| INTRODUCTION: Relax, the sense of deja vu is perfectly normal since I have already done an analysis of Snow White. In fact it was the first one of these that I did and my plan back then was to connect them all by having the running gag of people going off to fight in the Unicorn Wars. Thankfully I was able to cast such ideas to the wind but this particular story seems to beg for an update. An update which, if you hit the jump you can read.
So
here's the thing. Leaving aside the issue of terrible grammar in that opening sentence I've
done a few blog challenges in the past, they're both fun and
challenging (1), but the A-Z was my first and remains my favourite. Of course the first time I did it my subjects were just a
random selection of alphabetical miscellanea and last time I did it I
actually tried to give out useful/less information.
The
biggest change in then and now is that then I was stuck in a job that
let me have a lot of hours to think about all the various topics and
didn't mind if I scribbled them down on the back of official type
forms. Whereas now I've left and am currently designated officialus
artus studentus (2)
The
thing of it is that my previous entries have been large walls of text
(3). Admittedly it's often funny text, occasionally has a
point and I'm happy to share anything that gets scribbled down in a
fit of inspiration/madness/carefully thought out and reasonable
discussion (4).
But
this time around it's going to be different. This time I've decided
that, due to aforementioned studentage, I'll most likely be bogged
down in assignments and essays where I must talk about a painting of
a daisy and what the play of shadow upon the petals was saying about
the working conditions during the industrial revolution. This isn't
going to leave me a lot of time to do other traditional student
activities – namely going to parties and getting drunk (5).
Anyway
the point is that with all the free time I now haven't got I've still
decided to do the challenge because of the aforementioned fun and
tradition but the big difference this time around is that it's going
to be comprised solely of Bands and their Albums.
There
you go, that's the list of bands and to the best of my knowledge
they don't exist except on my blog (6). I don't know
exactly what genre's they'll all be although I'd be surprised if
Satans Arrow is anything less than very heavy metal.
| NOTES:
A
phrasing, incidentally, that accurately sums up my first girlfriend.
We
can all be thankful that I'm not taking Latin.
You
can skip this next bit it's just me polishing my ego.
But
that last one almost never happens
I
kid. Art students don't have time for any of that. Not when we're
all sitting around drinking tiny espressos and worrying about the
price of berets.
But
if they do then they can have a free album cover. Woo!
It won't tell me when I have messages or missed calls except when it
cuts me off in the middle of a call to tell me that there are
messages waiting.
It
has an alarm which works, erratically (1).
But
I mean you've got to have a cellphone these days because, well just
because. Or do you? It might be that there are alternatives to
cellphones which have not being looked at in enough depth.
Alternatives, I might add, that are not only good for the environment
but also good for humanity in general (2).
/OPTION ONE –
BIRDS:
Now
when I say birds I'm really talking about pigeons and you might think
I mean of the homing variety but I'm not. The pigeons I'm talking
about are the ones that gather in the city squares and are also known
as flying rats. PRO: Good at surviving
Know
their way around the cities of the world.
CON:
Not
exactly the smartest of birds. (3) Or are they? The fact
that this bird has managed to survive and thrive in the brutal worlds
of nature and also in the concrete jungle strikes me as suspicious.
What are they hiding? What's their agenda? Clearly the pigeon can
not be trusted.
“But
what about other kinds of birds?” I hear you ask through the
specialized and expensive software that lurks in the depths of this
blog. “There are more kinds than Pigeons you know” Well I do
know and have considered different types of avian but even there we
seem to run into problems.
Obviously
we can't use anything from the Corvus branch – crows, ravens
magpies etc. Not because they've already been proven to be rather
high up on the intelligence scale but more because it would mean that
everyone would look like Highschool Goths (4) and any messages
sent would look like
“When
the black inky night spills into the depths of my soul. I look into
the face of the monster and say 'what's the point of it all and can
you pick up some milk on the way home tonight?' Luv Mum”
Perhaps
then, each country should use their national birds as their own
message carriers? (5) This too has it's
drawbacks as the American Bald Eagle clearly wouldn't deliver
messages that it felt weren't patriotic enough which means that any
message sent would look like
“America
Woo! Man I tell you, I love living in this, the greatest and best
country in the world. Any who doesn't like us is gonna have to deal
with me! There's a real raging fire in my heart for this great state
of ours and there's a real raging fire in this state of ours. Could
you come and put it out? Yours in truth, justice and the American
way forever”
Our
own national bird is the Kiwi. A type of bird that doesn't fly, only
comes out at night and might deliver some sort of garbled message in
a couple of days if it doesn't find something more interesting to do
(6).
As stated above: Our Avian brothers are clearly
not the answer.
/OPTION 2 – ROCK:
Rocks
are everywhere in this world, they're everywhere in outer space as
well which explains why Boybands and that Justin Bieber chick are
having such a hard time breaking into the cosmic market. (7).
But
how exactly can we use mere rock to pass on messages? Why it's
simplicity itself
STEP
1: Locate rock of sufficient size
STEP
2: Write message on rock of sufficient size.
STEP
3: Whilst carrying rock of sufficient size, now loaded with message.
Find person with whom you wish to communicate STEP 4: Throw rock
of sufficient size at person with whom you wish to communicate STEP
5: Await reply. STEP 6: Ouch STEP 7: Return to Step 1 until
conversation is concluded.
Now if the movies have taught me
anything it's that once people stop playing a sport they generally
live their lives in an alcoholic haze until they are called upon to
coach a ragtag team of underdogs (8) . But what we have
here is an opportunity. Since throwing rocks is the new form of
communication the retired baseball pitcher or cricket bowler could
easily get a job that allows them to transmit messages across the
country for long distance communications. This ensures that, when
they eventually return to the sport that they love so much, this is
going to be translated into bowling of bat shattering speeds
(9)
For obvious reasons this excludes Australians.
Feburary 1 1981:: Never Forget!
/OPTION
3 - NAMES:All right. From now on everyone gets a different
name. There is only one Tom, Tim, Istvaan, Oswold, Micky, Micheal,
Mike, etc in the entire world and on the basis that sooner or later
everyone knows everyone else (10) all anyone has to do is
pass on a message which will eventually get to the right person. How
do they know it's the right person? Because there's only one “Tim”
on the planet and someone knows him.(11)
Of
course we'll run into problems with this scheme as well since legally
changing your name is already a bureaucratic nightmare of paperwork
and red tape and if you don't move quickly enough then you could be
stuck with a name that you don't want or worse, a name that you did
want, back when you were thirteen (12) Another issue is
that this effectively makes the messaging system an elaborate and
global version of Chinese Whispers which guarantees that when your
message reaches “Tim” it's either so very garbled as not to make
sense or has been changed entirely,
/NOTES:
and occasionally vomits pea soup while spinning round and shouting
“Your mother sews socks in heck!” but to be fair I did download that particular app.
Also for humanity in Specific. A country that, I'll remind you, is
nowhere near New Zealand, but shout out to my Specifican brothers!
You guys don't get no respect!
I know what you're thinking and no we can't monkey around with their
genetic structure. Didn't Charlton Hestons time among those damned
dirty apes teach you anything?
The worst kind!
I mean why else would we have them?
Like laundry.
Heartfelt thanks to Pink Floyd and David Bowie. They've guaranteed
that at least one aspect of the final frontier will be awesome.
Who may or may not also be depressed/disabled/girls or a gestalt
combination of all three
Because that's what India needs. More fast bowlers.
In the same way that Wikipedia insists that everyone knows
everything although if that is true then explain Student Loans.
“Oh yeah, he's the one that suggested throwing rocks at eagles. I
hate that guy!”
Remember
the type of stuff you were into when you were thirteen? Do you
really want your taxes done by Conan Thundercat Prime, the
invincible hero of the universe?
