Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Grandiose world Changing Theory - The problem with babies

Before I begin I'd just like to state that, while I don't have children I did stand in a supermarket queue behind a mother who did and, according to the internet, this now qualifies me as an expert on parenting in general and children in specific (1)
That being said I feel that I must point out that Babies cry. Babies cry, alot. It appears to be one of the joys of parenting that they've conveniently left out of the brochures. The thing of it is that we've been around for a long time now and babies have been around almost as long. You'd think that at some point in our history someone would have come up with an idea or two to address the problems of crying babies.


Looks like it's up to me then.

The problem as I see it is that their crying only serves the purpose of getting them noticed and "Wah wah" covers such a wide range of topics that its difficult to know whether they're saying "I'm tired" or “Actually I'm rather concerned with the political situation in the Middle East (2)"

Namby Pamby Politically correct Solution:
Endeavor to understand the body language of your child. Spend time with them and show them the joy of the spoken word.

Jabberwockery Solution:
Take a stand from day one! They say you've got to speak your babies language, well I ask you who brought them into this world? Who's the one paying the bills until their eighteen? "If there's any languages spoken in this household it'll be mine boyo!"
As a last resort you could teach them charades but only if you need to teach them the difference between "Get mummy a coffee" and "Maybe you should start mopping the floor instead of just sitting there"
Basic semaphore is also acceptable but only if you live in the tropics and cant afford a punkahwallah

The big problem is that when Baby A is crying and encounters Baby B this will invariably start Baby B off as well and as the pair attempt to outdo each other the number of babies grows exponentially until there are no more babies in the world that aren't crying and you're getting nasty phone calls from Russian parents who had only just managed to put their little goulash factory to sleep.
Of course the interesting thing about all of this is that no two babies actually manage to hit the same note at the same time, or indeed at any time (3).

Namby Pamby Politically Correct Solution:
Children crying is just a fact of life and one that everyone will go through. Eventually they grow out of it but you might want to look up from the chardonnay from time to time and perhaps get a secretary to deal with the deluge of angry Russians (4)

Jabberwockery Solution:
Right, if we can't stop the noise then the least we can do is adjust the problem and here at Jabberwockery we're all about adjusting the problem (5)
Since babies are going to cry anyway the thing to do is to teach them to do it in harmony with each other. It'll be a difficult thing to accomplish and will most likely involve a squad of music tutors breaking down doors, confronting expectant mothers and demanding impromptu duets
At the very least we'll need to have lecture halls and studios added to each hospital nursery. Sheet music will be provided on request (6).

Of course no solution is free of further problems and I predict that the mixing of musical styles may just lead us back to the problems of babies crying at cross purposes but rather than being a global clash of discordant voices this time it'll come off more like an 80's hair metal (7) battle of the bands which nobody wants to listen to at three in the morning.

Namby Pamby Politically Correct Solution:
Babies making music are babies that are learning, This is a proven scientific fact. You might invest in a set of earplugs and disconnect your phone for a while but perhaps a better solution is to engage your child and challenge them musically. Eventually you'll be able to relax to the vocal style of your favorite artist and your infant will receive all the attention that they want.

Jabberwockery Solution:
Since we've got musical babies the only possible solution is to produce a global baby orchestra where, through the use of carefully tuned pointed sticks the babies are made to cry at specific times in order to create something that might be called music.

  1. in New Zealand actually. Look at a map and you'll see that we're nowhere near Specifica.
  2. ”...perhaps we might sit down and discuss it like two rational human beings? What? Oh you're putting me to bed. Don't think I won't remember this mother! You'll rue this day! Rue it I say!"
  3. Just as interestingly when wolves howl at the moon they do the same thing. It is a lupine faux pas to howl at the moon in the same key as your neighbor. I don't know why this is because this week I'm an expert on the Genus Babius Crawlus Messyus and not Lupus Socialus Musicalus or indeed Mortisium Languigius: Latinium Grammaticus
  4. You can rabbit on about the political ins and outs all day but this is how the cold war really got started. Learn from history or be prepared to repeat it.
  5. You'll note that I didn't say providing solutions because that's just crazy talk. 
  6. But will be looked down on by children of the terminally hip.
  7. Sans tight leather pants and meter long fringes


  1. One of my favorite things was the old "Let's go visit Grandma" tricks, otherwise known as "the hand-off".
    Yep, I think if I ever (bwahahahaha yeah right) do it again, I'll follow the Jabberwockery Way!^^

  2. That's sneaky and underhanded ... and damn it if my parents didn't do the exact same thing to me