is and the mirror not only tells her that is still Snow White but also that she's in the forest living with the dwarfs.
The stepmother wastes no time in disguising herself as an old peasant woman and bringing the famous poisoned apple to Snow White. The apple is eaten and she falls down dead. The evil Stepmother goes home[4] and everyone is happy, except for the dwarfs[5] who build a coffin of crystal to hold the body

Enter the prince! The dwarfs find him by the coffin one day and they give him the lowdown re Snow White, evil stepmother, poisoned apple et al. He kisses her and brings her back to life with the power of magic [6].
The children who hear this as a bedtime story probably shouldn't know about necrophilia until they are a little older.

Naturally it is love [7] at first sight and the pair go back to his castle, leaving the dwarfs alone in the forest again.

Questions:
So after having read all this here is the part that I don't get. Snow White is a princess and to be a princess at least one of your parents needs to be royalty. It can't have been the Evil Stepmother because she doesn't have time to run a kingdom, what with looking in mirrors and killing the pretty people all day. By process of elimination then her father must have been the king.

• Where is the king while everything is going down?
  Is he so disinterested in his daughter that he isn't concerned enough to note that a princess of the realm is being forced to do servants work [8]
  Assuming, of course, that he is even there and given the fact that his wife is free to kill anyone that is prettier than her it's a good bet that he's left her in charge while he goes off to fight the Unicorn People.
  

• Why does the stepmother take such a roundabout way of getting rid of her problem? [9]
  Right off the top of my head I can think of several ways to dispatch Snow White without leaving any evidence[10]
  • Push her down a well. Easy enough to arrange and when the body is eventually discovered I would be suitably sad for an appropriate amount of time.
  • Stab her in the back when nobodies looking. This gives the added pleasure of dealing with my problems myself and also gives the royal guardsmen the opportunity to run around hunting for “the killer”[11]
  • Hire a professional. Rather than taking the cheap way out and having the servant and potential witness take her out into the woods and kill Snow White I will hire a professional assassin to do the job quickly and quietly. I will not attempt to kill him once he's done the job because pissing off assassins is never a smart thing to do. However to be on the safe side I will request that he remove the head and place it on a spike so that everyone can see that I am the prettiest.
  • Character assassination. So I've just found out that Snow White, an unmarried girl, is living with seven dwarfs, also unmarried [12]. Rather than muck around with apples and disguises I arrange a formal tea party with the biggest gossips in the castle where we talk about this, that and the other, after a while any reputation that Snow White had will be completely destroyed.
    
    I'll admit that this may not be as satisfying as murdering her viciously in the middle of the night but there is no body to dispose of and if anyone ever finds out what I've done the worst they can do is say “You're a meanie”[13]
    
    
• Of course this all presumes that I care about getting caught. I could easily just stab her in the face over and over while the court looks on and I dance in her blood screaming “Who's the prettiest now bitch!”
  Really what are the court going to do about it? I'm the queen and going to stay that way, anyone who protests will be rounded up by my guards and horribly tortured until they stop[14]. If I have to I'll make up a story about how she was in league with the Unicorn People but otherwise I'll have gotten away with it.

Loose Ends:

• The servant: In some versions of the story this is a huntsmen. Whatever his resume says we are never actually told what happens to him after the evil Stepmother discovers that Snow White is still alive. Presumably he went off to fight in the Unicorn wars.
  
  
• The evil stepmother: What did she do after the prince took Snow White to his castle? Did she ever consult the mirror again? Perhaps this led to a revelation about beauty and she changed her ways[15].
  
  
• The dwarfs: Left back in the forest. Really, no reward, no titles no nothing. Obviously they weren't expecting anything but some gesture would have been nice.
  
  
• The poisoned apple: In some tellings the apple lodges in her throat and doesn't kill her. The kiss of the prince at the end dislodges the piece of apple which means he must have used some heavy tongue action.
  
  
• The magic mirror: Strikes me as less of a magic mirror than someone standing behind a curtain doing a silly voice and trying to make trouble [16].

Notes:

1. Or Dwarves or midgets or simply vertically challenged individuals.
2. Or any other person in the land.
3. She absolutely does. And when they get home they aren't mad! Proving the moral of the store to be “You can get away with anything if you're pretty” rather than “Don't take things from strangers”.
4. Probably doing a little dance and maybe a song, but singing about how you've just killed someone because they were prettier than you might lead to suspicion being directed your way. Better to just leave it at a little dance.
5. And Snow White, but she's dead and thus her opinion no longer matters as much
6. Or love, hell in another hundred years he'll probably bring her back with stimulants and genetic modifiers. Take your pick, it's a tale as old as time
7. Wuv, twue wuv.
8. She's being worked like a servant in the Disney version of the tale. I'll allow that not all tellings have her working like a servant but it goes without saying that she wasn't having the most fun time in her life before all this happened.
9. A problem that could have being solved by the magic mirror saying “First define beauty”
10. Although I might leave some DNA behind I shall counter this by underfunding the royal forensics department and making sure their equipment doesn't work.
11. It will also give me the opportunity to get rid of any political enemies or other people I think are prettier than me. If one of the guardsmen is clever enough to work it out then I will either promote him to the point where he forgets about it or have him fired and discredited.
12. It doesn't matter that nothing is going on. What matters is that it might be.
13. Which I can live with while I download their tortured screams to my I pod.
14. Either protesting or living. It's important for people to know that they have a choice.
15. Maybe the whole thing was a ruse, thanks to the magic mirror she knew what would happen and with Snow White gone to live with her prince in another region she can now be the fairest in the land again. Until she asks the mirror if she is the fairest in the Tri-kingdom area at which point it all starts up again.
16. Possibly in the pay of the Unicorn People. We'll never know.