Friday, 14 October 2011

MonsterFest Posting - The Valravn.

As it's October and global spooky day draws ever closer I've taken the opportunity to join MonsterFest 2011.  If you want to join then you're welcome to click the button, pick your favourite thing that goes bump in the night and get blogging!

Here's a rather obscure wee beastie that is ever so much fun. If your definition of fun is spreading misery far and wide that is.
The Valravn comes to us from Danish Mythology and means “Raven of the Slain” (1)

Now much of this has been cribbed from Wikipedia and assorted other places around the net but I assure you that the facts have all been checked by my Danish relatives, or at least from my relatives. Who had a Danish at the time. I'm pretty sure it still counts.

This thing sounds awsome.  How do I get one?
In the age of the internet anybody can find or make bombs and cause widespread mayhem (2) but just think how much the other anarchists will respect you if you turn up with a flock of these monsters traveling in your wake.

Pictured: The face of modern anarchy.  Clearly Cliff Richard has much to answer for (3)
  1. Like many things in the ancient world the Valravn is born on the battlefield so you will first need to locate a suitably bloody fray.
    1. A good tip is to watch for Valkyries and familiarize yourself with Wagnerian opera since you'll generally hear the sopranos and the “Hi Yo Ti Ho Yo” song long before you see them(4)
  2. Having located a suitable battle take one raven and feed them the blood of either a Chieftain, a nobleman or a valiant king that has fallen in battle but not been buried.
    1. Opinion seems to be divided on exactly who you are supposed to choose and it's no good watching the other ravens because they'll just eat anyone that happens to be lying around.
    2. One possible solution to this problem is to bring along a jug and a blender in order to make bloodshakes and then feeding it to your chosen raven.
  3. However you manage to do it you'll know instantly because the raven has suddenly acquired the power of human speech.
    1. This step is optional but recommended for those who want a free thinking monster rather than just a talking magic bird. If the Valravn eats the heart of the unlucky dead he gains human knowledge, the ability to perform great acts of malice and a varied range of superhuman powers .
But some people are never satisfied with what they have and even though you've just become the owner of a super powered talking magical raven you still want more. Well that’s just fine because there are two more step before you can truly claim to have created a monster.
  1. Obtain a child, once again opinion is divided as to whether the child has to be your own or not.
  2. Give the child to Dave the Raven, as he wishes to be called, in total defiance of you wanting to call him Quoth, to have the child’s heart and you'll find that, in addition to all the powers he's already got he will now be able to either take human form or the form of a half raven half wolf monster. (5)
It is an unfortunate fact that, thanks to the shocking record keeping of the Danes, the exact method of this monsters creation is covered in deception and opinion on almost every aspect of the Valravn is divided.

This means that the only method of separating fact from fiction is experimentation.
Of course being that this is the Internet I'm certain that there are message boards where you can get assistance and differing opinions are discussed in a calm and totally rational manner.

How to fall in love with them:
Or more accurately how to get them to fall in love with you since the alternative would include copious amounts of leather, beer and certain substances that I, unfortunately, don't get paid enough to speculate about.

Naturally you will need to be extra breathtakingly beautiful in order to catch his eye in the first place because until now he's just been concentrating on meeting his Travellers Led Astray and Malicious Deeds Quota for the month.
It couldn't hurt to commit a few of the more epic sagas to memory. Beowulf is pretty much standard but you could branch out into Cú Chulainn or even The Song of Roland

But Is it worth the effort?
The pursuit of love is always worth the effort. But this does seem rather a lot to go through just to catch the eye of a shape shifting bird.
At first he won't contribute much to the household wanting to concentrate on the band and his drumming (6) but it won't be long before his avian mania for shiny things begins to kick in and he'll begin bringing home many shiny baubles for you.

As a completely random example the crown jewels of England are housed in the Tower of London which is also home to the tower ravens. (7)

Hunting them:
Jumping over to the side of the goodies now.
Pictured: The Goodies.
Boom Boom
Now It may be that the monster is rampaging out of control as monsters are wont to do and it is up to you to put an end to the foul creature (8) that you helped to create, a fact that you're going to keep under your hat for the time being.
The good news is that you don't need any special weaponry for this one, unlike werewolves, who need to be shot with silver and vampires, who need to be forced to sit through Twilight.

"The power of Stephanie Meyers compels you!"
A potential capture scenario would be to use one of the aforementioned epic poetry reciting beautiful maidens to distract him and imprison the beast after she has seduced him. Technically this makes her a fallen maiden (9) but she will join you in selling him to the travelling circus secure in the knowledge that he will certainly won't get free because no circus would ever let their star attraction escape.

Alternatively Dave might leave behind a cloak of feathers when he transforms into human form and if you were to get hold of that then he'd be your, very unwilling, slave in order to get his cloak back. It should be noted that this particular method of shape shifting is more of a Russian Slavic technique and is generally found only in werewolves

The problem is that neither of these methods of hunting are taking into account his powers which are many and dire. In these modern times actual magicians that are practiced enough to best the creature in a magical battle are few and scattered to the remotest parts of the world.

Thus we are forced to turn to modern technology and reveal the L115A3, a sniper rifle with an effective range of 2.5 km.(10) This time the plan is simple
  1. Lure him into the kill-zone with the aforementioned maidens give the order to take him out.
    1. Lets see him abracadabra his was out of that!

  1. Band name #293 – Available for childrens parties.
  2. Band name #294 – I'm thinking it's good for a string quartet that wants to be Ironically hip.
  3. If you're old enough to get this then enable smug mode.
  4. If you only hear the “hi ho” song then you've managed to strike dwarf and I can't help you with them.
  5. Congratulations you've unleashed your first monster onto the unsuspecting world. If used correctly your monster will give you years of trouble free rampaging and widespread devastation.
  6. Can't sing, can't dance. Yep, he's a drummer all right.
  7. I can hear the plot thickening as we speak!
  8. Corvus Corax Lupin Sapiens Erectus. if we want to be incredibly pedantic about it.
  9. Band name #295 – Pretty sure it's a Traveling Wilburys tribute band
  10. 1.5 miles, but you already knew that

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