IWSG: I ain't got no job singing the blues:

First Wednesday of the month don'tchaknow and that means its again time for the Insecure Writers Support Group.

It isn't much about writing this month but instead it is something that has been on my mind for a little while now.

See I quit my job this year. so that I could go on a graphics course which, don't get me wrong, I'm still super excited about but it's just that for the past five years I've been employed as a security guard and now, relatily speaking, I'm not.

There's a part of my brain that can't accept this. “You've got a good job” it pleads “you're getting older. You're not good enough, not smart enough. Not. NOT NOT”

I've been wrestling with this part of me every time I'm filling out another form and my heart was in my throat until I finally got the courage up to hand in my application.

Why? 
I think that it's less the fear of the unknown and more the part of me that's comfortable where I am. Job, real life friends, internet friends [1] all the things that a body could want in life [2]

The absolute worst case scenario is that I fail everything and wind up collecting the unemployment benefit forever but since I'm going to put everything that I have into my work on the course I am pretty certain that this isn't going to happen but there's still that little niggly naggly seed of doubt there.

I detest the unemployment benefit because its money that hasn't been earned and some people see it as a right, doing everything they can to stay on the lists for as long as they can [3] however it's a sweeping generalization to say that everyone collecting the benefit is like that because once you're in the clutches of Work and Income it can be very difficult to get out again.

Sit down and let me spin you a tale.

Once upon a time I went on my OE and returned to NZ healthy in mind and body. I signed up at the unemployment offices with bright eyes and high hopes.

“Find me a job merry receptionist” I said, and swept my hair back for effect “for I've no wish to collect the benefit and I'm motivated enough to try anything”

“That's the attitude” she smiled and handed me the job list

I went through the job list and applied for anything that I was remotely qualified for [4] and made a point of going in each day to apply for something new or to check on my applications.

Well days turned into weeks and my own pavement pounding had netted me nothing but holes in my shoes and a new understanding of the phrase “Don't call us, we'll call you” Eventually I moved into into Petone and received a new case officer who called me in for a meeting to discuss how things were going.

I didn't have a good feeling for this meeting because I'd more or less become one of the no hopers who didn't care that they don't have a job as long as they have money for whatever they need.

When the meeting came around we had a bit of a talk about this and that. I let him know about my own work seeking efforts which were, at this stage, sadly lacking and also the jobs that I had applied for over previously.

He tapped away on the computer to bring up my file.

“That's funny” his brow furrowed

“What is it?”

“You don't go by any other names do you?”

“No. None at all”

“According to this you haven't been registered with us since May of 2002. It says you cancelled your benefit because you found work?”

“Yes I'd started working at the Woolworths Supermarket. Look I've been getting the benefit regular as clockwork, what about all those jobs I applied for?”

He shook his head “I'm not seeing them anywhere in the system”

It's a testament to the power of words that I remember those words as clearly as anything. It's been 5 years and I remember them so very clearly.

I couldn't believe it, all that time and effort had been totally wasted and it felt exactly like someone had slammed a large tree branch into my chest [5]

“Well, do you have any jobs available?” I finally asked with tears in my eyes

Yes, tears, it was that much of a blow. I had been able to accept that nobody wanted to hire me but to learn that I hadn't even been on the list? Yeah, there were tears.

He retrieved my old friend the job list and I didn't even bother to look at it before handing it back.

“All of them”

“I can't just put your name forward for everything. Give it a proper read through”

“It's just that I really need a job. I'm sick of this benefit and want to work”

He tapped away at the computer again “I can get you a cleaning job at Mcdonalds”

“I have to take it”

“It's in Porirua”

“I'll take the bus”

“You haven't got a car?”

“No” I wondered if he'd listened to a thing I'd told him “I'm poor”

“Wait there” he went off and talked to a few people before returning “how do you feel about security?”

“Alot better than I do about cleaning Mcdonalds” [6]

To cut a long story short I had a quick interview over the phone and a proper one was soon scheduled.

That day I left those offices on the biggest high ever. Birds sang just for me and the sun shone down with a smile on his face. If there had been more people around we would have broken out into spontaneous choreography. I was that level of happy.

But now I'm leaving a steady job in a thriving industry to go and do what? Paint some pictures?

In part. It is a graphic design course after all and this is a field that I've wanted to explore for quite some time, I was going to do it last year but thanks to another guard quitting at the same time and the schedules suddenly being changed every week I decided to put the studies on hold until now.

I end this badly written angst fest of a post by saying that the silver lining in all of this is that the hours of the course are 0900 – 1500 monday – thursday with fridays set aside for study.

After 5 years of 12 hour shifts this is going to feel like luxury and it means that I'll still have time to do the blog! play computer games! write the book!

Look for work naturally

Notes:

1. Who are like real life friends only with more lol's it's all in the accent I understand.
2. No girlfriend, in real life or on the internet. I am le sigh
3. The technical name for this kind of person is bludger
4. As you do.
5. Which is something else that I know from experience
6. Apologies to any Mcdonalds workers who are reading this but I've put in the hard yards under the golden arches and have no desire to return.
   
   

An Award!

I got an award from a blogger who, at this point shall remain nameless. This is because with the award comes a numbered list of requirements and here at Jabberwockery we're all about doing it by the numbers.

1: 15 Bloggers:

Since I'm pretty certain that everyone I follow has already received this award or something similar I'm going to deviate from the rules, thus showing my versatility, by listing the sites that I visit regularly.  On reflection I look at way to many webcomics. [1]

1. Cracked
2. Sinfest
3. Questionable Content
4. Goblins
5. Order of the Stick
6. Erfworld
7. Not always right
8. Wasted Talent
9. Dinosaur Comics
10. XKCD
11. Sluggy Freelance
12. Lackadaisy Cats
13. Looking For Group
14. Weregeek
15. Cakehead loves Evil

2: Add the Versatile Blogger Award.

Check

3: Thank the blogger:

Cleemckenzie who writes all manner of thoughtful and interesting articles [2] at The Write Game was nice enough to include Jabberwockery in her list of blogs.  Thanks again.

4: Bits of information

1. I have a scar across my right knee from where I split it open trying to do karate kicks.  Slightly lower down is a small depression from where I gouged a large chunk out when I came off my bike.  Such things are status symbols when you're young.
2. I own a broadsword and occasionally fight with it [3]
3. If/When I go into business for myself my offices will be called Black Dog Studios.  This is a reference to my dog, Tui [4]
4. I very nearly managed to get Speak Softly Love played at my grandmothers funeral.  It is, perhaps, more commonly known as the theme from The Godfather and it is awesome [5]
5. The book I am writing is the first part in the Worldsong series.  The first book is Harts Change, the second is Harts Blood and the third is Harts War.
6. If the authorities ever got a good look at my notes folder I'm certain that I would quickly become a person of interest to them. Religious Cannibalism rubs shoulders with methods of amputation and arcane rituals.
7. I can't think of a seventh thing so I'll share my recipe for homemade ice blocks:
1. Take whole Peaches or Nectarines.  The exact type doesn't matter but stone fruit work best.
2. Put fruit in ice cream container.
3. Put ice cream container, now containing fruit, into freezer.
4. Time passes.
5. Take fruit out of both freezer and ice cream container in any order.
6. eat ice blocks. outside and with a towel to help clean up.

5: The Rules: [6]
1. In a post on your, blog, nominate 15 fellow bloggers for The Versatile Blogger Award.

2. In the same post, Add the Versatile Blogger Award.
3. In the same post, thank the blogger who nominated you in a post with a link back to their blog.
4. In the same post, share 7 completely random pieces of information about yourself.
5. In the same post, include this set of rules.
6. Inform each nominated blogger of their nomination by posting a comment on each of their blogs.

6: Inform each nominated blogger:

There is no step 6! [7]

Notes:

1. Good idea that.  Put the links that take people away from the site right at the top.
2. Naturally enough.  Otherwise she wouldn't be the VERSATILE blogger.
3. Finally!
4. Usually over who's going to do the dishes.  The roster is on the fridge for a reason people
5. Newfoundland/Ridgeback Cross.  He developed very bad arthritis in his hips and it was the first time that I, personally, made the decision to take him to the vet that last time.
6. She would have laughed about it.
7. I admit it.  I did this whole post with that joke in my head

The Everything you didn't want to know about writings Favourite Character Blogfest

Kellic Sparrowhawk.

Introduction:

This is an entry for a Blog Challenge from Everything you didn't want to know about writing. All you need to do to enter is click the link, sign up and reveal to the interworld exactly three things:

1. Who your favorite character that you've written is.
2. Why exactly they are your favourite
3. A snippet of writing so we can all go “Ooh” and “Aah and, if you're very lucky “We want to publish you. Right now!”

The dangers of Aliens and a cunning plan

As Mankind steps once more into the vastness of outer space with talk of manned missions to Mars [1] I think that it's time the collective governments of the world acknowledge two things

1. That the Voyager probe was a success and they have been in contact with several alien species for a number of years
2. That these same aliens have been monitoring the radio signals which are generally bounced off satellites.

This gives us two very important facts.

1. That the aliens are too busy sitting around watching TV to invade earth
2. That the earth has been the most coveted prize in the universe and the signals that we've sent into outer space have been the most effective propaganda campaign ever.

Hang on. I've seen those films and the only thing an alien is going to learn from them is that Humans are soft, squidgy and go well with chocolate.

Ever watched a scary movie? I mean a really, really scary one that had those bits that you just couldn't watch so you covered up your eyes until it was over. We'll have to assume that the Aliens monitoring us are doing the same thing when the Hollywood aliens start losing.

But that doesn't make sense. Not every Alien is going to cover his/her/its eyes/optical tendrils when it gets too much. Levels of scariness are pretty much relative anyway.

That's why we're pumping so much money into the movie industry. With the amount of movies and movie monsters that we've produced the odds that the alien couch potatoes have had to look away are pretty good.

This is pretty flimsy.  All right we'll say the whole “propaganda” thing has worked and Hollywood magic has stopped several alien invasions. What happens when we finally get far enough into outer space that we actually meet the aliens and they discover that the movies are only a convenient fiction?

But they won't be.

But they are. I hate to break it to you and any aliens that happen to read this but movie aliens are not real [2].  When our astronaut and cosmonauts extend the hand of friendship then all we're going to hear is the zappy zappy of laser cannons [3]

Unless. Oh no you've got a plan don't you?

I may have a contingency plan with which to protect our nauties. All we have to do is follow the Jabberwockery Survival Guide to Outer Space Encounters With Alien Lifeforms or J.S.G.O.S.E.A.L for short.

That doesn't spell anything

It doesn't have to. It's a simple three step plan guaranteed to protect the lives of everyone on the planet, off the planet and anywhere in between.

You've seriously sat down and thought about this?

You won't have that attitude when JSGOSEAL has just saved you from having your face eaten. [4]

JABBERWOCKERY SURVIVAL GUIDE TO OUTER SPACE ENCOUNTERS WITH ALIEN LIFEFORMS

STEP 1: Spaceships.

• All spaceships produced on earth will be called Nostromo, Enterprise, Defiance or Serenity.
• The official name for any earth space stations will be Babylon Five.
• All earth colonies will be referred to as Penal Colonies. Any actual penal colonies will be referred to as holiday locations [5].

STEP 2: Education.

• All incarnations of Star Trek, Babylon 5 and Firefly will be taught as fact [6] to children in schools. Holidays and events referred to in each of these series will be celebrated/mourned/acknowledged on the appropriate stellar dates [7] The odds that someone has already managed to combine the timeliness of these are pretty good.
• On graduation all students will take on the professional names of Kirk, Riker, Ripley, Janeway, Jayne, Ivanova or River Tam.

STEP 3: Preventative Measures.

• While traveling through outer space the various ships of humanity will be sending out a very important message via robopigeon to any aliens in the vicinity.

---ATTENTION ALL ALIENS STOP---

---THIS IS THE EARTH SHIP NOSTROMO---

---I HAVE ELLEN RIPLEY AND RIVER TAM ON BOARD STOP---

---SERIOUSLY GUYS DONT TRY ANYTHING WITH EARTH STOP---

---WE WILL MESS YOU UP---

---SINCERELY CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK STOP---

---[8]---

Notes:

1. and completely overlooking the fact that Tarzan has already beaten everyone there.
2. “They're not? Prepare to invade!”
   “But Sir, Doctor Who Marathon”
   “Irrelevant! Wait. Which Doctor?”
3. It's the guns that go “Pyew Pyew” Presumably NASA training covers this at some point.
4. I was bored at work. This is where most of my post ideas come from.
5. Thus giving the unsuspecting vacation aliens a very nasty surprise
6. Not Star Wars because that happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.
7. Today for instance is “Captain Mal kicked a guy into the engine and it was totally cool” day.
8. You have to pay extra for a musical version. It is sung by a Johnny Cash impersonator because if we don't have the man in black then what's the point of going?

Grandiose World Changing Theory Time

I haven't done one of these since I made a modest proposal.

BUT!

A few days ago my car was very nearly involved in an encounter at an intersection.  Nobody was hurt but the other driver was in the wrong but simply sped away with his middle finger raised proudly [1]

By the time I got home I had cooled down enough to stop swearing at him and settled down for a good hard think about road safety, the vehicles that we all use and how I can make it safer for everyone. [2]

The A-Z Alphabet Challenge

Here's what I've started working on this week.  

As you may or may not already know the A-Z alphabet challenge is taking place again. You can find proper details and sign up at Tossing it out but it boils down to over the month of April the goal is to make a post on your blog each day and work your way through the alphabet. 

This year I've decided to take the precaution of actually writing a few posts ahead of time, which is to say most of them, with any luck I should only have to clear up the odd spelling mistake make a slight change here and there.

I promise that this year I will be more proactive [1] in visiting the other blogs in the challenge. I wasn't able to get around to a lot of them due to time constraints [2]

The subjects that I chose the last time around were wide ranging and some were clearly spur of the moment nonsense [3], this time around I've decided on a more organized approach to each post.

The topics themselves will still be chosen more or less at random from the various dictionaries and lists of obscure words out there in the internet but the questions that I ask will be the same on each one.

The new questions:

1. What is it?
   Clearly a few paragraphs describing it can only ever be a good thing [4]
2. Where do you get it?
   The howtos and wherefores of obtaining one for yourself. The exact whys are left for yourself to answer,
3. Using it in real life:
   It's all very well having one but what do you do with it and is it supposed to be that shade of blue?
4. Using it in writing:
   Sometimes I pretend to be a writer, it's like being an author only the pay isn't as good.  Nevertheless I'll jot down a few ways that the subject of the day might be used in a story.

What has been left in from last year?

• I'll be keeping the jokes and also the actual useful stuff, for people who like that sort of thing.
• Footnotes that can only be seen by really cool people.
• Obscure references that require you to have an extensive repertoire of knowledge before you can even hope to get the joke.
• Homages, dedications and a lot of other fancy words that boil down to mean “shamelessly stolen from Monty Python”
• Shameless plugs for Harts Change
• Singing, Music and a fun time to be had by all.[6]

PART TWO:

Not content with finding strange words and terms to overanalyise.  [7] I'll also present a few words about an author and their work.

Notes:

1. Also to lower taxes. Naturally these promises will be forgotten once I'm actually elected
2. Roughly translated this means that there were so many blogs and I needed to sleep and go to work at some point.
3. But they do say to write what you know
4. and an indication that I won't be doing anything from Lovecraft since half of his bestiary are indescribable horrors. That is, if you don't count the fact that by labelling them as indescribable you have, in fact, just described them. Oh Cthulhu Fhtagn!
5. Oh by the way I'm writing a book. I might have mentioned it once or twice.
6. Ve vill know if you are not havink enof fun. Ve vill be vatching you expecially.
7. Also because I finished the first couple of articles and they were a little lacking in length.

Insecure Writers Support Group

Well I promised a big posting for this one and here it is. 


On those days when the muse decides to sleep in I scribble up backgrounds for random characters.  Sometimes they go somewhere and sometimes they don't but it does help to give the creativity neurons a bit of a jump start.


The images all come from old issues of  Dragon Magazine and there are many, many more waiting behind that link.  I've had masses of character portraits since forever ago, at first they were scanned from my comics, ensuring that everyone looked suprisingly like Superman and The Hulk.  Since I've had the Internet the collection has quickly reached extreme proportions.
Sorcerers Net has a very nice collection from all sorts of sources.


So here are a few starters, if they inspire you to write an epic 5 novel saga then all I ask is 10% of the gross and if anybody asks where you got the idea please don't say "This blog had a whole bunch of them, silly fool was just giving them away" 
I'm quite sure that I'll already be kicking myself hard enough thank you.

The Hori Project - My good advice cured a pakeha jokers ulcers

A very merry hoho to you all.  This blog has been quiet because I've been imbibing of several merry  ho ho which tends to dull my usually rapierlike wit.

Regular service will resume now that I've sobered up and as the next post is scheduled to be the latest instalment of the Insecure Writers Support Group I promise it'll be a nice big one that you can sink your teeth into.

Until then I present proof that the Hori Project lives!

I was sitting on the lid of the dustbin the other Sunday enjoying half a gallon of cool beer which the missus had put in the fridge for me the night before. A pakeha joker from up the road has a gink at me and says “well Hori, what are you looking so pleased about?”

“Well, “ I say , “it's a kapai morning, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the beer tastes plurry good and I have had a good breakfast of bacon and eggs and the curried crayfish which the mother in law couldn't finish on account of having too much pakeha tucker at the indoor bowls meeting last night”

This pakeha coot says to me, “what you think about the yanks sending monkeys and things into space?”

I say “I don't know anything about this news”

He says, “Don't you read the papers?”

I tell him “Only when they make the korero about the Maori not being allowed to go and play the Springboks in Africa” I then say to this jokers, who looks about as cheerful as most pakeha fellers do on a Sunday morning “will you have a drink and a cold whitebait fritter?”

He says, “Cripes no. Don't you know that I have a stomach ulcer?”

I say “How you get thing this thing?”

He says “It's the worry about the income tax and the share market and one thing and another. Don't you get the ulcer sometime?”

I tell him that I don't pay the income tax 'cause I got too many kids and I don't make enough dough to buy the shares. I also tell him that even I f I did get the ulcer it wouldn't have a show fighting the good tucker that I eat like the crayfish, the paua, the pipi, the corn on the cob and the pig's head.

This pakeha coot he then say “Don't you ever worry at all?”

I say “Py korry yes, sometimes when the wife’s brother rats the fridge and pinches the pigs trotter which I always have about two o'clock in the morning to keep me going till breakfast”

This thin faced pakeha says “what you think about the Russian situation and don't you worry about world affairs??”

I say “Py korry what you think we keep all these jokers at the Parliament for? We pay them to do the bellyaching and worrying for us, so why do the worrying ourselves?”

He says “Stiffen the crows... you've got something there mate”

I say “Cut out this worry business. Don't worry about the Yanks and the Russians. Just go ahead and eat the good kai and drink the good beer. Have the good wahine and kids and the good mates to enjoy the good things”

Do you know what? I talk this coot into having the pigs trotter and a few pots and he soon forgets about the ulcer and the income tax.

All of a sudden he says “Hori, your talk has done me good. I feel a lot better”

In that case I tell him we better have something to eat, so I bring out the mussels, the pipi, the corn cob and the pickle onions a also another jar of beer.

When he go he thank me very much and say goodbye.

I don't see this pakeha for about two weeks when I am having a pot with my mate in the pub about ten to six on Saturday. I see this joker standing on a chair making the korero to about about 20 pakehas.

He wave the arms and says to this mob like this “You fellers worry too much about world affair and your own personal selfishness. Also you don't eat the good tucker like the pig's trotter, the pipi and the crayfish. Watch yourselves “ he says “ or you will finish up with a good crop of stomach ulcers.

The Devils Sooty Brother or Work is hell!

INTRODUCTION:

Christmas is almost upon us and in my country it means BBQs, cricket on the beach and singing about all those lovely carols how cold and deep the snow is and Santa has to wrap up warm to deliver presents.

So it's a good job that I stumbled across this little gem when I did because my version of the nativity was going nowhere fast.

Inkeeper: We don't often get mothers of potential deities in here
Mary: At these prices I'm not surprised.

Better to leave it on the cutting room floor and spare myself a lifetime of dodging lightening bolts addressed to “That smartarse who thinks he can make fun of my mum”

It's actually one of The Brothers Grimm stranger stories, it doesn't follow the rule of three [1] that so many of their stories do, except in the most roundabout way and I suspect that the only child that was given this as a bedtime story grew up to be Hannibal Lector.

Its another one that will most likely never get past the doors of Disney [2] But that's not a bad thing because this is clearly a more of a Mike Mignola type story anyway.

THE DEVILS SOOTY BROTHER

THE STORY:

There was once a soldier who had been discharged from the army, for reasons that were never actually made clear, he had nothing to live on and did not know how to make his way in the world.  While he walked through the forest he met a little man who turned out to be the devil.

“Hi Devil” the soldier said calmly enough

“Damn” replied the devil who had been hoping to spring the surprise himself “it's the pitchfork isn't it? I knew I should have left it behind. Anyway, I was just sitting here minding my own business when you walked by looking sad. Whats got you down friend?” [3]

“I'm hungry” the soldier replied, completely ignoring the prompt that would have turned this into a musical number “but broke”

“That's fixed easily enough. Hire yourself to me as my serving-man and I promise that you shall have enough for all your life.”

“That sounds like a good deal”

The devil smiled like the slimier kind of used car salesman “Of course it is. All I ask is seven years and then you'll be free [4] My only condition is that you must not wash, comb, trim or cut your hair and nails. You can't even wipe the water from your eyes”

“That's an amazingly specific list sir. I take it there’s a union?”

“Naturally. I am the devil after all” [5]

The pair shook hands to seal the pact and the devil led the soldier down into hell. When they arrived at the devils house he received his list of duties.

Official list of hell duties:

• Keep the house clean
• Drive all the sweepings behind the doors and make sure that everything is kept in order
• Poke the fire under the kettles where the hell-broth was stewing.
• Collect the mail
• Walk the Dog
• Maintain the garden
• Manage my downloads

As can be expected the list went on for a while but the top three were the most important and the devil strongly cautioned him against looking inside the kettles.

“No prob boss. You can count on me” and the soldier got on with the work while the devil went out again on his wanderings.

When the devil returned he had a good look round and appeared satisfied with the soldiers work and left once he had remembered that he was running late for an appointment in Georgia. [6]

Left to his own devices the soldier looked at the huge kettles and, overcome with curiosity, looked inside each one.

Inside the first was his former corporal who looked decidedly uncomfortable. Inside the second was his former ensign who wasn't having such an easy time of it either. Finally inside the third kettle was his former general. He closed the kettles up and made the fires hotter and hotter since these three had once delighted in making his own water very hot indeed.

Time passed and for seven years he didn't wash or cut his hair and the seven years seemed so short to him that he thought he had only been there half a year.

“Well soldier what have you done?” the devil asked one day

“Everything on the list. Poked the fire, swept the dirt behind the doors, walked the dog and got your mail”

“Anything interesting in there?”

“Just some bills. Price of coal has gone up again”

“And they call me evil” the devil shuddered “It's been seven years since we met and don't bother denying that you didn't look in the kettles because I've got the whole father of lies thing sewn up tight. I'll just say that it's a good job that you kept on making the flames larger and hotter because otherwise you would have paid with your life. Anyway, now that your time is up will you go home again?”

“I will” said the soldier “my father hasn't heard from me all this time so I'd better drop in and say hello”

“Very well. In order that you may receive the wages you've earned in my service [7] go and fill your knapsack full of the sweepings and take it home with you. Also you must remain in your unwashed state and when anyone asks where you're from you've got to say 'from hell' if they ask who you are you must tell them 'I am the devil's sooty brother, and my king as well'”

The soldier held his tongue as he collected the sweepings from behind the door, added a few more logs to the kettles and left thinking that all he'd been tricked by his friend into working for this muck. When he returned to the forest he looked in his bag and discovered that his sweepings had become pure gold. He felt bad about what he had been thinking and whistled happily as he entered the town.

“From whence you came?” called the landlord in fear of this horrible man who looked like a particularly badly made scarecrow

“From hell” the soldier replied as the devil had instructed him

“Who are you then?”

“I'm the devil's sooty brother, and my king as well”

“You're a loony” the innkeeper said to himself “but a loony with money and that means he's just eccentric”

Our friend the soldier made certain he had the best meal and rooms in the place which was easy since very few people wanted to spend a night under the same roof as the devils brother.

Finally he lay down to sleep but during the night the innkeeper stole his gold filled knapsack.

Of course the theft was discovered in the morning and the soldier returned to hell and talked with his old boss about the problem.

“Sit down soldier boy” the devil said and for the first time in seven years the man was made clean, neat and tidy. “now you go back to the inn and tell the keeper to return your gold or else I'll fetch him and he can work for me”

So the soldier went to the landlord and threatened him with servitude to the devil if the gold wasn't returned right bleeding now.He left the inn with a bad review, all of his gold and all of the innkeepers gold as well.

On his way home he strolled about making music, since the devil, as we all know, has the best tunes it had made sense to spend some time learning them.

It was a good thing that he had because a king heard his music and was so delighted with his playing that he promised him his eldest daughter in marriage.

“Give me to that common muck and I'll kill myself” the eldest daughter proclaimed and looked around for a divan upon which to suitably languish.

So the king gave the soldier his youngest daughter who was happy to please her father and when the king died the devils sooty brother inherited the throne. [8]

The end.

THOUGHTS:

• The devils kettles:
  It's a nice setup. On the one hand if the devil says don't do this then you probably should but on the other hand he's your boss and you have to obey his orders. Either way he wins.
• The men in the kettles:
  The three men who had made his life as a soldier hell just happen to be in the kettles? Methinks the devil didn't choose this soldier at random.
• “and the seven years seemed so short to him that he thought he had only been there half a year”
  this suggests that he enjoyed his work a lot I think we can take it as a truth that this guy wasn't going to be very nice even without the devils job.
  In fact we could go so far as to say that, by keeping him in hell and away from humanity, the devil of our tale is actually the good guy of the story. Um, yay?
• Don't wash or cut your hair...
  I'm pretty certain that the devil was just messing with him. But could this be something deeper? Perhaps an attempt to make him look as ugly on the outside as he was on the inside?
• Why did the soldier return to hell when his money was stolen?
  He might have resolved the matter by dropping the devils name into the conversation like so.
  “You know my brother, the devil, gave me that bag of money and I'm sure that Old Scratch, isn't going to like the fact that someone has taken it. Lets also not forget that his old boss sees everything that happens in the world and some of his staff are taking notes about things that people have done. Hint bloody hint mate”
  
  On top of that he's a soldier.  Any soldier who knows that someone has pinched his money, especially a sack full of gold, isn't going to bother with the law when there's such a thing as a rampage.

CONCLUSIONS:

Its difficult to know what to make of this one and since it ends so abruptly I wouldn't be surpised if there was a part two floating around out there.

I think my biggest question is what exactly are the devils motives here?
He gets a serving-man for seven years but what is he really after?  The more I think about this the more I think that the whole thing was the devil using the soldier to scare an innkeeper into living a good life.
But how mean and nasty do you have to be before the man in the striped pyjamas looks up and says "Damn me [9] If I don't do something then this guy will be coming down here for sure"

NOTES:

1. Three brothers, three godmothers, three this, three that. You get the picture.
2. Unless there is one heck of a Christmas party the night before.
3. Cavet! The devil calls everyone friend, be wary of this.
4. “You'll also have a hard time explaining this to Saint Peter but I didn't say that”
5. Boom Boom!
6. He'd been practising and was confident of winning back his golden fiddle.
7. Your completely voluntary service to the prince of darkness that is.
8. And there was much rejoicing because nobody wanted to be the one that wasn't rejoicing hard enough. Not with the devils sooty brother sitting on the throne and watching everyone.
9. Again

Can we guess your characters age? Blogfest Contest

We'll save the regularly scheduled post [1] so that I can post about this blogfest Which I stumbled across on Everything you didn't want to know about writing. [2] and is the brainchild of http://brenleedrake.blogspot.com


The gist of the contest is that the first 250 words of your manuscript, regardless of whether it's finished or a Work In Progress. Then jump onto a few other entrants and try to guess the age of the character, give critiques, or praise [3] 


I did have to whittle it down a little to make the 250 word limit but it's only replacing a few words here and there.  All this really means is that if this ever does get published this excerpt and the first few paragraphs won't marry up perfectly but aside from that and without any further guilding of the lilly. Here's my Entry. 

Character Evelyn Oneeye [4]

For a time she dared to dream of escape, even a rescue, but she knew it was futile. There would be no rescue because she wasn't here, had never been here and, really, shouldn't have been here but the opportunity to tug the barons nose had simply been too much to resist. 


“Good evening Beautiful. It's a cold night out there tonight and no mistake” The voice of the Baron in question brought her out of her dreaming and she raised her head, the effort of even this small movement almost exhausting her “I've told you before, Don't call me that” 
His smile was contemptuous but then it always had been “Look at you still trying to give orders” without warning his fist, made heavy with tasteless jewelery, slammed into her face “Tell me who sent you!” 
She spat but it fell short “I don't speak with traitors. You couldn't break me when I was your betrothed and you can't break me now” 
“You sheep can bleat about traitors all you want. When the dust settles I'm going to be the one ruling Kalagrim while you'll be just another beggar rolling around in the filth” 


The door opened again with the blast of wind pulling the guardsman in with it. “Baron Trailin sir!” he remembered to come to attention and salute, Ambian style, just in time “a traveller at the gate requests an audience with you. He claims to be from the Carbine Barony” 


Notes: 

1. That I totally had already prepared and ready to go. Honest 
2. Which is always awesome and you should totally visit. Don't forget to bring cake because that's always polite. 
3. Or money. I'll stress right now that money is perfectly acceptable.
4. In the actual book her name isn't revealed until later for various reasons, but it doesn't hurt anything to include it.

Insecure Writers Support Group Post Day

Sometimes, sometimes you just don't feel like writing at all.  You've got no ideas and even if you do their either rubbish or totally stolen from somewhere else. [1]  

It's the season I suppose.  Work is piling up, everyone seems to either be on your back or in your face for no reason at all.  You can't escape it because no matter where you turn it's all mountains.

Eventually they all just run together into one big blob of negative and the only thing that you can do is to make soothing go away type noises in the vain hope that it will do any good.

Then they turn around and expect you to write something worth reading? [2]

But you start scribbling anyway and you aren't paying attention to what your doing, it's all just random.  Eventually you look it over and, sure it's rambling, angry, incoherrant and illegable but there's some good stuff in the mess as well.

What's my point?  It isn't enough to tell the reader that your main character is angry or sad or in love or whatever you've got to show them through their actions and their interactions with others.

Someone who's angry isn't going to listen to anyone else.  They'll rant to anyone within listening distance and if there is nobody in listening distance then they shout towards the heavens [3] or perhaps they won't, it might be that they are the type of person to keep things on a slow burn, staying silent and just turning it all over in their mind.  If they speak at all it will just be a repeating of a single word or phrase over and over. [4]

Think about the posture of a person as well.  No eye contact, not speaking, moving away when someone gets close are clear signs that they don't want to talk.

It won't always go the way you plan it.  I know the cast of Harts Change are becoming notorious for choosing option C when I could only see options A and B.

There was supposed to be more to this but I lost half my notes and work is killing me.

Also I'm listening to a really big fight that has flared up between the guy and his girlfriend who live in the house.

This is an epic level meltdown and by that I mean that they were a block away and we could clearly hear them in the kitchen [5].  Everyone went back to their rooms just now.  This is one of those fights that will stop for neither man nor beast.

Ok, she's just slammed the door in his face and he's gone around to shout at the window.  Hasn't tried to break anything yet.

He's walked round the house twice and now he's back inside inside and banging on the door.  Still shouting although it's pretty incoherent at the moment.  I'll let you know if anything comes of this [6]

Update:

10 minutes later:  There were some more door slams.  I think he did it twice for extra effect, now she's crying in the kitchen with his mum.  I don't know what the story is and I don't know them well enough to pry.  All I'm going to be doing is observing the actions of these two until they patch things up. [7]

Notes:

1. Very much like this post.  It's taken me days to get even this much down on paper
2. Although who exactly "they" are I'm sure I don't know
3. At which point the boss is looking down saying "Oh me!  Not this guy again"
4. It doesn't have to make sense except to them.
5. While part of me is hoping that they sort it out another part of me is doing the whole Jerry Springer experience
6. if anything comes of this....incredibly convenient fight that you have no way of verifying for those of us playing along at home.
7. which, of course, I hope that they do.  Greek tragedy is very much overrated.